Does Positive Discipline Mean I am a Pushover?
None of us wants to be a push over but we also know that shouting, threatening and pleading is ineffective when our children get things wrong. What we need is a way to respond to our children when they make a mistake so that they learn from the experience with their self–esteem and a desire to cooperate intact. We don’t want to be over controlling and we know deep down that punishment doesn’t work, so what can we do when our kids get it wrong?
Put another way, we want our children to know that they can come to us when they have messed up and know they will be met with understanding, respect and problem solving rather than with passivity, anger, blame or judgement. Blame and punishment damages their sense of self-worth which is likely to lead to more poor behaviour or outright rebellion. Being too passive or permissive means we lose the opportunity for them to learn from their mistakes and can also lead to anarchy. We want an open trusting relationship where our kids offer up: “Mum I’ve messed up” or “Dad we have a problem” confident in the knowledge that they are safe and will be heard and helped.
Positive Discipline means children are respectfully and compassionately guided to make repairs and solve problems. Helping them learn from their mistakes instils in them self-discipline and sets them up with a strong moral compass and the confidence that comes with knowing they have the inner resource necessary to cope when things go awry. If we can show compassion and see mistakes as an opportunity for our children to take some responsibility for their actions, to forgive themselves and to learn something from the experience that will make it less likely that it will happen again. Positive Discipline involves learning and this is likely to be a whole new way of thinking. When our children get something wrong we want to think: “How can I teach a lesson that is appropriate for my child with his temperament at his age and stage of development?”
The most valuable proactive approach we can take with our children is to avoid the poor behaviour arising in the first place. When we build our children’s self-esteem day by day through focusing on all the things that they get right using Descriptive Praise and always inviting them to take responsibility they are less likely to feel the need to misbehave. When we build that strong connection with our children through listening and Emotion Coaching they learn to understand and respond appropriately and constructively to their emotions, rather than simply reacting in the heat of the moment as well as learning consideration for others. In short they learn to self- regulate and manage their behaviour.
When things do go wrong, we need a strategy and an approach that we know is effective. US parenting expert Bonnie Harris refers to ‘mistaken behaviour’ instead of ‘misbehaviour’ which comes with assumptions about ‘being bad’ and ‘on purpose’ and all the thoughts that lead us to ineffective reactions. We MISTAKE their behaviour as intentional when in fact it is the only thing they CAN do at that moment given whatever they are dealing with. It is in fact only a mistake, not a failure. The following 5 steps incorporate The Parent Practice’s 'Mistakes Process' and will help you handle those mistaken behaviours calmly and positively, enabling your child to take responsibility and learn from their inevitable mistakes:
1. Stay Calm: We have no chance of dealing effectively with our children’s undesirable behaviour unless we stay calm. Dan Seigel in his book No Drama Discipline talks about overriding our reactive brain. There is always the possibility, in the heat of the moment, for us to hit the pause button. We can choose not to react but to respond and this gives us the chance to ask ourselves why our child acted this way, what lesson do we want to teach and how can we best teach it? Once we step back and breathe we can approach the mis(taken) behaviour in a less personal, more rational way. When our children behave inappropriately with us, we can remember that children are learning how to regulate their emotions and that they feel safe enough to do that with us as they know that they will not lose our love. There are times when we need to jump in keep everyone safe and we may both have to take bit of time to cool down. We can teach our children that nobody deals well with things when they are upset. We want to remain calm, kind and respectful and this is great modeling.
2. Connect and Seek to Understand : Our children make all kinds of mistakes (hitting, being unkind, speaking disrespectfully, ignoring the rules) to meet a perceived need. All unwanted behaviour has a cause but your child is usually not ‘consciously’ aware of the underlying feeling that caused their behaviour. Your little girl lashes out at her sister as she wants her turn on the swing. We want to stay close, reassure, listen more than talk and we want to empathise: e.g.“For you to hit Emma must mean that you are really angry. I am wondering whether you are finding it hard to wait for your turn on the swing. It can be really hard to wait.” Show your child that you are trying to understand what is happening under the surface and how she might be feeling. It may be a need for attention, a feeling of jealousy, or perhaps she is just hungry and tired. You are not agreeing with the behaviour but empathising and naming the feelings will help your child calm down in the moment and help her learn to understand and then regulate her own emotions.
3. Help your child admit what happened and that it was a mistake : When everyone is calm, revisit the behaviour and help your child (without any judgment) say in her own words what happened: e.g. “You wanted to get on the swing. You thumped Emma because you thought it was your turn. We need to help you tell Emma with your words because no one should be hurt.” Encourage your child to admit that they made a mistake and make amends for it by explaining that it takes courage to do so. Use lots of Descriptive Praise and your child will learn this valuable lesson that it takes courage to admit they made a mistake and that they are indeed courageous and at the same time learning a skill to help them deal with a similar situation in the future. Your child will need to set the wrongs to rights when everyone is calm. Perhaps bring them back together and teach your daughter to ask her sister for what she needs: e.g. “Does Emma need a hug?”. Forced apologies are not valuable but focusing on the needs of the one who was wronged teaches empathy.
4. What lesson can be learned? As parents this is our opportunity to think about the lesson we would like to teach and how it can be taught. There are better ways for your child to get your attention than shouting, there is a better way to ask for a turn on the swing than a thump, there is a better way to show frustrations about homework than swearing. Clarify the expectations (no matter how angry we are we may not hurt someone) and think about what would help your child avoid repeating the behaviour? If it is homework battles, you may feel that your child is just overwhelmed and exhausted by the end of the day and you see the problem as an opportunity to learn about making choices about which activities they pursue. Remember to use lots of Descriptive Praise whenever they get things right.
5. Teach acceptance and forgiveness. We want our children to learn that everyone makes mistakes, we learn from them, we forgive ourselves and we move on. We are empowering them with the knowledge that they can clear up their messes, whatever the scale, and come out stronger.
If we remember that the word discipline means ‘to teach’ then it reminds us to press the pause button and respond rather than react when our children get things wrong. If we approach discipline positively, helping our children rectify their mistakes becomes a teaching opportunity.