A simple resolution that can have a huge impact on your child

Although I am not a huge one for resolutions (research tells us that only twenty percent stick past February), I do like the idea of renewal and the hope and optimism that it brings.

Plenty of people do make resolutions and according to Nielsen’s research, unsurprisingly the top two resolutions are consistently to ‘stay fit and healthy’ and ‘lose weight’.

Down at number five is to ‘spend more time with my family.’ At least it made the top five but we think that it should be right up at the top and tweaked slightly to say ‘Spend more time one on one with my family’.

When children misbehave or behave in a less than ideal manner it is usually because 'something' is not quite right. The behaviour we see is a function of the emotion and feelings inside. It is also often the case that when our children are not feeling great, our connection with them needs some work. When our kids feel a strong secure attachment to us, they are more likely to accept our influence and use us as a means of lightening the load, exploring their tough feelings and feeling safe.

Carving out special one on one time with your children is the best way we know to influence, build and create this strong bond.

Here we give you a few realistic ways not just to make it happen but to beat the odds and make it stick. The research says that to adopt a new habit, and this is a new habit after all, our approach should be be reasonable, achievable and you need to be consistent. How many gym memberships and diets get forgotten as our initial enthusiasm peters out or other things get in the way?

Here are five tips to make this important resolution achievable and keep it consistent:

1. Start with small steps : Just ten minutes can make a difference. Commit to saying good night to each of your children (no matter what the age as long as they go to bed before you do!). Knowing they will have this time, makes it more likely that they will save things to share about their day. When you need to pop out to get petrol or go to the shop, take just one child if you can and try to make it fun. In the car, with what Steve Biddolph calls ‘sideways talk’, is a great way to connect. These little times all add up to a strong relationship.

2. Be consistent : Make it a family ritual. Call it ‘special time’ if you like and make it sacred. Make the necessary preparations to make it happen. Your children will feel really valued when they know that nothing comes in the way of your time together.

3. Drop the reins : Make the time fun and interactive and child, rather than parent, led. Kicking a football, colouring together, baking, playing with the dog or painting nails. This is relaxing, screen free time to share. Children feel empowered when you show a real interest in what they love.

4. Give your FULL attention : Don’t interrupt this time by looking at a phone, checking your email or browsing the Sky TV Guide. Listen fully and be led. This is also great modelling for your children. Listening to the little things makes it more likely that they will tell you the big things when they need to. Being fully present and engaged is especially helpful for the child who is more introverted and who may stand in the shadow of a more extroverted or spirited sibling.

5. Never take it away. However disappointed you are with their behaviour that day, never use this one on one time as a consequence or take this time away. This special individual time is a critical building block to address all misbehaviour.

When you think in terms of these five simple steps, you can begin to appreciate that this resolution IS reasonable. It is also important as prioritising spending individual time with your children will change your relationship while boosting their self-esteem and building trust. Giving children our undivided and uninterrupted attention validates them as important individuals which builds their feeling of self-worth. One on one time lets them feel connected to a family but also to each of their parents independently. You develop intimacies, shared memories and insight that will support you through the ups and downs as they change and develop. Your gift of time makes your child feel valued, needed, secure and unconditionally loved.