How to Help Your Kids Develop Good Screen Time Habits

Do you, like me, feel excited about holidays or extended time with your family but also feel worried and anxious about how you're going manage your kids' screens?  

Whether it's gaming, endless hours on Netflix, a Tik Tok obsession or heads down and thumbs whirling on social media, there is plenty to get emotional about.    

The question for so many parents is “what is a healthy digital diet for our kids?”  The confusion and concern isn't surprising as we continue to hear about digital addiction and a decline in teen mental health believed to be linked in part to screen use. There are as well our own feelings and instincts about what feels right and the fear of the inevitable battles and disagreements that will be needed to enforce any rules.  Where to begin? 

The starting point, we suggest, is for us to appreciate and acknowledge that there is little delineation between the digital world and our kids'  lives. This is their world and our job is to be curious, supportive and most importantly to have a relationship with our kids so that we are able to influence the development of good digital habits and digital resilience. 

While evidence suggests there is no need to panic, it is important to be proactive with our children’s digital diet - it's our job to help them establish good habits.  I like to remind myself that the tech giants’ aim is to make the online environment as compelling as possible. If we find it hard to resist the pings and notifications emanating from our devices,  the ads that pop up everywhere in response to our on line activity or the 'next episode' tab on Netflix (and I know I do) , imagine just how challenging it is for our children to resist the draw and distraction of their screens.  As kids’ brains don’t fully develop until they are in their mid 20’s, we need to provide the boundaries and reason that will keep them healthy and happy on line.

A recent report from the LSE concluded that ‘supportive and enabling parenting has a more positive impact on digital resilience than strategies to restrict or monitor internet use”. That said, for younger children, parental controls are a good and necessary tool. 

The key is balance and boundaries.  We need boundaries but want to remember that just imposing rules without a relationship can lead to rebellion. It's vital that we connect with our children and show that we 'get' the role that devices and all things digital play in their lives.   Investing time in understanding and avoiding being dismissive of the things they love whether it's TikTok, the latest video game (perhaps Among Us) , or the latest series on Netflix,  will reap benefits.  We don't need to agree, we just need to understand.  Coming from a place of understanding, both of the attraction of but also the challenges they face on line and why it’s hard sometimes to stop in a non-judgemental and supportive way, will help us with the more difficult conversations.  When they feel we understand, they're more likely to be open to our guidance, more likely to cooperate with limits and boundaries and more likely to eventually take on our values including having balance in our lives. 

These are 5 top tips for taking a practical, positive approach to parenting around screens:

1. Agree guidelines upfront – Hold a family meeting (make it fun) and involve your children in the decision-making process. Asking for their ideas and their input and discussing their feelings shows respect.  This is also great modelling.  I suggest starting with things that everyone should do everyday - it is not then all about the screen time limits but instead what is included for a healthy life - such as exercise, fresh air, good eating, helping in the house, family time and downtime.  Setting screen time limits as just one thing that we do for a balanced healthy life is reasonable, reflects family values and teaches good habits. 

Involve the kids as they may not always relish the limits but they are more likely to buy in and cooperate if they know we are listening to their voice.  We are always surprised how sensible and constructive kids can be during these discussions. So often we impose rules (with our controlling hat on) rather that discussing their objective and their merits such as good sleep hygiene.  Engaging their rational thinking brains tends to lead to greater responsibility and feeling of accountability. Each family will have their own approach but here are a few examples of things you may wish to consider:

How many hours of screen time a day for each child?  As said, work screens around the other things they are doing – family time, revision, exercise, sleep.  Balance and self- awareness are key skills for our children to learn around screens.  I find it's important to talk through the things that need to get done before screens ( homework, family jobs, exercise etc). Setting the scene for screens as a 'when I've done this, then I can do that' is a healthy habit and a practice of delayed gratification.  For more information on recommended screen usage see: https://www.theparentingpartnership.com/navigating-the-net

What are they doing on their devices ? This is a good time to check in and discuss the games they are playing, the films and sites they are accessing.  Get informed, show interest, play their games and agree what is appropriate.

