Blog Post
Helping your spirited child to thrive - without the power struggles
Heather Rutherford • Nov 16, 2020
Some children come out fighting and seem to have a will of iron from the day they can utter their first “NO”. For others, this strength of character emerges later only coming into full force during their already turbulent teenage years.
Living with spirited, strong willed kids can be challenging at the best of times but when we are in close quarters or there are fewer ways to let off steam, it can be exhausting and exasperating for everyone. When we are tired, have run out of patience and when we are living with the constant stress of uncertainty, we are much more likely to get triggered by our ‘demanding’ kids.
When we feel our buttons are pushed, we often resort to those tried and tested reactive but ineffective techniques of repeating, punishing and shouting or just giving in and walking away.
When life feels like a constant power struggle, American parenting expert Bonnie Harris suggests that we can choose either to see these children as difficult, obstinate and stubborn or we can view them for their strengths of not shying away from conflict, having integrity and a strong view of what is fair. We call this practice of proactively reinterpreting what we see as ‘reframing’ and it is the first step in turning towards our child with compassion, respect, a deep desire to understand how they interact with the world. Rather than trying to change our children, we can put our energy and focus into helping them manage and make the most of their unique temperament; to help them thrive.
Although we may have to work harder to understand and empathise with these temperaments, the rewards are great. Studies have shown that strong willed children are less susceptible to peer pressure in their teen years than those children who are continuously aiming to please. These kids become persistent, creative, self-motivated, brave young adults with huge integrity.
What can we do day to day to avoid the exhausting power struggles and create harmony at home?
1. Don’t take it personally. Let’s start with a hard one. Our kids are not out to get us. Step back, breathe and remember “she is not BEING a problem, she is HAVING a problem” and my job is to help her learn. Remember her developmental stage, her unique temperament and what might be reasonable to expect. Can I expect my persistent, intense child who finds adapting a challenge to find it easy to be flexible and compromise? Probably not. Can I expect my child who does not shy away from conflict, to NOT push back and NOT keep testing me? Hardly likely. Breathe deeply, take perspective and try not to take it personally. One reason that we may see their behaviour as a personal affront is that we don’t know how to respond to it. Read on.
2. Have clear consistent boundaries.
All children need clear limits & boundaries but they are vital for your strong-willed child. You don’t need to overdo it but be clear around things that are important and reflect your family values such as screen time, swearing, being respectful, hitting, helping around the house. Discuss the family values and rules during a calm moment and get their input. Communication and collaboration are key and all kids, but especially these ones, need to know you are respectfully hearing their side. Clear, consistent (rather than rigid) boundaries are empowering and are important in avoiding power struggles: “What is the rule about homework before screen time? I know it is frustrating. Do you want a snack before you get started?” “I know you find that rule about lights out a tough one. What story are you going to choose tonight?” “On the plan, whose turn was it to take out the recycling this week?” Have faith and confidence in their ability to do the right thing.
3. Keep working on the relationship. Challenging behaviour in all kids can be a sign that the relationship needs some work. One important and highly effective way to improve the connection is through prioritizing one on one time with your child. Try to spend time with each child every day, or as often and consistently as possible. This child led time doesn’t have to be long but children need to know you are interested, that they have your full attention, and that you are enjoying yourself! Perhaps listen to their music (whatever it is), play a game, walk the dog together, go and get a coffee or give them a back rub. This is not a time to chastise their behaviour but rather to turn emotionally towards them and connect.
Part of connecting is trying hard to understand. We don’t accept inappropriate behaviours but we need to accept ALL the feelings. We can start by nonjudgmental listening. We are conditioned to jump in to correct, fix and point out the things our children get wrong. We are trying to help after all. Instead, if we listen to how the world feels for our child and acknowledge all the things they get right, we’ll get more of the behaviour we want to see and more cooperation.
One practical idea to improve your mindset, your relationship and your child’s self esteem, is to end every day by acknowledging three things that your child did well or three things you are grateful for. These positive affirmations not only remind ourselves to focus on all the things that they get right but help our child feel appreciated, understood and deeply loved.
4. Ask your children and give choices. We all like to feel in control and this is especially true for your spirited child. As often as you can, offer choices (ones that you are happy with). Let young children choose their clothes. Let them decide where they do their work. Let them help choose the weekly menu or what you do on Sunday. The more you can proactively ask for their ideas and offer choices, the more you are engaging your child’s thinking brain and this includes taking responsibility for solving problems. “We need to work out tech time as it doesn’t seem to be working at the moment. How much time do you think you should have on your screens” "Why don't you all work out who is going to walk Alfie and when this week and how we’ll remember?” “That didn’t go so well this morning. We were all a bit stressed and we were late. How can we make this work better for everyone?”
5. Always connect first. As Dr. Dan Siegel, Clinical Professor of psychiatry and author, says “connect and redirect” to move a child from reactivity to receptivity. To connect first, WE need to be in the right place. When we feel triggered and just can’t help ourselves from resorting back to our old ways, breathe… Count to 3 or even 5 and then connect: “For you to swear like that shows me just how angry you are at having to do your homework. I bet you wish that they didn’t give you any at all. I get that. It is the last thing that you want to do when you get home after a long tiring day. “
When our kids our emotional, they’re in a place where it’s hard to be logical, rational or see the big picture until they ‘feel felt’ – until we connect with their emotional brain. Our job is to help them get back to a calm place where they feel safe with empathy, nurturing and understanding. We still require boundaries be upheld but teaching, which engages the logical rational brain, comes later when we are all calm. When our kids feel heard they are more likely to learn to calm and sooth themselves and move to problem solving. They are much more able to come up with a solution that works for all involved.
Being the parent of a strong willed, spirited child can feel overwhelming and quite a challenge. It may require huge strength. It’s a challenge though that can reap huge rewards. If we reframe their attributes and calmly acknowledge and teach our kids to recognise that they are strong, persistent, with huge integrity, and an ability to take on whatever tricky challenge lies in their path, we will raise wonderful adults.
For more on helping your strong-willed child thrive, get in touch for a FREE introductory session.