What all children need, whatever their age

Parental separation involves transition, change, and adjustment, yet we know children do better with stability, security, and predictability.  

How can we help make this period of upheaval as safe and stable as possible, ensuring our children are protected and still able to thrive? 

All children need and deserve to feel safe, seen, soothed and secure. 

Children of divorce cope best when they are protected from conflict, daily life stays as stable as possible, and they can keep warm, reliable relationships with both parents (when safe to do so).  What do these 4 S's look like for these kids?

• Safe: When they're kept out of adult conflict; aren't turned into messengers or confidants; neither parent criticises the other.  They have two homes that feel like reliable, predictable safe harbours. 
• Seen:  When their feelings are noticed, named, and always accepted, including love for and loyalty to their other parent.   When they feel they can share all parts of their life with you. When they feel acknowledged and celebrated for who they are.
• Soothed:  When they have calm, confident and supportive adults who help them settle when distressed. 
• Secure:  When all these needs are met, and they know both parents love them, that none of this is their fault, and that they'll always be looked after.

What should we look out for and keep an eye on?  Our children’s behaviour is communication. Depending on their age, temperament and stage of development, the anger, regression or withdrawal we might see is often a signal of stress or a cry for attention and help, rather than misbehaviour or defiance.     

What we see and how we can help will change and adjust: 

What's different by age

Here are some things you might see and how you can help:

Babies & toddlers (0–2)

What you might see: Disrupted sleep and feeding, clinginess, upset at handovers, loss of new skills

How you can help: Keep the same routines and comfort objects in both homes; have shorter, more frequent time with each parent; calm, settled parents, and brief handovers

Preschool (3–5)

What you might see: Self-blame, magical thinking ('If I am really good, Mum might come back here'), regression, tantrums, nightmares, fear of abandonment, repeated questions

How you can help: Give short, simple explanations, repeated often: "It's a grown-up decision; it's not your fault"; Use visual calendars; Have patience, be calm, give reassurance and attention

Early school (6–8)

What you might see: Open sadness and grief, missing the other parent, hopes of reconciliation, early loyalty conflicts, dips at school

How you can help: Validate their feelings; be kind but clear that the adult decision is final; always permit them to enjoy and talk about the other home; Let school know

Tweens (9–12)

What you might see: Anger more than sadness, black-and-white thinking, siding with one parent, stomach aches or other physical symptoms of stress, strong sense of unfairness: "it's not fair"; asking more questions.

How you can help: Keep them out of adult details, decisions and discussions; empathise with wanting to take sides;  ask their views on practicalities, but let adults decide. Find choices they can make, such as the colour of their new room.  Always answer their questions honestly but age-appropriately

Teenagers (13–18)

What you might see: Withdrawal, anger or "I don't care", taking on adult roles, pushback, risk-taking, low mood

How you can help: Give an honest, age-appropriate explanation, shield them from adult conflict; involve them in flexible arrangements ; avoid leaning on them; watch for low mood and risk. Let them be teenagers. 

Young adults (18+)

What you might see: They may feel overlooked, or that their childhood has been rewritten; they may be pulled into supporting a parent as a confidant or mediator, tension at family events or conflicted about where to spend their time. 

How you can help: Treat them as adult children, not confidants or mediators; don't make them manage your feelings about the other parent. Help them make sense of their own experience of their parents' separation through talking when they feel ready.

None of us wants our children's childhood to be defined by their parents' separation.

Dr Dan Siegel's work suggests the answer lies less in the event itself and more in how children are helped to make sense of it.

• Be present, not perfect. What protects children is a parent who shows up, tunes in and stays steady. Little ones borrow our calm; older ones watch how we handle it.
• Help them tell the story. Children who can make sense of what happened carry it as one chapter, not the whole book. Under 5s need a simple, repeated story; school-age children need help naming feelings ("name it to tame it"); teenagers need honesty and room to reach their own understanding.
• Repair when you get it wrong. Every parent loses their temper or says too much. Coming back to acknowledge it teaches children that relationships can mend.
• Make sense of your own story. A parent who has processed their own feelings about the separation can hold their child's without passing on their pain.

The separation becomes part of their story, not the definition of it.