No Phone Zones:  The consistent recommendation on healthy digital usage is for phone free meals and phone free bedrooms and this is another area and that is vital for us to model for our kids.  The research continues to underscore the importance of family mealtime for healthy kids, both in mind and body, and no one is fully present when they are checking their phones.  Good sleep habits include two hours of screen free time before sleep (for more on the importance of good sleep hygiene read Matthew Walker's book Why We Sleep). I also like the idea of phones only for group music or podcasts in the car (without headphones) and only for photos on family walks outings.

2. Take time and show an interest in their on-line world - How much more connected do we feel to someone when they take a genuine interest in what we are doing? It's our job to get familiar with what our children do on line. What do they love about their on-line life? – chatting to friends on Snapchat, making funny Tik Tok videos, what is it about the latest game that they love so much?   Whether you have one week with your kids, a few days or indeed several months, we can seize the opportunity of time at home together to listen hard, talk and show our interest. They are much more likely to open and share with a non-judgemental, interested parent who shows that they respect the things they love about the digital world.

3. Be an Emotion Coach - We may not always like what they like and we may not always like their behaviour around screens but we can show them that we are listening and understand. As Stephen Covey says in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Habit 5 is Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood . It might sound like this: 

“You look sad that Emily wanted to make that TikTok with Pippa rather than with you.  That must be hard. You probably feel a bit left out.” 

“I so get it that you would rather stay here and finish another level on that game. I know that family walks are not always your favourite thing. What do you call them - forced marches? We really appreciate that you are coming with us.” 

" You find our rule about the phone being put on charge in the kitchen at night really hard. I bet you think you might be missing out on something. Sleep does not seem so appealing." 

We don’t always agree with the behaviour and sometimes it's not ok and we need to set a limit but we always seek to understand the underlying feeling.  We want to send the message to our kids that their emotions are always accepted.   Our kids don't like losing control and getting angry and it only adds to their tough feelings and exacerbates things if we react and lose it too.  Hard as it is in the moment, if we can think about how they are feeling, name the emotion and stay calm we are more likely to help them solve the problem and develop the self-discipline they need around screens. 

4. Acknowledge the things they do right - Noticing and mentioning all their good choices with descriptive praise builds their motivation to cooperate. Think about your attitude towards screens and how you talk to your children – try to focus on the positive as when we only point out the negative it's guaranteed that they will stop listening. 

“You waited until after you’d finished your revision to check your Instagram.  You understand that you need to concentrate and that it's hard with your phone in the room."

“You remembered the rule about putting the phone on charge in the kitchen at night and I didn't even have to remind you. Thank you.” 

"I know it's tough for you not to get drawn in for another game. You showed good will power deciding you needed to stop and letting your friends know this would be your last game."

We are all conditioned to point out all the things our kids get wrong or at least not quite right.  It takes self-discipline and will power to refocus instead on showering our kids with positive attention and acknowledgement. The idea here is that if our kids hear us acknowledging their good choices, good decisions, good actions and behaviour, they in turn think of themselves as embodying the qualities we are looking for and pointing out such as independence, kindness, self control, able to make the tough decisions and resilience.  They are much more likely to cooperate and do the right thing when they feel we are on their side and we help them develop a strong sense of self with good self-esteem. 

5. Set up for success to fill non-screen time. Rather than leaving things to chance or being unprepared come up together with things you all can be doing instead of screens in those “I’m bored” moments. Put up the family list that you have created together in a visible place and get things ready – the packs of cards on the sideboard, the board games on the coffee table. 

 The ideas are only limited by your collective imaginations:

·Family walks 

·Movie night with popcorn

·Building a den inside with the table cloth

-Baking a cake

·A family book club

·Games: ball sports, hide and seek, treasure hunt

·Board games – perhaps the one you have not played for years or put out a puzzle even teens love a puzzle.

In the same way that we don’t allow our children unfettered access to chocolate, biscuits and the sweetie jar, we can get prepared to ensure our children enjoy a healthy digital diet. A collaborative supportive approach which puts screen time as part of a healthy balanced lifestyle sets our kids up,  and indeed the family too, to build healthy digital resilience.