Blog Post
5 Top Tips to Reclaim your Family Weekend
Heather Rutherford • Feb 13, 2020
How to reconnect and restore yourselves and have some fun
One Mum said that Saturday was the most stressful morning of the week and that despite the anticipation and expectation about having a wonderful time together, the reality was usually different. They tried hard to do nice things such as pancake breakfasts but there was always a rush to get everyone out the door to the next activity. They were tired, with too many things to do and not enough time together. There was nagging, shouting and the odd tantrum and by the end of the weekend, with homework to do and jobs to finish they were all still exhausted.
Perhaps that sounds all too familiar.
We all love a happy relaxed weekend but with competing interests and many worthwhile and worthy things to do, vital peaceful family time is usually the first thing to get brushed aside.
How can we make sure that everyone has manageable and realistic expectations and that each one of us feels reconnected, recharged and that we've had some fun together too?
Here are our 5 top tips for reclaiming the weekend:
1 Plan Ahead - Prioritise and plan your family time. Investing energy in setting priorities saves precious time, keeps us on track and reduces weekend hotspots. When we take charge, and are proactive about our family time and values, we create a calmer happier home.
We are not in charge when we are reacting as things happen around us or leave things to chance. Set out, discuss and agree together during the week what needs to get done and what can wait so that time together can happen.
It is especially important to plan, communicate and be consistent with screen time limits. Without a plan set out in advance we can just imagine finding our kids on screens all over the house with the inevitable disagreements about the where, when and for how long. This usually descends into nagging, repeating and the odd raised voice. For more on setting screen limits see our blog.
When we take time to plan, get our kids involved, and set things up so they are more likely to go well, we can proactively manage the hotspots. We need to keep each of our children, with their unique temperament, in mind. For example, if you have a sensitive child who finds transitions difficult, you’ll need to allow more time to move from one activity (pancakes for example) to another (leaving the house suited and booted for football practice). You want to give him plenty of warning (“remember we chatted about football yesterday. What did you decide you were going to do to give yourself more time and get ready this morning? yeah that's right you remembered about getting dressed before pancakes' ) and yourself the time to listen and empathise with his struggles.
Restorative, relationship building fun weekends don’t just happen, we need to set up for a successful weekend by taking the time to plan, collaborate and to communicate.
2. Be realistic
– So often we have a wonderful and worthy list of things to get done on the weekend. There are logs to be stacked, cars to be washed, reports to read, piano to practice, football to be played. Some of our frustration and emotion can arise when our expectations about what we can achieve and the reality of where we should be focusing our time and energy are out of synch. Having our family values in mind helps keep expectations and reality in check.
I often come back to Stephen Covey and his Seven Habits of Highly Successful People. Habit number two is: ‘begin with the end in mind’. Having a clear vision of the destination helps us move proactively in the right direction. You might ask yourself “can I realistically get all that done (the loft cleared, the long bike ride, the cakes baked) AND stay on track towards my end goal of raising kids who feel securely attached to our strong family unit?” My goal involves spending quality time with all my kids at the weekend.
Being realistic about our time may mean saying NO to something else and in order to give ourselves the opportunity to be fully present for your kids AND do what needs to get done. Keep in mind that the 'NO' might just be the extra activity that you feel your child SHOULD be doing. Having a clear realistic goal will often help these decisions become clearer.
3. Make memories
- My memories of my childhood are of cricket matches, riding bikes, garden antics, playing cards and lots of laughter with my parents and siblings. There were also the swimming lessons, homework, jobs and tantrums but they have, for the most part, receded to the backdrop in my memory. Keeping memory making and joy an important part in our weekend can take energy but by planning, being realistic and adding a little fun and creativity we are most of the way there.
The word ‘creative’ always scares me as I think of craft filled afternoons which are not my forte. But it can be a lot easier than that. How things are perceived will often depend upon how they are presented: the small wheelbarrow or the sledge so you can all move logs together, having a speaker with your kids choosing the music while you all wash the car, the den you all build inside with the table cloth when it is raining with the video at the end while you finish your report OR the coffee run with your teen via the dry cleaner on the way home.
There are other ways to be fun AND practical. My sister and her husband had a little rule when her three boys were young. If one of them needed to get in the car to run an errand, they took a child with them. I love this idea as they made the time with one of their sons special while being helpful to their partner who was left at home with a smaller complement of children instead of being left with all three and wondering whether the other was enjoying a quiet latte and the car wash.
4. Be Fully Present
- In a world where we are over scheduled and attached to our screens, bring fully present for our kids becomes more challenging but more important. How are we going to understand the inner workings of their world unless we take it upon ourselves to be present for them? Without presence, how can we ensure that we are curious, interested and fully engaged in their lives? We know that presence and connection are vital for the wellbeing of our children and research continues to underscore the importance of our presence in their healthy development.
Dan Siegel and Tanya Bryson’ s new book: The Power of Showing Up
draws on the field of attachment research and reveals that parental presence -how a parent is open to and focused on the inner life of the child - is the best predictor of how emotionally and socially resilient a child will be as they develop into young adults. They describe how this parent-child relationship helps foster a secure attachment by providing the four S’s of being seen, soothed, and safe to cultivate security.
All the research shows that children who feel securely attached are more likely to develop this resilience that is vital to our children’s health, happiness and success. It is empowering to know that showing up for our kids has such an impact.
If we are rushing from pillar to post at the weekend when we have the greatest chance of being together, we are missing an opportunity to be present.
When we say present, we mean fully present and showing curiosity about what makes them tick. It is worth remembering that there is no such thing as multitasking. Scientists have demonstrated that our brains cannot do two things simultaneously, rather it switches from one task to the next. This switches takes time, energy and comes at the cost of our focus. Saying that we are fully focused and present on the conversation that we are having with our son whilst we are checking our text is an impossibility!
Fully present means slowing down, fully engaging and treasuring the moment. We build the connection with our kids and deepen the relationship when we send the message that there is nothing else I would rather be doing than spending time with you.
5. This is not about perfection. There is no such thing as a perfect weekend, a perfect parent or perfect kids. It is about good enough, being ourselves and remembering that we are all human. Our kids don’t want perfection, they want us.
Planning ahead, being realistic and keeping the expectations in check, putting memory making and the joy of the moment at the forefront and being present for your kids are all a great start. There will however be low parenting moments, when things don’t go to plan, when we lose it with our kids or perhaps when something else we just must do gets in the way. We can be honest.
“I am just exhausted. I am sorry that I have not been fully there for you this weekend. I am going to get home early on Tuesday” ‘Wow I did not mean to shout at you. I let my worries get the better of me and I am sorry.” “I can see that you are upset. I should have set out exactly what we needed to get done so that you could manage your computer time. Let’s make sure that we talk through our plans for next weekend during the week.” When we show our vulnerability, we are teaching our kids that it is ok to make mistakes and that we can problem solve, repair and move on. We are, after all, doing the best we can with what we’re working with in the moment.
Finally, when we are clear on our goals, when we are realistic and proactively seek joy in the moment with presence, we are much more likely to end the weekend feeling reconnected, recharged and happier.