Navigating Anxiety

We hear every week from parents who are worried that anxiety is getting in the way of their kids being able to enjoy life. Sadly, anxiety seems to be on the increase. It can show up in any number of ways and can be extremely debilitating. There are children who can’t sleep, who don’t want to go to school, who have tummy aches as well those who are on edge or who can’t concentrate.

We have seen our own children suffer from anxiety, the feelings of unease, fear and intense worry that are often about something happening in the future. We’ve found it helpful to remind ourselves and share with our kids that anxiety is a entirely normal human feeling which serves a very important purpose. Anxiety is a primitive reflex that is designed to protect us from perceived danger eliciting the fight, flight or freeze response. The danger may well have been a woolly mammoth lurking near by but these days it is more likely to be an exam, public speaking, the playground or getting on the school bus for the first time.

When our kids feel anxious our parental reflexes tell us to step in, to help, to fix and to try and take the feeling away. We are coming from a place of love and protection but we may be inadvertently reinforcing the cycle.

Here are a few things to try to help your child learn to cope with anxiety:

1. Help kids to manage their anxiety rather than eliminate it. The goal is to help kids to tolerate anxiety and the ‘you have nothing to worry about’ approach will only make them feel worse. Instead talk about how their minds are working hard to keep them safe but that this can at times be unhelpful. Talk about how they might feel - butterflies in their tummy, sweaty palms or their heart beating faster- and that these are normal responses from their bodies when they go into anxiety self-preservation mode - they are not sick or dying which is a very real fear for many thereby exacerbating their anxiety. They can’t ignore, dismiss or eliminate the anxiety but they can learn to manage it with our help.

2. Avoid avoidance . Suggesting kids avoid situations may help in the short term but it can end up reinforcing the anxiety and become learned response unless caught early on. Kids want to work to overcome their anxiety but their thoughts often get in the way. Our goal is to help them learn to manage the feelings and if we avoid any potentially anxiety making situation we are only reinforcing that there is indeed something to feel anxious about.

3. Use positive language – Focusing on all the things that they get right and expressing realistic expectations will build their self–esteem and put them in a stronger place to manage their uncomfortable feelings. Notice and point out all the times they are working hard to cope: “you recognised that you were starting to feel anxious. You slowed down and took some deep breaths. That is really taking charge of your feelings.” Acknowledge all the little things they do right - “Thank you for asking how I am. That is really considerate.” We call this approach ‘descriptive praise’ and it is highly effective in bolstering self-esteem and instilling a vital sense of competence. Directly in response to anxiety, we can use descriptive praise to acknowledge the effort they are putting in to managing even it if is just recognising they are feeling flooded and deciding to act, perhaps taking themselves off to do exercise or just asking for help. Perhaps try: "that showed real determination to get on top of you anxiety. I hope that helped."

4. Name it to Tame it - Giving voice to the feelings does not highlight or exacerbate them, quite the opposite is true. Naming the anxiety doesn’t mean that you are agreeing with it either. When you acknowledge that these feelings exist and validate them, your child is in a better place to learn to take control and this is " reflective listening" . We want to listen hard to hear and understand what it is that they are most anxious about and how it makes them feel. “I know this is very hard for you. You are anxious about the test. I get that” “I used to feel that way too. Does your tummy feel funny right now?” Just letting them talk about their fears and emotions can help them process the feelings and help them to a place from where they can start to problem solve.

5. Take small steps – With any child we want to set things up so that they succeed. Helping our kids to work through situations and experiences one step at a time builds competence, confidence, independence and self-esteem. With an anxious child, we want to take the same approach but at an even slower pace. For example, very gentle gradual exposure for kids who get anxious around social situations might start with a play date with one friend followed by a couple of friends before trying the bigger birthday party. This approach will help her realise that she can manage her anxiety one step at a time.

6. Focus on solutions. So often kids get caught in a negative feedback loop and focus on their fears. Talking through situations and supporting them to come up with their own solutions can calm their worried brains. If we can move them from a focus on the anxiety to telling themselves that they don’t have to listen to the noise in their heads, they will be working towards solutions and learning to manage their internal voice. “Tell me a little more about that fear. Let’s break that down and see if it is completely right. How can we take that worry that I know you are feeling and turn it into a positive thought?”

7.“ I am here to help.” This is the most effective phrase that we can use with our kids as we work through anxiety. They need to know that they are not alone and that we are not worried by their worries, that we are in it together’” I know you feel anxious. I know you can do this. I am here to help.”

8. Model how you manage your own anxiety . Kids pick up on our vibes. If we are worried, they will think that they should be worried as well. We want to think about the message that we are sending. Can we put extra effort into taking a positive, problem solving, proactive approach to our own anxieties and challenges? We can explain to our kids that we sometimes get hijacked by our thoughts and we need to be brave and put ourselves back in charge.

9. Teach ‘The Hidden Chimp”. We love Prof Steve Peters author of the Chimp Paradox and the recently published My Hidden Chimp for kids and creator of the chimp management mind model. This great resource explains anxiety to kids as their minds being hijacked by their emotional brain that acts without their permission and the book sets out ways in which they can get back in charge and manage their minds and their anxiety. We also recommend the work of Kate Collins Donnelly including her workbook Starving the Anxiety Gremlin A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook on Anxiety Management for Young People.

10. Know when to seek help – It is important to teach kids that we all feel anxious and it is a normal response to keep us safe. It is also important to recognise when acute anxiety is getting worse or interfering with their everyday life, or not improving then seek professional help.

Techniques for managing anxiety can help all our kids cope. It is normal to feel anxious before a test, or a big social event, an interview or a presentation. The more we talk about the feelings and our bodies response to anxiety - the quickening of the heartbeat, the tighter breath, the sweaty palms, the tensing of muscles - as an amazing yet normal response to potential danger, the more our kids will be equipped to cope.