Why are my kids fighting all the time?

During the weeks they had together this summer, Neal felt that things were a little more tense and that the kids were at each other most of the time. 

Neal has his three children two evenings a week, every other weekend, and he shares the holidays.   

Normally they seem to all rub along, but over the last few months, the kids have been snapping at each other and constantly picking up on comments that they used to let slide.  Sometimes they were downright mean. What was going on?

Neal came to me worried about his kids. He hated the sibling squabbling and wondered how much of the increased tension might be caused by the stress and strain of their parents’ separation.   He wanted to know what he could do to support his kids and their relationship, and his own reactions when things kicked off.

It’s really important to Neal that his kids get on. He has a close relationship with his own siblings, and he wants that for his kids, especially now.

Since he separated from their Mum, his kids move together between their two homes; they have become the constant in each other’s lives.  Everything else is a change. Would that perhaps make their relationships different from how they used to be, he wondered?

Neal knows all siblings squabble; it’s a normal part of family life, but he also recognises it’s a real button pusher for him.  When his kids fight, whether it’s the unending bickering in the back seat or the full-blown shouting matches over ‘borrowing’ each other’s stuff, he erupts.  He knows his reaction is fuelled by worry that they’ll never get on and his own stress that he doesn’t know what to say or do.   On top of all that, he now feels guilt. 

Before the separation, the row in the back seat was just a row; now he wonders if he’s made it worse and whether they’ll be ok.

So what can Neal do?

We started first with Neal himself

Neal hated how he reacted to his kids’ fighting. The more they fought, the shorter his fuse became, and he’d shout or say something he later regretted.   We explored how Neal’s emotions short-circuited his ability to calmly and effectively respond and ways he could widen his window of tolerance. With practice, Neal learned to pause, dial down the catastrophizing and reach for new strategies to calm the sibling squabbles.

Neal learned to lean into curiosity. 

All children experience divorce differently, influenced by their temperament, their stage of development and the circumstances.  They adjust in different ways and at different speeds.   

Neal shifted from ‘what do I do?’ to ‘what do they need?’

Instead of seeing only the squabbling, he thought about how his kids were experiencing their new life. Perhaps his teenage daughter was torn between her parents, and perhaps his younger son might miss the time he spent on his own with his dad? Maybe his middle daughter was finding it really tough to manage the work of being a teen while moving between two homes

He also realised how any child who is feeling emotionally drained or overwhelmed has less capacity for the ordinary annoyances of sibling life.

Neal’s breakthrough moment came when he started to put his energy into what he could control rather than what he could not. 

He put his focus on his responsibility and on his own home, not just what he gives his kids for dinner and the rules around screens, but the atmosphere, his presence and how he chooses to show up in the relationship that he has with each of his three children.   

This opened a whole new way of thinking about how his kids got along.  There were so many ways that he could influence, model and guide his kids in their relationships with each other. 

He could create and protect family traditions and rituals not only because they provide the predictability and consistency that his kids need but also because they are fun and help create a sense of belonging. 

We looked at the atmosphere Neal wanted to create in his home and all the small things he could do to make it happen.

What happened next? 

Neal's kids didn't suddenly stop arguing.

But the arguments became less and stopped feeling quite so scary. 

Neal felt calmer and more in control. He was getting better at looking behind the behaviour to ask himself what each of his children might be trying to say, and what they might need.   Rather than jumping into the storm with his kids, he learned when to let them sort things out on their own and when to step in. 

Neal put his energy into creating a home where each child felt understood and secure, while giving their relationship with each other space to adjust and grow. 

The goal isn’t siblings that never argue; it's helping kids feel happy enough in their homes and in their own skin to disagree, repair, and enjoy each other in a family which may look different but still feels like home. 

For more on sibling struggles, have a read of my full article

Is you can relate to Neal and his concern about his kids, why not get in touch and I can help. Just click here