Blog Post
My Toddler's Favourite word is NO!!
Heather Rutherford • Nov 04, 2019
Top Tips for Greater Cooperation and Connection during the Toddler Years
Exhilarated, exhausted, baffled by their energy and their whining?? You must have a toddler.
I remember my sister who had three young boys close in age telling me, a professional woman with no children and a savage schedule, that she wished she had time just to shave her legs. I thought that was absurd. Surely she just got in the shower? Then my turn came, with three, three and under I didn’t have time to shower, let alone shave my legs. How my life had changed. Instead of nice suits and swish lunches, an outing to Tesco, in my gym kit (no hope of ever getting to the gym) for lunch in the café and only a minor tantrum in the aisle was an absolute triumph.
Life with a toddler, or several of them, is by its nature full on and exhausting. I look back now and wonder if I spent enough time enjoying them, appreciating and revealing in the joy and wonder that these small people bring. I do know that I could have been a little kinder to myself, patted myself on the back a little more often and I could have had more realistic expectations about my kids and what life should look like.
Perhaps the toughest part of life with a toddler and the one which pushes our buttons is the constant whining and lack of cooperation accompanied by all those “NO’s!”. But when we can remember that their job is to get what they want or to put it more politely, to have their needs met, in whatever way they can, we begin to understand and can be more compassionate about their often frustrating and usually exhausting behaviour.
It is absolutely right that we ask the question, why is it so tough to get our kids to cooperate and just do what we need them to do?
These early years are a time of huge development and I find it helpful to think about what is happening in their brains. As they develop they begin to understand that they are their own (little) person. They seem to be almost taken by surprise and often marvel at their new-found voices along with a new drive for independence. All this is entirely normal as they pull away from the utter dependence upon us.
The part that is not yet developed however is their ability to regulate themselves and their emotions. Along with limited self-control, they have big feelings but lack the language to express themselves effectively. We need to be their self-control and help them learn about cooperation, self- discipline and doing the right thing. We can start early to teach them calmly, with patience and understanding about limits and cooperation. That however can be a big ask in the face of a tantrum or ‘NO, NO, NO!’
The influence that we have with our children no matter what their age comes from our relationship. The connection comes from how we speak and interact with our children and how we show them that we get it, we understand their pain and are not afraid of their big emotions. We are sending the message that they are safe and that “we’ve got this together”. When we meet their big emotions with our own, we don't get anywhere. If we can start with the premise that our toddlers are having a problem, not being a problem, that they are not doing it ‘on purpose’, but are just trying to get their needs met
in the only way they know how, we will be more able to help our children learn with understanding, curiosity and compassion.
Here are a few tools to help you calmly, effectively and happily navigate the toddler years:
- Show them we understand – Acknowledge their feelings by putting them into words: “I know you don’t want to leave the park. You love playing in the sand. I bet you feel that we never stay quite long enough. That's so hard” said with a calm, compassionate expression.
- Set clear limits and stick to them – “It's time to leave now so that we get back in time to feed Tabby. I bet she is hungry”. Give them choices – that you can live with. “Are you going to walk to the car or jump in the stroller?” Giving choices is effective as it gives children the feeling that they have some control. It can often head off big emotions before they get started and develops the part of their brain responsible for self-control.
- Be creative and use humour – “Do you think that Tabby is sitting in her basket asking ‘Where is Freddie? I am sure my watch says he would be home by now’” – using your best cat impersonation.
- Calmly and consistently keep to the limit - “It is hard to leave the park. You love it here. You can decide if you want to skip to the car or I can push you. if you can’t decide Mummy will decide for you”. Calmly and firmly keep to your limit. He may cry, which is a sign that he is letting out his big feelings, and that is ok. Help him get back to that calm place with your support and empathy. Only when he is calm can he think. He may need a huge hug. That is also ok and you can talk later about how hard he found it to keep to the limit, when you are both feeling calm and connected.
- Descriptive Praise - We get more of what we pay attention to. When we focus on all the things they get right and as much as we can ignore the poor behaviour, we will get more of the behaviour we want to see. The positive attention builds our connection, teaches them about the behaviour we are looking for and builds their self-esteem. It gives them a feeling that they are children who get things right.
- And finally, a word about Special Time. One on one child led special time is incredibly effective at building connection, deepening your relationship and healing wounds. Our children get a feeling of unconditional love when we make it clear that there is nothing that we would rather be doing than spending time with them. A wonderful ritual to add to your family and wonderful way to enjoy your toddler.