Will our separation mess up our teenager?

It’s the question I hear more than most, and one I’ve asked myself.

I recently had the pleasure of joining Walker Family Law once again, this time to talk about teens for their Divorce Support Club webinar. I wanted to share what came out of that conversation because the answer to “Will this ruin my teenager’s life?” is more hopeful than most parents expect.

It doesn’t have to. Lots of teenagers come through their parents’ separation and thrive. How we handle it can make a real difference. If we do our best to keep them out of disagreements, avoid using them as messengers, keep adult problems between adults, and focus on our relationship with our kids, we help them experience our divorce as one chapter in their childhood rather than what defines it.

There’s no perfect time. After GCSEs, after Christmas, after their birthday… there’s always a reason to wait. Like many of us, one Mum really struggled. It was a conversation she never wanted to have. She put it off time and again as her children were at various stages of important exams, but she knew it had to happen. She chose the start of the half-term holiday, when everyone was at home. That gave them a week to absorb the news, talk and begin to adjust before returning to school. There was no easy time, just the best she could do in difficult circumstances.

Their brains are under construction. It’s not just raging hormones; adolescence is a time of huge brain redevelopment. I imagine the accelerator being fitted before any brakes, and it helps explain the big emotional reactions we sometimes see as our teens' ability to pause, weigh things up and see the bigger picture comes later.  When I realised our separation was adding another layer to an already complicated time for our kids, I got much better at seeing life from their point of view.

Give your teens a voice. Teens tell us one of the hardest parts of family separation is the feeling that everything is happening ‘to’ them. None of us does well when we feel everything is changing and we have no control.  Letting our kids know they can ask us anything and that we’ll always tell them what we can helps.  Some things need to stay between adults, and adults ultimately make the decisions, but empowering our teens to tell us what they need and what might make life easier helps them feel seen, understood and cared for.

The worry is understandable. It reflects how much you love your kids and want to get this right. Change can feel frightening. Be kind, look after yourself and focus on what you can influence: creating a calm home that reflects your values and finding opportunities to strengthen your relationship with your teen.

My top three tips?

·    Pause, take a deep breath and put yourself in their shoes.

·    Give them a voice and really listen.

·    And try to have some fun together. It matters more than you think.