Blog Post
Choosing a school. Why your child's temperament might matter
Heather Rutherford • Nov 20, 2019
Insights into what makes your child tick
No matter where you are on your school journey, the prospect of searching for and deciding on the school where your child will be happy, grow in confidence and be successful can be overwhelming.
‘Schools’ for parents at a certain stage (in fact most stages) becomes a never-ending topic of conversation. Informal opinions, assessments and sometimes family experience can be a way to get a grasp of what a school is like, beyond the website and the ratings, but this can also send you off in the wrong direction for the wrong child. We suggest that you begin by taking a long hard inquisitive and honest look at your unique child. Understanding how your child experiences school will guide you on your way.
Let’s begin by having a good look at just what makes your child tick. What is their temperament, their character and what are their strengths and weaknesses –social, sporting, academic, creative? Where are they on their journey of development? What are your own family beliefs and values? Once you have answered these questions, you can begin to match your child to an environment to which they are best suited and give them the best chance to be happy and thrive.
1. What is temperament and why is it important?
Temperament is a set of innate traits that organises your child’s approach to the world. These traits are instrumental in the development of their distinct personality along with cultural influences and life experience. Research supports the idea that temperament reflects individual differences and has genetic, biological and neurological underpinnings. We can see our children’s temperament very early on and although it stays relatively stable it can be modified and adapted through age, experience and our parenting - which is why parenting and the school environment are so important.
Temperament is never ‘good’ or ‘bad’. We all fall somewhere on a scale for different traits for example intensity, sensitivity or energy. It may well be hard to believe when our kids are young that some of the same traits that challenge our parenting go on to be highly valued in adults such as independence, persistence, intensity or curiosity. It is our job to identify, understand and accept each child’s unique qualities not to change them but rather to help children optimise their strengths and minimize their weaknesses - all with the aim of building self-awareness and self-esteem. If we ignore the way our children are wired, we might find ourselves swimming upstream.
In our work, we use the framework provided by Dr Stella Chess and Dr Alexander Thomas whose research in the early 1950’s identified nine categories that define temperament. It can be extremely helpful to uncover your child’s innate temperament to explain their reactions and behaviours. It is how we help our children manage their temperament that will determine whether these traits are perceived by them as being a bad or good thing.
Here are some examples of what children need to hear from us, to understand and learn to work with their temperamental traits. A child with low adaptability might need to hear “I can see you taking your time and thinking this through. That is a good plan as you like to know what is happening and what to expect” rather than “oh come on you will be fine”. A sensitive child should hear “you’re getting upset easily because you’ve had busy day and you are sensitive so it makes you make you feel funny and you get tired easily. Let’s go home and have some calm and quiet time.” instead of ‘I am sure you are just tired. I think you are being a bit over sensitive.” Or an intense child could hear “I can see that really upset you. Things can be really frustrating for you when they don’t go right the first time.”
The aim is to frame our observations and feedback to them positively. As we help them appreciate, understand and manage their own temperaments we help them build self confidence and self-esteem.
Understanding our children’s temperament and thinking about our own is vital in helping us to have realistic expectations about our children. Not only will this help in thinking about the right school but most importantly it helps us respond appropriately and calmly to our children at home. When we appreciate why our persistent child finds it hard to let go, we can be more compassionate and help them learn strategies to manage rather than just getting frustrated and cross.
An important temperamental trait and perhaps one that we think is easily recognisable is sociability – whether your child is an extrovert or an introvert and it is worth a word especially in the context of school life. The distinction is usually referred to as shy versus outgoing. But, it is to do with how these two types of temperament derive their energy - how they recharge. An introvert needs downtime to recharge. An extrovert is energized by people. Sometimes we mistake shyness and social anxiety for an introverted temperament with a need for quiet time and solitude. On the face of it school is for extroverts and for introvert’s school can be quite overwhelming. These children often don’t know how or where to slowdown and find some peace. Quiet children not only need to have a time and place to recharge, they need to find their voices in the classroom and can need support to uncover their interests and passions.
