Exhausted by sibling fighting? Try these practical steps to restore the peace
As the mum of three, sibling squabbles have been a big part of my life.
When my children were young, exhausted and exasperated, I used to think, “Can’t I even leave them alone for five minutes!" and sometimes, “When does school start again?”
Happily, things have moved on, and they're now great friends, but that constant bickering was a real button pusher for me.
When our kids argue, bicker and fight, it's exhausting and stressful. They completely ignore us; nothing we say helps; we focus on the worst-case scenario; we think they'll never get on. Full of emotion, we lose our cool and react in ineffective ways. We resort to shouting, nagging, bribing or just expelling them all to their rooms. We're full of remorse, guilt and sometimes even shame.
Is there a way to stay calm in the moment and help our kids learn to manage and redirect their big emotions and get along?
Happily, yes, there is!
A calm and sensitive response reinforces for our kids that disagreements in relationships are a normal, healthy part of life and not a reason to feel overwhelmed. Repairing, making up and moving on are also part of 'what we do'. Our families are, after all, THE greatest training ground for life - whether we are parenting together or apart.
The first step is to manage our own expectations.
All siblings fight and argue. It can be a healthy part of growing up, as long as there's no bullying involved. A quiet home with adoring siblings who play happily together for hours and never argue or disagree may sound great, but it's unrealistic and can be unhealthy. With realistic expectations, we're more likely to look for the many triggers behind sibling outbursts, including boredom, tiredness, overstimulation, jealousy or frustration. This understanding and compassion gives us a greater chance of addressing the pinch points while keeping our cool. One of our main goals, after all, is to stay calm.
A quick word about normal sibling squabbles
Disagreements, irritation and arguments are a normal part of sibling life and give children opportunities to practise managing frustration, negotiating, seeing another point of view and repairing relationships. But repeated aggression, intimidation or bullying, particularly where one child is frightened or feels consistently powerless, is different. Research has linked sibling aggression with poorer mental health, so this is something we should take seriously and think about seeking professional help rather than dismissing it as “just siblings being siblings.'
The second step is to remain open-minded.
To be fair and effective, we need to be neutral and objective; rather than looking for someone to blame and judging, we want to get curious about the problem behind the sibling struggles.
I used to jump in and assume that my young, impulsive son was always the instigator. My daughters, now young adults, told me recently that they would purposely wind him up, as they quite enjoyed the spectacle of their brother getting angry and me getting cross with him while they retreated to have a quiet play in their room.
When we jump in to reprimand rather than remain objective and look for the feelings driving the behaviour, our children feel misunderstood, hurt, attacked and resentful. These feelings lower their self-esteem, which in turn causes more poor behaviour. You can imagine that they might start to think "I am the naughty one", "I ALWAYS get in trouble, and Mum never sees what SHE does to me first". “Mum likes her better than me”.
With a mindset of realistic expectations and objectivity, we're in a better place to calmly adopt a practical approach to sort sibling squabbles and lay the groundwork for sibling harmony now and for the years to come:
Here are a few effective steps to try:
1. Intervene only when necessary. Ignore, as much as you can, the low-level bickering, but when things are heating up, take a deep breath and state what you see:
“I see two boys who both want to play with the same car.” “I see one boy who used to have the car and still wants to play with it. I see another boy who wants to play with it as he now has it.”
We often try to solve a problem by ascribing blame or judging: “Why can’t you just ask and play nicely. You are just too aggressive with your brother!” Stating calmly what you see gets their attention, shows you are objective and de-escalates the situation. Clearly, if someone is going to get hurt, you need to step in right away.
2. Console them to calm the situation. We cannot learn when we're flooded with emotion.
At this point, you need to right the ship, offer life jackets and get back to calm waters. “Goodness, I can see you are both really upset and need my help. I have two arms, one to hug each of you, and then we work this out” or “I think that we all need a moment to cool down.”
3. Be curious. When we take the time to recognise the feelings behind the actions, we begin to understand the behaviour.
It might sound like this: “For you to speak to me like that shows me just how angry you feel. Are you thinking, I wonder, that he always gets first choice? “I'm thinking that it's SO frustrating when they don't want to follow your rules?” or “I’m thinking that your swimming lesson was tough today and that you are still a bit mad about it.”
4. Empathise. Validate and let them know that ALL emotions are ok.
By accepting the underlying emotion, no matter how uncomfortable it might be, and using the ‘name it to tame it' approach – such as annoyed with your sister who gets it all right, jealous of your little brother for getting all the attention, frustrated that you should share, we permit our kids to have the feelings. When the underlying feeling is accepted, validated and named, they'll start to regulate and manage the feelings and move on.
5. Set limits respectfully– All emotions are acceptable, but some behaviours are not.
When everyone has cooled down, revisit the behaviour and help them (without any judgment) say in their own words what happened: e.g.“You wanted to get on the swing. You thumped Emma because you thought it was your turn. We need to help you tell Emma with your words because no one should be hurt.” For more on this, read my blog on positive discipline. Where appropriate, invite them to make amends. Forced apologies are not valuable, but focusing on the needs of the one who was wronged teaches empathy. “Does Emma need a hug?”
6. Help them manage next time - Invite your kids to come up with their solution for helping them manage their anger next time they are ‘annoyed’ or experience another strong emotion. This is best done in a quiet moment when you're connecting with your child. “I know you don’t always want your sister around when you're playing with your Lego. She likes being with you. I'm wondering what you could say to let her know that you are getting upset?”
7. Give Positive Attention - Notice and mention all the things they get right through the process.
Perhaps it's their engagement, their creativity in problem solving, their willingness to make amends. Keep the process positive and descriptive, and they will take on board the learning. If we criticise, blame or punish, they'll feel belittled or resentful and feel poorly about themselves; it's then more likely the behaviour will recur. Children are born with an instinct to get things RIGHT.
Finally, the best way to handle sibling squabbles is to lessen the chances of them happening in the first place.
When kids feel secure, happy in themselves, and connected to their family, it's less likely they'll need to seek attention and have their needs met through heated sibling conflict. Our first port of call is always to give each child positive attention and deepen the connection. When they feel good about themselves, they are more likely to be kind to their siblings.
A note for separated parents
If your children are living across two homes, there may be another layer to their sibling squabbles. Children in the same family don't necessarily experience separation in the same way. Age, temperament, their relationship with each parent and how they experience change can all make a difference. Stress can also leave children with less capacity to manage the ordinary frustrations of sibling life.
I've written more about this, and about how we can protect the sibling relationship through family change, here: Why Are My Kids Fighting All the Time? What one dad discovered about sibling squabbles after separation.
