Help! Where did this behaviour come from and what do I do about it??

Aside from kicking leaves, picking apples and carving pumpkins, this time of year brings shorter days, a long school term and exhausted children. Whether your little one has started school, your bigger one has moved up to secondary school or it is just a new school year, the change of routine, the greater demands and the waning excitement as they realise they are in for the long haul, can sap their energy and sink their mood. The result can be tricky behaviour that you may not have seen before.  

We know this autumnal pattern all too well and have a few tried and tested ideas to get you all back on track: 

1. Tackle the hotspots with some forward planning.  

We all have times in our days or weeks when the train predictably comes off the tracks. Perhaps it is mornings and getting everyone out the door in the right clothes, with the right stuff, with good food in their tummies and on time.  Or perhaps it is the evening when you are all tired and there is homework and music practice and you have an eye on that clock wishing it forward until your kids are asleep.  

An effective first step to tackling any hot spot is to hold a family meeting. It may sound contrived but we know that no matter what the ages of your kids, when you all get together, at a time when you are relaxed and chat through what makes your hot spot a hot spot, good things happen. 

Perhaps start like this:  “Mornings are not really working for us, are they? What do you think we can do to help us all get out the door on time - perhaps even with a smile on our faces? Ok, even without the smile.”  Keep the tone light and your goal of a smooth, calm morning with a consistent, predictable routine in mind and brainstorm for solutions. Perhaps you will need to get up a little earlier. Perhaps the kids can pack their bags the night before. Perhaps they can decide what they would like for breakfast to avoid the ‘discussion’ about it in the morning. 

Evenings are the number one hotspot for our families. A clear set out routine to which the whole family has contributed is THE most effective way to avoid the evening stress. It is through routines, repetition and practice that we instil good habits that last a lifetime. A routine that includes getting homework or music practice done before the game or story teaches our kids about getting the tough stuff done before the relaxation and fun – a great lesson in delayed gratification. Predictability with a clearly set out routine not only keeps us all on track but it helps avoid the nagging and repeating. Rather than ‘how many times do I have to ask you to get upstairs?” it becomes “You have worked hard to finish everything you need to do down here. What do you need to do now?” 

Write down your collective ideas and what you have agreed and shake on it so that everyone buys in. Then get started! Don’t forget to listen and empathise with their worries and concerns, keep the mood positive and acknowledge all the things they get right. 

 2. Don’t take it personally. 

 A change in behaviour can often seem to be targeted directly at us. We are our kids’ safe space and although it may be hard in the moment, we do want it that way. Our children often bottle up their feelings and manage to hold it all together at school only to let it all out when they get home or even before they get that far. If we can dig deep and remember that their difficult behaviour is usually caused by tough feelings and that they are not simply out to get us, we can support them with compassion rather than with frustration, anger or judgement. Our aim is to stay calm and if we can remember that they are ‘having a problem not being a problem’ (a phrase coined by parenting expert Bonnie Harris) we will be in better place to acknowledge their feelings and empathise with them without our own emotions getting in the way. 

Imagine their day. Perhaps they feel that have been told what to do ALL day long and they have just had enough. Perhaps they are finding new friendship groups hard to navigate and are feeling insecure. Perhaps they are struggling to make heads or tails of science and are feeling unsuccessful. Maybe they are just feeling they are on that hamster wheel of life! There are endless possibilities and our job as parents it to get to the ‘why’ behind their behaviour. 

By taking the path of curiosity and understanding we send the message from our own calm place that ALL feelings are ok. Yes, even the tough ones like jealousy of a sibling to whom all things come easily, embarrassment that they forgot their homework diary AGAIN or anxiety at having to stand up in class and recite those tricky times tables. Taking it personally means we can get caught in how the behaviour which these emotions underpins might reflect poorly back on us.  When we remind ourselves that it is about them, not us and approach them with understanding and perspective we are better able to help everyone get back to calm. Then and only then can we teach them to express themselves in an acceptable way. If we are caught up in taking their behaviour personally, we won’t be able to do our job. 

Rather than: “Do not throw your bag down on the floor!” or “Do not speak to me in that tone of voice!!” try “I am thinking that you had a pretty tough day as it is not like you to speak to me that way (or throw your things on the floor)”. Think openness, compassion and curiosity and this usually starts with taking a stress reducing long deep breath. 

3. Special time. 

So much of unwanted behaviour comes from an unmet need.  You might not know exactly what this need is (tiredness, feeling overwhelmed or out of control, a need for attention, jealousy, frustration) but we do know that a greater connection will always be a vital part of solving the problem. Spending even a short amount of special time with your child builds that connection. No matter what their age, uninterrupted, child led and fully engaged one on one time gets things back on track.

If you can carve out just 10 minutes of alone time with each of your children you will build their confidence, meet their natural need for attention and let them know that they are special. You will be sending this message: ”there is nothing that is more important right now than my time with you”.  In our busy, over scheduled, always on world, this is gold dust. 

Put special time in your routine as a non-negotiable – perhaps in the evening or at the weekend and let them know when it will be and that you are looking forward to spending time together.  Turn off the phone (nothing buzzing in the background), shut the laptop, put away all distractions and ask them what they would like to do. Perhaps it’s a game of Connect 4, baking, a run around the garden, drawing, Lego, a back rub or a foot massage.   The possibilities are endless. Consciously putting the time aside during your busy week means that you can both relax and enjoy being together while cementing your relationship. A deepened relationship addresses misbehavior, stress, anxiety and is the key to having a child who is confident and open to our support and our influence. 

When thing get busy and we all get tired and a bit overwhelmed, a little forward planning combined with stepping back from taking our children’s behaviour personally can help to shift the behaviour. Adjustment and change takes time.  It is about progress, enjoying the journey and each other along the way, rather than perfection.