Would you like to make gratitude a family value? Here's how

There has been much recent research on the benefits of being grateful and if there’s one practice that encapsulates the role that neuroscience can play in improving our family lives, it may well be gratitude! The research is clear that the benefits are far reaching and profound and happily they can be quickly felt. Just weeks after refocusing on gratitude practices, studies have shown that participants reported improved well-being. 

Being grateful, appreciative and focusing on the positive doesn’t mean that we put on a fake smile. It is always important to be aware and acknowledge all our emotions and those of our kids– envy, frustration, sadness and disappointment – in fact it is critical to emotional and physical well-being. We want however to make a concerted effort to be conscious of our values and long term goals – and it’s with these long-term beliefs and goals in mind that we choose the path we follow.

An important reason to be grateful is its impact on our feeling of self-worth. Research suggests gratitude as a trait, may have positive effects on well-being partially via its ability to increase self-esteem. When a person feels grateful they often view themselves as benefiting from another person’s generosity, leading them to feel valued. This increases self-esteem, which in turn leads to higher levels of well-being. 

First a quick look at some of the science and how thinking about gratitude can affect our brains in the short term but more importantly how a permanent rewiring takes place that can help us all take on values that then become subconscious habits. 

The Search Engine. The Reticular Activating System (RAS) is a marvel. It’s a bundle of neurons located just above where the spinal cord is attached to the brain. It acts as the gatekeeper of information between most sensory systems and the conscious mind. Our sensory systems would be overloaded with information were it not for this small effective piece of our brain which acts a bit like a nightclub bouncer for our conscious mind. It’s important for its influential in helping us achieve our goals as well as regulating attention and motivation. 

 Vital important information jumps straight to the front of the queue, for example when someone calls your name, your child needs you or when you feel threatened. But for all the other information that isn’t as critical, we set the agenda for this attention filter or bouncer. Sometimes this is conscious, but other times it's not. What we are interested in in the moment, as well as our deeper belief systems, have a lot of control over what information is let through. If our goal is to be grateful, and it’s an important value for us, then our RAS will be constantly looking for opportunities for us to achieve our goal – gratitude. The more we look for reasons to be grateful, the more we’ll notice; noticing the opportunities to be grateful is the first step in reaping the benefits that being thankful bestow. 

Gratitude and rewiring the brain. There is a wealth of research around gratitude and its impact on our brains. Studies have shown that when we express gratitude and receive thanks, the brain releases a surge of dopamine and serotonin - the feel-good chemicals. These neurotransmitters help to enhance our mood, will power and intrinsic motivation and make us feel happier. It’s no wonder then that feeling grateful improves our general well-being and outlook on life with all its benefits for us and our families. 

It doesn’t stop there. Thanks to a theory called “Hebb’s Law’’ and the notion that ‘neurons that fire together wire together’ – the more we learn to do of something, the more habitual it becomes. The practice of gratitude can become a habit – hard wired into our brains. As I live in the country I like to think of this in simple terms as sheep tracks – the more we retrace the steps, consciously looking for opportunities to be grateful, the deeper and more permanent these neural pathways become. We more we practice, the sooner it becomes a habit, a subconscious reflex (just like the practice that embeds your tennis swing) and as we take on a value, we make it our own. 

The exciting part is that we know that relatively straightforward steps in the practice of gratitude show huge benefits for us and for our families: 

1. Write it down – Spending just a few minutes every evening noting down three things that you are grateful for, makes a profound impact on our wellbeing and the research underscores the science behind the benefits that gratitude journaling can bring for any age and at any stage. We don’t need to think too deeply or spend too long, the things can be tiny or momentous, have happened just now or they could be drawn from memories. They can be people we are thankful for, kind acts, our personal achievements or situations that we have learned from. 

Writing things down demands our conscious attention and the written word holds an importance and a permanence. This year has been a time when many of us have benefitted from gaining perspective and reprioritising and a focus on the things for which we are grateful is an effective tool. If there are challenges or struggles we can puposefully look for what we can be grateful that we have learned. This may require some reframing which is an important exercise in and of itself. 

2. Notice the small things - Gratitude comes in many guises. The small things and small wins for which we are grateful deserve our attention. The more that we can find appreciation in the seemingly small insignificant parts of our lives the more benefit it gives us. Robert Emmons, a leading scientific expert on gratitude, explains that as emotions wear off quickly, our emotional system likes novelty and change. Gratitude has the effect of making us appreciate the value of something, and when we appreciate the value of something, we extract more benefits from it; we’re less likely to take it for granted. Robert Emmons also points out that gratitude goes against our need to feel in control of our environment. Sometimes with gratitude you just must accept life as it is and be grateful for what you have. 

What small things can we be grateful for? Putting a smile on someone’s face, that cup of hot coffee, your partner’s hand on your shoulder after a tough day, tiny details of nature that you had never appreciated as you watched the seasons change during lock down, an undisturbed bath or getting your kids in the car without a struggle. 

3. Walk the gratitude talk. We say that as much as 80% of parenting is modelling. When we walk the talk, our children pick up and learn and eventually our values become their habits and values too. We talked about how consciousness, practice and repetition help turns things we do into habits. Children watch our behaviour, they learn and take on board our values and in the end, they become their own whether it is hope, integrity, humility or gratitude. Every time you turn and say thank you before you leave a shop, your kids are watching and over time you will notice them copying.  Ultimately they will do it on their own. Telling them honestly and directly how grateful you are: “I so am grateful to have you here with me' is also great modelling.