Navigating the Net

Are you among the plethora of parents who fear you’re becoming paranoid about pornography, social media, gambling, grooming, cyberbullying, online dating, gaming, anxiety, addiction and how digital is potentially detrimental to our children’s development? Or perhaps you take a more sanguine approach; happy your kids are digitally connected and at least when they’re on line they’re safe at home, right?

Either way, you’re doing your best to bring up your child safely and securely. But have you stopped to think about the long-term effects of allowing your child too much access to the net, or for that matter, not enough?

Not a week goes by when the latest research on effects of the internet on our privacy, health and wellbeing isn’t in the headlines. Only this week it was announced in the Sunday Times that Google is targeting children with its voice recognition software in the hope of ‘establishing trust with a device that can learn who they are, how they spend their days and their interests’.

As we seek to navigate our way safely around what is still very much a brave new world, our job as parents is to raise our children to be mentally and physically robust and good digital citizens – but how, when the internet is unashamedly designed to be as compelling as possible and is accessible everywhere all of the time, do we manage to keep tabs on it all?

Connect not Control

The answer lies less in control and more in our ability to connect with our children, to maintain a trusting, open dialogue, be informed and set boundaries. Here, we take a top line look at today’s digital landscape and provide practical tips on what you can do to equip your children and help them to navigate the net - safely.

Media – we give to receive

Rather than thinking of the internet as a ‘thing’ to be managed mutually exclusively consider it an extension of every form of media with which you’re already familiar. The difference nowadays is we not only consume content, we provide it too. And the provision of that content is used by the tech giants for commercial gain. It is integral to every aspect of our lives. We are now part of the media story consciously compelled by the addictive nature of likes and swipes to become more so.

While there is no denying the internet has brought great benefits – greater access to more information than ever before, bringing people together, research, new skills, education, entertainment and so on – this all comes at a price. As John Carr, a UK government advisor on internet safety, said in respect of Facebook’s access to and ownership of our personal data, “[Sic] If you are not paying for a service then you are the product.” My own little trip around the net has given me access to amazing research papers and articles on this very subject I would have once had to spend days if not weeks researching. But rest assured Google has captured all my searches. Thought provoking stuff!

It was recently reported that Children’s Commissioner, Ann Longfield, is to publish a plain English version of Facebook’s terms and conditions which she says already has today’s teenagers “astounded by what is in there”. She is referring, of course, among other things to Facebook’s right to access and use your information and content in anyway it sees fit without your permission or without paying for it; to mine your data for commercial gain and so on. My bet is there will be a few adults too who are a tad surprised by what the translation reveals. A good thing too because it’s important we are savvy and well-equipped to teach our children to be so; our children who, unwittingly, already have a digital footprint and are increasingly impressionable and so vulnerable to the manipulative ways of the technologists.

Cited in a recent article in The Guardian , Justin Rosenstein the original architect of the ‘Like’ button, is most concerned about “the psychological effects on people who, research shows, touch, swipe or tap their phone a staggering 2,617 times per day”. But none of this is merely a chance happening. Earlier this year, according to the same article, designers, programmers and tech entrepreneurs attended a conference to learn how to manipulate people into the habitual use of their products.

A recent report by the Office for National Statistics found that while social media may provide a way to connect with others and form relationships and in-so-doing increase children’s mental health ( Best, Manktelow, & Taylor, 2014 ), it can also be a source of cyberbullying and isolation, resulting in a reduction in mental health. The Telegraph recently reported that, screen time – including watching television, spending time on the computer, smartphones and playing video games has been associated with higher levels of emotional distress, anxiety and depression, particularly in children spending over four hours a day on screens.

While the minimum age to sign up for Facebook is 13, Ofcom says half of all 12 year olds have a profile on Facebook. This is not surprising given a recent investigation by The NSPCC which shows most parents don’t know if their child is old enough to be using social networks with one in five not aware there are any age restrictions.

Digitally naïve and vulnerable children and teens can fall victim to online cyber bullying and grooming; with extreme catastrophic outcomes ranging from self-harming to suicide, sexual assault to murder many of which have been widely reported.

