"I need help getting my son to sleep through the night. We are all exhausted!"
It is comforting to know that it is normal for children, and adults, to wake during the night. Most of us don’t even realise that we have moments of being awake and this is usually during our deep sleep phase when we dream. We are straight back to sleep again. Although up to half of five year olds have times when they don’t sleep though, it is also normal for children six months or older to be able to sleep all the way through the night.
There are many reasons that a toddler might be waking and you might begin by making sure that the bedroom is dark enough, that his is dry, not hungry or thirsty, that his day time nap is not too long and that he is not overtired.
The next step is to ensure that you have a consistent bedtime routine. A regular routine, that you and all your child’s caregivers adhere to, can help address sleep issues now and will also help your child develop good sleep habits for life. Bedtime routines work as children know what to expect, they learn to relax and the routine becomes associative with sleep. Equally important, a consistent calm routine helps our toddlers to feel safe and connected to us and in better place to self sooth to sleep and get back to sleep on their own when they wake in the night.
Start your bedtime routine, as much as you can, at the same time every evening and this includes the weekends. A warm bath relaxes and it is ideal to be clean before bed. Teeth brushing, even with the first teeth, is an important habit and with all these little jobs, make it as much fun as you can but without too much stimulation.
10 to 15 minutes of daily quiet one on one time with your child helps build the secure connection that is an important part of a peaceful calm night. Let your toddler lead, perhaps lie on the floor in their room and quietly colour, play matching pairs or a puzzle. Keep the bedtime routine to their bathroom and bedroom. Sometimes we find ourselves getting anxious around bedtime as we start anticipating resistance. A quiet time of connection can help sooth us both. Read a story. Let them choose (a book with an appropriate length!) and snuggle up and enjoy.
Say goodnight, give them their favourite teddy or soft toy and quietly leave the room. If your child is used to you lying with them, rocking them to sleep or sitting on their bed to get them to sleep there will be a transition period. Consistency is key. The pattern that we set for going to sleep is important to night time wakers as they need to know that they can get back to sleep on their own.
Children react to night waking in different ways. Some may cry out, feeling insecure and unsettled and others may be sensitized to having an adult’s presence to get them back to sleep. We want to let them know that they are safe and teach them that they can get back to sleep on their own. If your toddler does wake in the night, resist the urge to lift him or cuddle him or put him in your bed. Instead sooth quietly perhaps with ‘sweetheart, it is sleepy time now’ and a soft hand on his back. Whisper goodnight and quietly leave the room. If he cries out when you leave, wait a moment to see if he settles then sit quietly on his bed. Sit next to him the first night, not touching or speaking until he gets back to sleep. If he wakes the next night move to a cushion on the floor and over the next nights move your cushion towards the door. This gradual retreat method may take some days or several weeks but your son with realise that he can calmly get himself back to sleep on his own.
Finally, as with all change, no matter what the age of your child, we recommend a little chat through during the day when you are feeling relaxed and connected about the bedtime routine. You can ask your little one what they think comes next, drawing pictures as you chat through what will come after bath, pj’s, quiet play, stories and a goodnight kiss. The more we talk calmly about what is happening, especially for those who get anxious or don’t like transitions, the less resistance we will get. Stay positive and most important, be consistent. It is worth the effort as you will usually find that daytime behaviour improves when your child has slept soundly and you will feel more confident and you are being calmly proactive. Good luck and sweet dreams.