Learn your Child's Love Language

Have you ever wondered why your child doesn’t react in the way you expect to your outpouring of love? Perhaps your teen recoils slightly from your hugs and physical affection, or your daughter is nonplussed by the time you have invested in choosing the perfect little surprise present, or on the plus side, how a few minutes of undivided attention can change the mood and feeling of closeness with your daughter? Just as each child has a unique temperament and way of experiencing and interacting with the world, they also express and receive love in different ways. This concept of ‘Love Language’ was first introduced by Gary Chapman and further developed with Dr R Campbell in The 5 Love Languages of Children and has the power to transform the relationship that you have with your child.

We often talk about filling your child’s emotional bank account and how each positive interaction with your child makes a deposit that accumulates and this positive balance is key to helping them weather the emotional bumps along the way. As you can imagine, a child who feels loved, accepted, affirmed and supported in this way will be more open to our influence and more resilient in the face of set-backs.

Gary Chapman explains that each child has different needs as well as and their own favourite ways of understanding and giving and receiving love. To fill their cup, we need to think about how best to communicate unconditional love to our child with her unique temperament and personality in mind so that our message is received loud and clear. This is called their ‘love language’ and can be divided into five different ways that we like to communicate and receive love – words or affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts.

By understanding these five love languages, we can get closer to unlocking our children’s emotional needs. When they feel understood, accepted and unconditionally loved our relationship deepens and this often has the power to transform their behaviour. Their feelings of self worth and self esteem grow and they are more likely to lead happy healthy and balanced lives.

Physical Touch : We know the importance of physical touch to a child’s emotional development. As they get older they still need the physical contact but we can just adjust things to meet their needs such as with a back or foot rub, offering to brush their hair, giving a pat on the knee or a passing touch on the shoulder.

Words of Affirmation : Noticing and mentioning the things they get right is what we call Descriptive Praise and can be transformational in boosting children’s self-esteem and should be part of our interaction with all our children. Children whose love language is affirmation will find this especially important and will love to hear: “Thank you so much for remembering to set the table.” “you were so kind to share that game with your brother” “That song that you played on your recorder brightened my afternoon!”

Quality Time: This love language is all about undivided attention. We should make time to give all our children this gift but for the child whose love language is quality time, think about the story at bedtime, the quiet chat (without screens!) on the sofa, the rough and tumble play, playing games, baking cakes. They need to know that they are more important than ANYTHING else you have to do right now. Try to make this child-led time – you doing whatever it is that they want to do.

Acts of Service : This comes under “actions speak louder than words” and delivered with a positive spirit, this will show a deep expression of love. I know that my children can all clean their rooms, but I also know that it is really important on the occasion when they ask me to help (not do it for them!) that I happily get stuck in - this is a cup filling moment. If they are exhausted, frustrated and overwhelmed for this child, sitting with them and supporting them with their homework might be just what they need to feel deeply loved and cherished.

Receiving of Gifts: This may be the hardest one as you may be thinking that you are not going to shower your youngster with presents. But this is the child who likes to see tangible evidence of our love and it is important to recognise that a random act of giving may help to fill their emotional cup. So be creative and wrap up little things that you may have given them anyway such as a packet of sweets, a t-shirt or some pens.

Everyone usually has a principal love language and if we can think about our children and which one it might be, this will help us meet their deep emotional need in a way that they will understand. That child who did not really want a huge hug may understand our love when we offer to help them hang some new posters in their room or help them finish their Lego tower before tea time.

Becoming familiar with our children’s love language is another way of our being able to seek first to understand, then to be understood! We also want to remember to use and teach our children all five love languages. This will help them develop into emotionally well-rounded and responsive adults.