According to a Middlesex University study approximately 53% of 11-16 year olds have seen explicit material online, 94% of whom had seen it by the age of 14! New research from security technology company Bitdefender has reported children under the age of 10 now account for 22% of online porn consumption under the age of 18. The NSPCC ChildLine recently released a report that found a tenth of 12 to 13 year olds fear they may actually be addicted to pornography.

Our children and teens are not yet wise to advertisers’ wily ways; the way they mine information and manipulate messaging to influence them to buy products and services. But it’s not just advertisers; it’s the creators of these advertising platforms that have consciously developed habit forming technologies that compels people to become hard-wired to use them.

Increasingly, social media accounts are searched by future employers; children and teens need to be aware of their digital footprint and how what they post and how everything they do on line is a permanent record.

The ‘price’ to which John Carr refers can be counted in terms of its effect on health and development. These are known to include:

·Screen use in the evening inhibits melatonin (sleep hormone) production depriving children’s brains and bodies of vital sleep;

·The highly stimulating nature of some online experiences such as receiving a text, likes to a social media post, winning an online game or pornography stimulates habit-forming dopamine spikes

·Anxiety experienced through FOMO (fear of missing out – or being left out), Frenemies, unwanted attention, feelings of inadequacy can lead to increased production of stress hormone, Cortisol which, can adversely affect not just neurological but also physical development

·Concerns have been raised about the effect these stressors are having on children’s mental health given the rise in issues ranging from depression to anxiety, anorexia and bulimia to self-harm and suicide.

·There is a growing concern that in addition to addictions, technology is contributing to something called “continuous partial attention” which limits people’s ability to focus and may even lower IQ. The presence of a smart phone, even if turned off, is distracting research has shown. We know now that there is no such thing as multi-tasking; once distracted by the ping of a message it takes someone 15 minutes to be able to properly refocus on the task on which they were working.

So, what do we want and what can we do?

We need to “begin with the end in mind” as child psychologist and author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, Stephen Covey reminds us. We need to get clear on our values.

We would like our children to be able to manage their digital activity, become digitally resilient and grow up to be good digital citizens.

A study by the Oxford Internet group and Parent Zone in 2014 looked at 2000 14 to 17 year olds and found that those who were able to self-regulate their internet and social media use were better able to cope when they encountered potentially harmful or inappropriate content online. Supportive and enabling parenting was the most crucial factor in encouraging children to be resilient and regulate their internet use. link

1. Get your digital dinosaur head out of the sand – Get informed

We are often perceived as digital dinosaurs and our children are the digital natives. Although our children intuitively tune into it, they approach the online world with a child’s naivety. Not only have they limited life experience, their brains are not yet sufficiently well developed to process what they come across online and control their behaviour appropriately. Anxiety, addiction, delayed development, depression and obesity are just some of the problems facing our children and teens exposed to the wrong type of internet interaction – certainly where access is unfettered. This is why we must step in. We need to teach them skills such as delayed gratification, self-regulation and self-censorship and help them develop a resilience to enable them to cope with the online roller-coaster experiences that lie ahead of them.

It’s no good being a luddite and sticking your head in the sand. It is our job as parents to really understand the digital landscape so we can help our children and better understand what they are facing. Get informed – start by visiting www.netaware.org.uk a no nonsense guide from NSPCC and O2 to help parents understand the net.

2. Filter software is only a part of the solution

Building a child’s digital resilience is more likely to keep them safe long term than filtering or restricting access. However, robust parental controls are a key part of the solution to keeping, particularly younger, children safe on line.

A study by Bitdefender (a provider of internet security solutions) of 1570 parents across five countries focussing on children’s internet usage habits (and their own habits) particularly related to sexually explicit materials found that, while 97% of parents used parental control software to block access to adult websites, 12% succeeded in getting around the software.

3. Walk alongside don’t confront

It’s no good demonising something that our kids have already grown very used to and are pretty fond of. Their online and offline worlds are intrinsically linked. So, we need to teach dealing with the online world in the same way as we would any new life skill and integrate it into our children’s lives in a balanced, healthy way.

As your children grow and become more independent you can’t be there to protect them all of the time. Just as you would teach them skills to keep them safe in the real world - look left and right when crossing the road, don’t talk to strangers, don’t go alone, take a friend, be home before dark etc. – you need to train them in safe and responsible behaviour in their online lives.

