Less Can Still be More 

It is hard sometimes to bite our tongue and let our kids figure it out for themselves.

I still struggle to let go and not give in to my tendency to fix, mend and sort things for my three kids. It comes from a good place, I reassure myself, as it is an instinct to protect, to take away pain and hurt or to short cut their path to solving a problem. I hate to see them suffer and let’s face it, it saves time.

How can we compassionately support our kids in their problem solving so that they learn to advocate for themselves and not to shy away from conflict while building the resilience to manage through the tough times? Resilience I am convinced is the quality that our 21st century kids need to succeed in this fluid, challenging and fast paced world.

The answer lies in empathy and remembering that less can still be more. When we suffer, or hit a bump in the road, our greatest need is for understanding and unconditional love from someone we respect and to whom we feel connected.

Through validating their feelings we are giving them the reassurance and confidence to know they are ok and to keep going. If we are forever stepping in and sorting (‘let me handle this”) or solving (“what I think you should do is…”) and trying to take the pain away (“oh don’t worry, it will be fine.”) we are sending a message that it is not ok to feel big uncomfortable emotions or that we don’t have confidence in their abilities to manage themselves.

We need to trust our instincts as to when we need to step in and help. It is also important that we try to set things up so that are kids are more likely to succeed than fail. If however we can pause and ask ourselves whether they might just find a way to muddle through rather than instinctively offering solutions, we are giving them the chance to learn for this and the next time. Processes become ingrained in us through repetition. The more our kids solve problems, the more they appreciate that problems are solvable and have confidence in their own abilities to look for solutions themselves.

I have been known to sit on my hands or clench the steering wheel to stop myself interjecting with solutions to my kids’ problems. As I have two teenage daughters these are often to do with friendship flair ups and they can go into huge (read long ) detail about a conflict or problem with a friend. I try just to ask questions and offer the odd sincere “wow that’s hard”, “goodness that must hurt” or just “I’m listening”. They keep talking, often venting and when the big emotions have passed and they have calmed down, they invariably solve the problem on their own: “I know I’ll wait for Ellie after maths and we can walk to lunch together” or "I’ll text Harriet, she was not invited either, and I'll see what she is doing." I may get a “Thanks Mum” or I may not, but she has owned the problem, solved it herself and improved her resilience.

When we model listening with understanding, we also teach empathy. This is about listening more and talking less, letting go of our own agenda however well meaning and letting them work safely through their emotions . We may also need on occasion to put our ego (our belief in our own ability to solve their problems) aside in order to appreciate that the muddling through is their opportunity to learn that challenges don’t always have tidy solutions and that problems or conflicts don’t have to be scary and avoided, but are a natural part of life.