Looking at some other temperaments - an intense, sensitive, reactive, persistent, glass half full, child will also need a lot of support to manage school.
My eldest son is an intense, persistent, sensitive, introvert with dyslexia that was initially undiagnosed. He found the classroom and the social side of things challenging at first and let out his frustrations on occasion on his classmates and got into trouble but usually he let it all out within the safety of his home. He was what we call a strong-willed child and the struggles initially reduced his self-esteem and caused more poor behavior. I sought support and was reminded ‘just think how hard school is for him every single day!”. What a revelation as I thought that he was just naughty. When looking for a school, we needed somewhere with joined up thinking, good learning support, structure, lots of pastoral care but which also could challenge him academically. He went on blossom at his senior school because he had a supportive structure, understanding and inspiring mentor figures, a huge array of activities that challenged him and where he found like-minded friends and all this allowed him to gain competence and boosted his self-esteem.
Asking our children what they enjoy about school and what they find challenging (perhaps having to sit still in lessons, having to switch quickly between activities, the playground, math’s!) will give you further vital information about their temperaments and how they experience school. This understanding of what makes your child tick is vital in thinking about school and right fit but it can help use be more compassionate and support of their everyday experience. Our aim
is to find an environment where the demands, expectations and opportunities are going to be compatible with their own unique temperament – an environment where they have the best chance to thrive.
2. Developmental stage:
Another factor that may have a bearing on your child’s school experience is her developmental stage. It is helpful to recognize that children all develop differently (physically, emotionally, cognitively) and that is OK. Just to know that developmental stages are not the same as age and age is less important, helps us manage expectations about our children and again think about the environment in which they will thrive.
Both my girls were born in the summer. My youngest daughter was academically able and socially adept and sailed into school smiling all the way (with the occasional telling off for being too chatty). Her birth order may have helped but developmentally she reached milestones before her older sister. Her sister has a late August birthday and as a sensitive, introvert, who always took her time to adapt, being the youngest of 550 pupils was going to be a challenge for her in her first school. In those early years, she had frequent tummy aches on the way to school. In hindsight, I can appreciate that she didn’t truly thrive until she went to a smaller, quieter, less rigid school where everyone knew her name. There we and she found that she had a hugely rich internal world, is incredibly perceptive about people, is a loyal friend and, once she feels comfortable, contributes in her own insightful way. She just needed time. She went on to blossom and grow in confidence at her small senior school and caught up with her peers developmentally. She went from sitting with her back to the audience as an angel in the Reception nativity play to being comfortable speaking to an auditorium full of people.
3. Family Values:
Values. We want always to ask ourselves where is our moral compass set and what would we like to pass on to my children? Every family is different and it is such a useful exercise to work through this together. As Stephen Covey says in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - we need to “Begin with the end in mind “. It is about the journey but we need to have the destination clearly in sight.
Talking about and living these values consistently, openly and honestly is the most effective way to ensure that your kids adopt them as their own.
We want to get clear on our own values before we choose a school for our children as it is important that we are all on the same page. You don’t want to get there only to have it dawn on you that their beliefs are distinctly different to those that you would wish to impart on your children.
Amongst other things, effort, attitude and gratitude are important in our family. We talk about a Growth Mindset Approach to life and learning
therefore, it was important to find schools that would focus on the effort, attitude and approach rather than just the results.
We also try to acknowledge and celebrate our individual interests, strengths and weaknesses. To me it was important to look for a school that accommodates, supports and celebrates individual talents and interests.
Another example of family values is our approach to digital devices and this is more and more important. You might ask what are your family values around technology? No phones at meals, during homework or in bedrooms? What are the school policies? Is the school adaptive and responsive? You most likely want a school that is walking the talk.
Finally, we want to get a picture of what looks and feels right for our child –looking at the world through their eyes and understanding how it feels to be them. We can then focus on choosing the right school for their unique temperament, at their stage of development and one which fits with our own unique family values.