How do we Raise Resilient Kids?      

My eldest has just finished his first two terms at university. It has been fascinating watching him navigate this new chapter where there is no one to remind him to get up in the morning, to tell him how and when to do his laundry, how to budget for beer as well as breakfast, or navigate new friendships and manage and balance his time.

It has made me think hard about the qualities that help our kids make a successful transition to a new stage, a new school or to make a big change. What are the qualities that will help them successfully and happily navigate whatever path they choose? Resilience is at the top of my list.

When we look ahead we are, as Stephen Covey says, in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families “Beginning with the end in mind.“ Getting clear on the destination helps guide us and keeps us purposefully forging ahead. The qualities that we would like our kids to hold may be different for each of us as they reflect our family values and ethos. There is however a considerable body of research that points towards resilience, that ability to adapt and change, to bounce back from failure, to regulate stress and retain balance, as the key quality that will underpin success for our kids facing the increased stress, pressure and demands of today.

With the goal in mind, how can we add resilience building into our full-on family lives? Just as we find that routines become habits and reminders can fall away when those habits become values, it is these sentence starters (adapted so they sound fresh!) that I use to keep me on track remembering that the job of building resilience starts when they are toddlers. I have found these ‘go to’ responses a life line to help me stay calm when emotions run high and I lose sight of the big picture of unconditional love, empathy and connection. I have learned over the years that so much of my parenting comes down to thinking about the words and the language I use.

Six sentence starters that will build resilience in your kids.

1. “I am wondering what you think?” So often we tell our kids what to do, what to think, what to say. I catch myself saying “I think you should…” or “If I were you.” or even “No, that is not the way to do it…” These are natural responses as we want our kids to get things right, we want to protect them and help them succeed but when we let them do their own thinking they are learning, growing in confidence and competence and practicing problem solving.

Learning by doing on the small things “What would you like to take in to school to talk about today?”, “What time should we leave to get there on time?”,builds muscle memory and sets kids up to make important decisions on their own ‘Should I go to the party?’ ‘’ Have I done enough maths revision?” “Should I help Mum even though I would rather watch another episode of Vampire Diaries?”

2. “Yesterday morning did not go well for any of us .” Being honest and willing to revisit and problem solve WITH your kids when things don’t go well is good modelling. Perhaps the kids had a hard time remembering the routine and you tried everything until you resorted to shouting. No blame or judgement are needed but rather humbly working together to come up with a practical solution.

This is not wishy washy permissive parenting but a confident proactive authoritative approach which teaches our kids that failure and making mistakes is part of life and builds resilience. We have boundaries and limits to help our kids feel safe and teach good habits and we model being honest when things go wrong. We stand tall, admit things did not go well and model resilience as we talk about what we all learned from the experience and work with our kids, respectfully and collaboratively to see how we can improve for the next time.

3. “Wow that is really tough…” Said with sincerity. Our voices and expressions tell kids when we are being sincere. Remaining calm, unruffled and empathising is the first step to helping our kids manage big emotions and builds resilience.

I love the work of Dr Dan Siegel, author of “ No Drama Discipline ” as it is accessible, logical and based on the latest research in neuroscience. His ‘Name it to Tame it ” boils a whole lot of science down into an easy to remember phrase that helps us help our kids.

When our kids react emotionally their ‘downstairs brain’: the primitive, reactive, flight, fight, freeze, limbic right brain is in full flow and in charge. In this moment, they have little or no access to the ‘upstairs brain’: the thinking, planning, rational pre-frontal left brain. It can be hard to remember that NO problem solving, learning or rational thinking can take place when any of us is flooded with emotion. Our first and only job is to connect with our kids to help them get back to a calm place.

Studies show that when we can get our child to name emotions, their brain emits soothing neurotransmitters that helps to calm it down. Our goal is to give our kids the vocabulary of emotions so that they can self-sooth and move on.

When we say “school can be really tough” or “it is so tough and it hurts when you are left out” our kids feel understood. We are communicating that it is ok to have big, scary, tough emotions. It is ok not to know exactly why you are upset. We are saying “I am here. You are safe and you are not alone. I am not afraid of these emotions. “ This is a right brain to right brain connection which soothes the whole system and this is empathy.

We can solve the problem, with our upstairs brain, but we are missing the opportunity to connect. When we have helped our child to "Name it to Tame it", we can move to problem solving. The message is that all feelings are acceptable although some behaviour needs to be redirected. We are also telling our kids that WE are accepting them for who they are, unconditionally.

How does this build resilience? When our kids experience repeatedly, in their safe place, that big emotions (fear, anxiety, jealousy, anger etc.) are manageable and that they will pass, that we ALL experience big feelings and they are still loved, they are better prepared to take on whatever comes their way in life and are better able to empathise with others and form healthy relationships.

4. “I found that really hard ”. Being open about our own vulnerability helps build resilience in our kids. Teaching them the language of emotion starts with us. “Let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are” as Brene Brown, Researcher and Motivational speaker, says. I find it empowering to remember that most important part of parenting is modelling. It can also be quite scary.

I appreciate the impact of my words when my daughters parrot back to me several of my well-worn phrases: “Mum I am sensible! You are the one who always tells me that I have a ‘strong moral fibre’.” When I do something that is embarrassing (for them!), they say “yes we know, ‘Would you rather be a bit weird or really dull?” Our kids pick up, mirror and absorb all what we do and say. This is our opportunity to show them that authenticity and vulnerability, key to resilience, are attributes rather than weaknesses.

5. “How did you feel it went?” This is one of my favourites. I am not asking about the outcome, the result or who won or lost. I am focussing on the input, the experience, the journey. We know that instilling a growth mind-set in our kids – that willingness to give tough things a go and to struggle – is important. We sometimes get caught up in the knee jerk – “what did you get? “ or “Did you win?” Do we want to know who won or would we rather empathise with their experience and have them focus on what they put in without any outside judgment thereby instilling a reliance on their own motivation and evaluation. Growth mind-set kids are resilient.

6. “ Wow! that was kind ( or any another quality that you are seeking to instil in your kids - conscientious, independent, showing initiative, self-control or resilience) ...” Focusing on what our kids get right is another way to begin with the end in mind. Research shows us that we notice more of what we are looking for and that we get more of the behaviours we acknowledge in our kids. It is revision season in many households and we are ‘revision central’ here as we have three out of three doing exams. My daughter may have woken up, what I consider to be, late. I can either remind her that she is late perhaps insinuating that she is a bit lazy or unmotivated, or I could point out the things that she got right. “You remembered to bring your cup downstairs.” “I know you are no looking forward to another day of revision. You still managed a smile.”

When we catch our kids doing the right thing and acknowledge it, we are creating a positive environment, helping them feel competent, successful and building their self-esteem. Not only will they be more open to our influence but it is a sense of self, with strong self-esteem that is the bedrock of resilience.

It is the words that we use every and all day that form an impression on our kids and have the power to change behaviour. These phrases encompass an approach that is proactive, positive and that we know is effective. I often speak before I think and act on impulse. When we are met with big emotions, we naturally use the techniques that our parents used with us. I have worked hard to respond only after thinking about what I want to say. Sounds like hard work? Perhaps, but helping our kids navigate the uneven path of emotions IS important work. Beginning with the end in mind - resilient kids who manage through and don't fall victim to the bumps and potholes along their path is the goal and keeps me thinking "what do I want to teach in this moment?" rather than getting caught up in how their behaviour impacts me. I have learned to take a deep breath and use my words to focus on resilience.