Three steps to help your family thrive this year

I like turning the page and idea of starting afresh but for others it feels less comfortable.  Some of us tread carefully coming off a tough year or by our nature, others launch in with blatant enthusiasm.  Either way is ok and for all of us it's 

healthy as part of the process to reflect on last year even briefly, and what we learned.   Ask yourself what went well in your parenting and what areas could use a boost? 

I'm reminded every year that with any resolution, even those that are as worthy as being a better parent, the odds are stacked against success.   We all find change a struggle because it takes time and consistent effort – easier to begin but harder to maintain especially when emotions get involved.  We know that habits don’t get changed overnight, in fact studies show that it takes more than two months before a new behaviour becomes automatic.  We need clear intentions and we need a plan.  Saying  ”I'm going to be a better parent this year,"  is a fabulous sentiment, but it doesn’t give us much detailed information about where to put in time and effort; there's no plan. 

As you look forward, help is at hand. 

Here are three intentions;  specific things that you can do that will have maximum impact on your family this year.  

These are reasonable and achievable ideas that can, with determination,  become a consistent part of your day to help you toward the goal of helping your family to thrive - calmly, patiently and with intention. 

1.    Special time - Children spell LOVE as T-I-M-E.  Set aside just 10 minutes with each child every day for greater connection, a more positive relationship and improved behaviour.  Whether they are 3, 11 or 16, commit to making one on one time a family ritual.  You will need to put in some worthwhile time and effort to make it happen.  You may be thinking that you've spent enough time with your child this week or even this year but this is child-led time doing what they would like to do (kicking a football, baking, painting nails, reading or just talking). You need to be fully present,  fully focused and engaged so turn off the phone, close the laptop and set the other children up so that you can have time with just one at a time.   

Dr Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson's book The Power of Showing Up  is all about the power of presence for our kids.  The simple act of consistently and purposely 'showing up' and being present in their lives positively impacts who are kids become and how their brains get wired.  It's important for our kids to know that they can count on us again and again to show up with our full attention, building trust and a feeling of security in order to thrive.  Special time puts our intentions into action. 

2.    Be curious – What if we replaced the immediate need to fix things, to exert our control, to be right, judge or even punish with a little curiosity?  We know that all behaviour has a cause and the first step in helping our children to learn to manage their behaviour effectively (and acceptably) is to get inside their heads and look for the emotions that might be driving their behaviour.  It's vital to seek first to understand before trying to be understood.   

When faced with challenging or puzzling behaviour or when you feel triggered, hit the pause button, take a deep breath and instead of reacting to your kids , ask yourself a question: Why is she having trouble starting her homework? Perhaps she's worried that she might get it wrong. Why does she not want to go to school? Perhaps she gets anxious about whether she will be included in the playground.   Why did he snap at me just then? It might just be that he's exhausted and feeling overwhelmed.  Why won’t he tidy up?   I bet he doesn't enjoy it!   We may not immediately know the answer but being curious first helps us to put an empathetic spotlight on our kids rather than being quick to judge or reacting to them when consumed by our own emotion and agenda.

3.   Focus on all the things they get right - We get more of what we pay attention to.  Seeing more of what we're searching or looking for is in fact our internal filter the reticular activating system at work. ( For more on the workings of this amazing filter in our brain read here).  You know the notion of whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right?!   When we focus on all the things our kids get right (ignoring the poor behaviour as much as we can) we notice more and more of these behaviours and actions.  

'You came to set the table the first time I asked.  I really appreciate your help."  

'You put your phone down and looked at me when I asked you. That shows me you're listening." 

As our kids enjoy our positive attention, we'll get more of the positive behaviour we want to encourage.  Although it may sound uncomfortable at first, you'll find your own voice and way of speaking that sounds like you and it's much better than nagging!  Our positive focus gives kids of any age a feeling that they are children who get things right and this boosts their sense of self worth.   What we say eventually becomes their own soundtrack ' I am independent. I am resilient. I try hard. I am kind."

Noticing and mentioning these things (even when we have to look very hard) builds a strong and positive relationship, teaches our children about the behaviour we're looking for and builds their self-esteem.   We call this Descriptive Praise and this intentional specific attention helps children to learn and remember what they need to do to get a positive response.