One Mum's Journey to Co-parenting Clarity and Confidence
You can't control everything, but you can focus your energy on your side of the road
It can feel really hard to stay in our lane on the co-parenting road, focus on what we can control, and let the rest go. For me, learning to put my energy into the things I can influence has, at times, felt like a huge task.
But staying on my side of the road has been an important part of my journey; it has helped me stay calmer, do my part to manage disagreements (or at least not provoke them), and take ownership of the relationship and the experience I want for my kids.
I thought I'd share a little about Melanie, a lovely mum I worked with last year, and how her shift in focus helped calm her reactions, build her confidence and be there for her children.
Melanie was separating, and she and her husband still shared the family home with their two daughters. They found communication really challenging, and it wasn't an easy place to be.
As you might imagine, living under the same roof meant her focus and energy were often on her co-parent's behaviour: his words, his choices and how he chose to show up for the girls. They usually fell into the same old communication patterns, which were distressing, exhausting and unsettling for the children.
Melanie worked hard to shift her attention to the things, even tiny things, within her influence and control.
She couldn't control how her co-parent chose to behave, but she could keep returning to the mum she wanted to be and how she wanted the girls to feel with her: safe, understood and loved. When they slipped into familiar patterns, she learned to pause before responding and ask herself: "What matters most here?" "What might help, or at least not make things harder?"
She learned to anticipate and notice how she reacted, and to give herself a little space: a deep breath, feeling her feet on the floor, or "I need a few minutes before we carry on." She worked on recognising and validating her feelings and giving herself more choice about what to do next. She noticed when things were getting too much, when she needed to pause, and what helped her steady herself before responding. She felt calmer.
Plenty of things were not in Melanie's control, but plenty of things were. She decided how she wanted to show up for each conversation or decision. She learned to stick to one practical issue, say what was needed without emotion (or criticism or apology) and make a clear request: "The girls need to know who's collecting them tomorrow afternoon. Can we agree that this evening?" She couldn't guarantee a constructive reply, but she could calmly choose her words, set a clear boundary and decide when to pause an unhelpful exchange.
Melanie kept her mind on the future she wanted for her children. She learned strategies that helped her pause and stay calm. She couldn't control everything, but she found the clarity and confidence to show up as the parent she wanted to be, one step at a time.