4. Build your children’s self esteem

Children who have a strong sense of self-esteem are less likely to engage in risky behaviour, be bullied, bully or be subject to peer pressure. Instead they are comfortable in their own skin, are willing to try new things within safe parameters and have a range of interests. They are more likely to have a strong capacity for empathy. We can help to foster a greater sense of self-esteem in our children through the use of descriptive praise. This is the process of praising our children in a detailed, truthful and purposeful way. Rather than just offer up throw-away comments like, “well done”, “good girl”, “clever you” point out in detail the things your children do right. That might instead sound like “I like the way you take control of your screen time by setting an alarm – it shows me you can take responsibility for yourself and understand the importance of staying healthy”. Here we not only pointed out what they did right but also the motivation and personal qualities they showed. If they feel successful and are noticed for it, they will offer up more of that behaviour and increasingly feel more successful which builds self-esteem. This helps them to trust their own feelings.

5. Recognise Mood Changes and Empathise

Simply spending too much time on a screen is said to influence mood and behaviour as well as attention span but mood changes could also be due to what your children are actually experiencing on line; bullying, FOMO, unwanted attention/grooming, pornography etc. If you spot changes in mood or behaviour, take action. Rather than criticise, interrogate or judge, enquire, listen and emotion coach. Be curious as to why your child may be withdrawn or not going to see her friends on the weekend. Rather than fishing, point to how they may be feeling, try to name the emotion – frightened, frustrated etc. Just gently say something like “I’m wondering if you are feeling unhappy/anxious being left out of that `Snap Chat group?” By helping your children feel understood and helping them to understand their own responses, you are supporting them to become more resilient.

6. Set Limits and Boundaries

Parental controls are an effective way of helping to prevent your children from stumbling across or accessing unsuitable content on line. This works well while your children are young and principally in your care. But it is not failsafe and your children will have the opportunity to access the online environment at friends’ houses, particularly if they have older siblings and, as the Bitdefender survey suggests, many can get around them. So, the sooner you can start to build their digital resilience the better.

Set boundaries with your children

A YouGov survey found that over half of British children have unsupervised access to the internet in their bedrooms.

We suggest that bedrooms should be a place for relaxing, sleeping, reading and not for electronic devices. But if it works for your family for the children to study and relax with their screens in their rooms then it is even more important to develop their online compass.

Don’t make safety the only thing you talk about when discussing the internet with your children. Take an interest in what they are doing on line, who they follow, what games they like to play, what they’ve found out recently and chat about it regularly as you do other areas of their life and make safety just one aspect of these discussions.

Hold a family meeting to discuss internet use and involve the children in setting ‘age and stage’ appropriate boundaries. This is an opportunity to be open and clear with them as to why boundaries need to be set. By involving them in setting rules they are more likely to buy into, remember and stick to them. Writing them down helps and it means you don’t have to nag – just point to the rules! Things to consider:

·The sites they may visit – look at them together and talk about the good and bad aspects; remain positive but don’t be afraid to mention when something doesn’t sit comfortably with you.

·The amount of time spent on line

·The devices they have access to

·Your access to their games and social media

7. Communicate and educate

Educate your children to understand how the internet works, how their posts can put them in an unsafe position (inviting unwanted attention from strangers or cyber-bullying for example) and can harm their future prospects as they are there forever.

Encourage them to think about what they post:

·If they wouldn’t say or do it in a normal social situation then it’s not okay to do it online

·Teach them what constitutes personal information: postcodes, dates of birth, schools, ages etc.

·Teach them what an appropriate image is and is not

8. In Conclusion, Get Connected

If the creator of the “Like” which Rosenstein himself describes as ‘bright dings of pseudo pleasure’ and other young technologists are weaning themselves off that which they, themselves, have created and sending their children to schools where digital devices are banned it’s time to sit up and listen.

While the internet has opened up the world us and brought us together and given us access to information in a way we could only have imagined as recently as 20 years ago, it has come with a host of additional challenges which we must manage.

As parents, it’s time to wake up, get connected to the net, learn more about it, develop and maintain a deep, close connection with our kids through positive communication and purposeful parenting. By doing so and not being afraid to set boundaries and educate them, we stand a better chance of getting our children through their childhoods and teen years with hopefully well-developed neural pathways and a healthy attitude to technology.