5 Ways to Cultivate Empathy in Your Child

As screen time goes up, empathy goes down.

This is the growing trend among today’s teens and emerging adults according to a recent study at at the University of Michigan. Led by Dr. William Axinn at the Population Studies Center , the study revealed that college students today are approximately 40 percent less empathetic than they were just 10 years ago. It’s ironic that the generation that is more connected (thanks to technology) than at any time in history, finds it increasingly difficult to feel compassion, connect and understand another’s pain. What can we as parents do to combat this very unsettling shift?

We would all like our children to show empathy. It starts with a sense of self awareness and an ability to see and value another perspective. It is at the heart of success: success in forming good relationships, making good decisions or embracing life compassionately. According to Dr Lawrence Kutner Ph.D. at Harvard Medical School, children who are empathetic tend to do better in school, in social situations and in their adult careers.

We are hearing that empathy in children is on the decline and this is being blamed on the time that they spend online. Interaction via a screen means considerably less face to face contact and fewer opportunities to learn about reading expressions, body language and tuning in to emotions. With the Common-Sense Census (Common Sense Media 2015) reporting that 8-12 year olds are spending up to six hours a day on line with this increasing to 9 hours for teens (13-18 year olds) it seems the problem is widespread and not going away.

Empathy is a complex skill that children learn over time and it needs to be nurtured throughout their lives. Here are a few ways that we can help cultivate empathy in our children:

1. Become an emotion coach. Identify the feelings that your children are experiencing, honor their emotions and learn what makes them tick. Show respect for your child’s emotions by validating those difficult feelings and letting our children know that all emotions are acceptable although some behaviours may not be. Giving those feelings a name: ‘I imagine that you might be feeling jealous’, ‘you must be furious’ ‘you are probably really frustrated…’ helps children to manage their emotions. As Dan Siegel (Author of Mindsight, the Whole Brain Child and others) says it teaches children to “name and tame” the emotions they are experiencing, rather than being overwhelmed by them. This can start at an early age and helping children manage these tough feelings helps them become self- aware, develop self-control and puts them in better place to show empathy.

2. Talk about taking another perspective . Read books, look at films and notice how people are feeling and experiencing life. What do the people in your book or on the screen think, believe, want, or feel? When hearing about their day ask how do you think she felt? How did you know? In one experimental study, 110 school children (aged 7 years) were enrolled in a program of reading. Some students were randomly assigned to engage in conversations about the emotional content of the stories they read. Others were asked only to produce drawings about the stories. After two months, the children in the conversation group showed greater advances in emotional comprehension, theory of mind, and empathy, and the positive outcomes "remained stable for 6 months" (Ornaghi et al 2014). We can also talk about hypothetical situations. How would you feel if Freddie took a car away from you? How would he feel if someone took a toy from him?

3. Be a role model. We say that eighty percent of parenting is modelling. Our children watch and learn from our actions and how we handle ourselves in every area of our lives. They pick up on how we show empathy to others: how do we treat the waitress, reach out with concern to the unhappy child in the class or talk about trying to understand and help our friends? Children take on our values most effectively over time when they see these values lived out day to day.

4. Acknowledge your children when they show empathy. Be consistent in descriptively praising your children when they show the qualities of compassion, understanding and kindness: ‘That was kind of you to go in the other car so that Emma did not feel left out’. ‘Thank you for asking about my day.’’ Thank you for putting your phone down while I am talking to you. I know that you are listening’. Descriptive praise is a powerful tool as we focus and acknowledge what our children get right and by doing so we give them the information they need to repeat that empathetic behavior.

5. Show empathy to your children by being present, emotionally available and ready to listen. When we treat children as individuals with minds of their own they feel valued, it builds trust and connection. We build a respectful relationship. Focus on your children with plenty of conversation (try devise free meals), lots of outdoor fun (whatever their age) and a positive attitude. When our children feel secure and connected, they want to take on our values and they develop a strong sense of self-worth from where they can feel empathy for others.

To give your child the gift of empathy is to help him or her to communicate more effectively, love more deeply, connect more profoundly and influence others more supportively - all vital skills in being able make a positive impact as an adult from a position of true understanding.