Does Positive Discipline Mean I am a Pushover? 

Nobody wants to be a pushover.

We also know that shouting, threatening, and pleading are ineffective when our children get things wrong.

We're looking for a way to respond when our children make a mistake so they learn from the experience, with their self–esteem and a desire to cooperate intact.

We don’t want to be overcontrolling, and we know deep down that punishment doesn’t work, so what can we do when our kids get it wrong?

Put another way, we want our children to learn they can come to us when they've messed up and know they'll be met with understanding, respect and problem-solving rather than passivity, anger, blame or judgement.  Blame and punishment damage their sense of self-worth, which leads to more poor behaviour or outright rebellion. Being too passive or permissive means they lose the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and can also lead to anarchy. We want an open, trusting relationship where our kids offer up: “Mum, I’ve messed up” or “Dad, we have a problem”, confident that they are safe and will be heard and helped.

Positive Discipline means children are respectfully and compassionately guided to make repairs and solve problems.

Helping kids learn from their mistakes instils self-discipline, a strong moral compass and the confidence that comes with knowing they have the inner resources necessary to cope when things go awry.

If we show compassion and see mistakes as an opportunity for our children to take responsibility for their actions, to forgive themselves and to learn something from the experience, it's also a way to deepen our connection.

When our children get something wrong, we want to think: “How can I teach a lesson that is appropriate for my child with his temperament at this age and stage of development?”

The most valuable proactive approach we can take with our children is to avoid the poor behaviour arising in the first place. When we build our children’s self-esteem day by day by focusing on the things that they get right and inviting them to take responsibility, they're less likely to feel the need to misbehave. When we build that strong connection with our children through listening and Emotion Coaching, they learn to understand and respond appropriately and constructively to their emotions, rather than simply reacting in the heat of the moment. Our children learn to self- regulate and manage their behaviour.

When our kids make a mistake, we need a calm, positive approach.   US parenting expert Bonnie Harris refers to ‘mistaken behaviour’ instead of

‘misbehaviour ’, which comes with assumptions about ‘being bad’ and ‘on purpose’ and all the negative thoughts that lead us to ineffective reactions.

We MISTAKE their behaviour as intentional when, in fact, it is the only thing they CAN do at that moment given whatever they are dealing with. It is, in

fact, only a mistake, not a failure.

The following 5 steps of the 'Mistakes Process' will help you handle those mistaken behaviours calmly and positively, enabling your child to take responsibility and learn from their inevitable mistakes, while protecting your valuable connection:

1. Stay Calm: We have no chance of dealing effectively with our children’sundesirable behaviour unless we stay calm. Dan Siegel, in his book No Drama Discipline, talks about overriding our reactive brain.

There is always the possibility, in the heat of the moment, for us to hit the pause button. We can choose not to react but to respond, and this gives us the chance to ask ourselves why our child acted this way, what lesson do we want to teach, and how can we best teach it? Once we step back and breathe, we approach the mis(taken) behaviour in a less personal, more rational way.

When our children behave inappropriately with us, we can remember that children are learning how to regulate their emotions and that they feel safe enough to do that with us, as they know they will not lose our love. There are times when we need to jump in to keep everyone safe, and we may both have to take bit of time to cool down. We can teach our children that nobody deals well with things when they are upset. We want to remain calm, kind, and respectful, and this is great modelling.

2. Connect and Seek to Understand: Our children make all kinds of mistakes (hitting, being unkind,speaking disrespectfully, ignoring the rules) to meet a perceived need. All unwanted behaviour has a cause, but your child is usually not ‘consciously’ aware of the underlying feeling that caused their behaviour.

Your little girl lashes out at her sister; she wants her turn on the swing. We want to stay close, reassure, listen more than talk, and we want to empathise: e.g.“For you to hit Emma shows me that you're really angry. I'm wondering whether you're finding it hard to wait for your turn on the swing?  It can be really hard to wait.” Show your child that you are trying to understand what's happening under the surface and how she might be feeling. It may be a need for attention, a feeling of jealousy, or perhaps she is just hungry and tired.

You aren't agreeing with the behaviour, but empathising and naming the feelings will help your child calm down in the moment and help her learn to understand and then regulate her own emotions.

3. Help your child admit what happened and that it was a mistake: When everyone is calm, revisit the behaviour and help your child (without any judgment) say in her own words what happened: e.g. “You wanted to get on the swing. You thumped Emma because you thought it was your turn. We need to help you tell Emma with your words because no one should be hurt.”

Encourage your child to admit they made a mistake and make amends for it by explaining that it takes courage to do so. Use lots of Descriptive Praise and your child will learn this valuable lesson: it takes courage to admit they made a mistake and they are indeed courageous and learning a skill to help them deal with a similar situation in the future. Your child will need to set things right when everyone is calm.

Perhaps bring them back together and teach your daughter to ask her sister for what she needs: e.g. “Does Emma need a hug?” Forced apologies are not valuable, but focusing on the needs of the one who was wronged teaches empathy.

4. What lesson can be learned? As parents, this is our opportunity to think about the lesson we want to teach and how to teach it. There are better ways for your child to get your attention than shouting; there is a better way to ask for a turn on the swing than a thump; there is a better way to show frustrations about homework than swearing. Clarify expectations (no matter how angry we are, we may not hurt someone) and think about what would help your child avoid repeating the behaviour. If it is homework battles, you may feel that your child is overwhelmed and exhausted by the end of the day and you see the problem as an opportunity to learn how to choose which activities they pursue. Remember to use lots of Descriptive Praise whenever they get things right.

5. Teach acceptance and forgiveness. We want our children to learn that everyone makes mistakes, we learn from them, we forgive ourselves, and we move on. We are empowering them with the knowledge that they can clear up their messes, whatever the scale, and come out stronger.

If we remember that the word discipline means‘to teach ’, then it reminds us to press the pause button and respond rather than react when our children get things wrong. If we approach discipline positively, helping our children recognise and rectify their mistakes,  we're teaching a vital, valuable life lesson.