Tips for a successful family summer 

With days on end of wall to wall sunshine the long school summer holidays seem just around the corner.

Anyone just a little anxious about entertaining their kids over the long summer break?

I don’t know about you but I go into organisational overdrive. I make plans, lots of them, thinking of all the things that we can be ‘doing’ to keep my three kids busy partly to reduce the opportunities for lying around the house on their various devices and so that my dream of a fun-filled summer to remember might be realised. But I really don't need to put so much pressure on myself.

A bit of boredom is an excellent thing. Whiling away the hours is a good for developing our kids' creativity, resourcefulness and intrinsic motivation and is liberating for us as parents – so there is not need to feel guilty about a less than fully packed summer.

Kids need some real down-time after the intensity of school and that they also have different agendas from our own and indeed from their siblings so there needs to be some space and flexibility built in. It is also important to think about opportunities for us to ‘be’ together without always needing to ‘do’ all the time. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our relationships were deeper and we felt more connected and closer as a family by the end of the summer?

We can be mindful, however, that if we simply let summer unfurl without any structure, it could take on a life of its own - potentially descending into anarchy with expectations unmet, boredom turning to bad behaviour and instead of connection we end up with chaos. We can set up for success however by thinking about what we each want the holidays to look like and agree together in advance a basic set of holiday rules. Within the scope of these boundaries they can enjoy exploring and even pushing those limits (because at least they know where they are) from time to time. Below are our top tips for setting up for a successful summer with lots of fun and a closer family by the time school rolls around again.

Six top tips for connecting with your kids this summer :

1. Set up for Success - Start as you mean to go on by having a family meeting to talk about your outline plans – sports camps, when you are going away and what everyone wants to do when they get there, ideas for day trips, play dates and other occasions. It is always a good idea for those of you who co-parent to talk between yourselves in advance so that you’re sending out a consistent message to you children. Then it’s time to truly involve the kids to show respect, get buy in and so that everyone feels heard.

2. Be a great listener - Use the time this summer to hone your listening skills. Listening well deepens your relationship as kids feel heard and understood. Hear what they say in an open, non-judgmental and respectful way. Reflect back to them what they have said to you showing you understand and where necessary empathise. “I so get that you would rather stay here on your computer than go and visit Granny.” It doesn't mean that you have to do everything they want but when you can't honour their wishes, listening will help you understand the why and empathise. Feeling heard is often all they need to find a way to cooperate.

As you listen, get into the habit of remembering what they tell you, whether it is their new friends’ names or the little things they like. They remember everything. Conversation - a genuine dialogue - is our best chance of keeping them connected and as they get older and push away, helping them to stay safe and be happy. Take time this summer to listen and converse to deepen and enrich your relationship.

3. Take an interest in their interests Taking an interest in our children’s interests, their points of view and their outlook on the world, shows them that they and what they care about matters. You may not always like what interests them, be it ‘Peppa Pig’, ‘Love Island’, Fornite or even cricket or surfing, but seeking to understand and show an interest builds mutual respect and makes your child feel treasured: “My Mum gets me” rather than “She just doesn’t understand.” Making time to celebrate our children for who they are, their interests, their attitude and their effort rather than what they do or achieve builds a self-esteem tied to their developing qualities making them feel valued for all the right reasons.

4. Set boundaries with respect and with their involvement . Developing a close connection with our children is not a euphemism for permissive parenting. We are still the parents and our job is to keep our children safe, train them in good habits and we need to set boundaries. Being reasonable, collaborative, consistent and following through are key. Your children may not always like the screen-time limits, set bedtimes or having to check in but keeping respectful boundaries builds trust and a feeling of security. As Bonnie Harris US parenting expert explains, "connecting and respecting helps address behaviour that we don’t like. Unacceptable behaviour is more prevalent when our child is reacting to and resisting being treated unfairly and disrespectfully". Poor behaviour is often due to something that needs tending and a deeper connection is the first port of call. We say rules without relationship lead to rebellion. This is worth keeping in mind. What better time than the summer for getting into the habit of respectful limit setting.

5. ‘Being’ is better without screens. Shared mealtimes, fewer hours on screens and muddling through being bored together will all help to support your relationship with your children. Making sure that expectations and limits around screen usage are agreed in advance helps to ameliorate screen-time battles. Think about things to do together instead of defaulting to checking your social media account or having a quick game on your i-phone (remember, parenting is largely modelling). Making and sharing meals together whether a picnic, BBQ or a pancake breakfast is a super place to start. Research shows that when families eat together regularly, children are more likely to be emotionally strong, be well adjusted, have good manners, broader vocabulary, communication skills and feel connected to their families. Summer meals, when we are a little less rushed, are a great time to listen to and value the contribution that each member of the family makes.

6. Keep it positive: It’s important to remind ourselves to positively affirm all the little things our kids get right by using our cornerstone skill of Descriptive Praise. Seeking out and noticing the positive sets an upbeat and ‘can do’ atmosphere at home. Take the plunge and trust that looking for and acknowledging the things they get right such as coming up with a good idea for a family outing, helping with a project at home without being asked, tidying up their room, clearing the table, eating up, being kind and a good friend or sibling, playing by the rules, observing limits on screen time etc. improves behaviour and cooperation. Co-operation comes from relationship and connection. Our children are hardwired to seek our approval. It may not seem to be the case all the time, but when we give positive attention we get more of what we look for.

Set yourselves up for a successful summer with success measured as a calmer relationship and a deeper connection with your children. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: ‘ Life is a journey, not a destination’. This summer cherish the journey in the slow lane rather than busily hurtling towards the destination.