A survival guide to living with your new teen

The time has come rather more quickly and with a greater impact than expected - my son, Charlie has hit adolescence. He turned 13 earlier this month and it was if a switch had been flicked – his birthday coincided with the emergence of distinctly new behaviours – where had this sometimes disrespectful, dismissive, disorganised and newly independent boy appeared from?

Nothing could have prepared me for the flood of emotion I experienced: frustration, sense of loss, hurt and apprehension. But thanks to my work with the Parenting Partnership I feel well prepared to positively handle these feelings and most importantly, help Charlie navigate this turbulent, yet exciting, time in his life. In this article, I share with you some of the learning from my recent research and seven skills to help you deal with some of the challenging behaviour we often see in the early teen years.

Teenagers get a bad press because rude and self-centred behaviour is commonplace. If “what are you looking at me like that for” “No mum, you can’t make me” “Dad don’t come in with me – it’s soooo embarrassing!” “Why? You don’t trust me – great!” sounds familiar you may have been pondering what has happened to your adorable and adoring child? You may be asking yourself “Where did I go wrong?” and “What can I do now to sort this out?” “Am I redundant?” The good news is your child has not been abducted and replaced with an alien and far from being a bad or soon-to-be-redundant parent, there is plenty you can do. It is now, despite their push for independence, that they need their parents– not to pack their bags or put them to bed but to give them a solid platform from which they can safely explore the world, to provide a moral frame work, and to be a role model. Our kids need to know they matter, are loved and that someone has their back when they mess up (because they will) – despite their less than desirable behaviour for which there are reasons. More good news – this phase will usually pass!

Don’t take it personally

Adolescence is a journey our children must make. It is about pushing boundaries, seeking independence and finding their tribe away from the family. A time for questioning morals and values, it’s not only coming to terms with their new physicality brought about by puberty but also about building a brain that will take them into adulthood. As Dr Dan Siegel author of ‘Brainstorm – The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain’ says: “these changes are essential in themselves”. When your teenager presents you with challenging behaviour it is the result of all the changes they are experiencing – they literally can’t help it. So, don’t take it personally!

The science behind the behaviour

Let’s try and understand the behaviour by looking at the science. Until relatively recently hormonal changes alone have been blamed. Now we know that during the teen years the brain goes through a significant pruning and remodelling process, losing what it no longer uses and strengthening connections based, at least in part, on environmental factors such as practicing and developing skills. The prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for executive function, self-control, reasoning etc., is not fully developed until the early to mid-twenties in most people. As a result, we may be more liable to make poorer decisions, take greater risks etc. until our brains mature.

Add to these changes a torrent of hormones and chemicals in the brain such as dopamine, which is associated with pleasure and addiction and we have a perfect storm.

Crucially when it comes to behaviour, throughout the teen years the area of the brain largely in control of behaviour is the limbic system, home of the amygdala - the emotion centre. This controls passion and motivation but is also the reason teenagers find relationships with us their parents (and even themselves!) often confusing – leading to a rollercoaster of emotions, sometimes precipitated for example by the misreading of a facial expression or intention– “What did you look at me like that for?” “Don’t have a go at me!”

Due to brain remodelling and these other changes you may notice some of these traits in your teenage boys: forgetfulness, increasingly disorganised, disinterested/monosyllabic responses, insatiable hunger, sometimes-embarrassing physical changes, and every excuse for avoiding chores. Sound familiar? In girls, you may notice an increase in self-consciousness, huge reliance on social media, rapid sexualisation, the vital importance of friendships and heightened stress associated with these areas of her life. But fear not your sons and daughters are still there, if slightly confused and trying to cope with all these changes while at the same time dealing with the pressure of school and all their other activities.

Because of their developing brains our children aren’t always able to handle their changing feelings, which can manifest as over-sensitivity, stroppiness or disrespectful behaviour.

Such behaviour can, though, also be a sign that your teenager is feeling particularly stressed or worried. Stress can exacerbate the process of synaptic pruning in the brain which is believed to lead to mental health issues. If we think about just how much stress our teenagers today can face it is worth remembering to check in with them as to how they’re getting on.

Seven skills

More than ever, it’s important that we become truly aware of who we ourselves are, of our responses and behaviour and how we are communicating as parents. It is said that 80% of parenting is ‘modelling’ and there’s a gender bias to this – girls watch their mothers, boys, their fathers . We need to model the behaviour we want to see our kids develop.

1. Descriptively praise - The more we can do to build our increasingly self-conscious adolescents’ self-esteem, the better. The cornerstone of our work is Descriptive Praise. This is the process of noticing and describing what they get right and noting the quality it shows. “I can’t thank you enough for tidying up your things. You’re really taking responsibility – that’s really considerate – thank you.” You’ll be surprised how palpably this changes the tone in the home and you get more of what you notice.

2. Don’t Judge – Disrespectful behaviour may be a sign of a deeper problem that they are either not brave enough or just don’t yet have the emotional maturity to express clearly. By telling yourself “My child is having a problem, not being a problem” helps you put things in perspective quickly. It is important not to label our children or compare them with others’– “the trouble is you’re so bossy” or “why can’t you just go with the flow like Andrew?” By approaching problems and problem solving in a non-judgemental way our teenagers will feel able to trust us and come to us again when they need support.

3. Respond don’t react - It’s easy to take the eye rolling, shouting and being ignored to heart so it is important to respond rather than react. I call it pressing the pause button and reminding myself that I am the adult and I must be his rational brain as his is still under construction! Otherwise we can find ourselves arguing, taking things personally, nagging, being defensive or giving in too easily – not effective and could be damaging. Instead, by calmly responding in the moment we are modelling constructive handling of conflict while improving our connection with our children.

4. Seek to understand – Your child may feel very strongly about something, a party for example and is angry that you do not want them to go. Lecturing about the fact that there may be alcohol there because the parents will be away will fall on deaf ears. Seek first to understand then to be understood. “ I completely understand you feel you’re going to be missing out on all the fun. It’s our job to keep you safe.”” I would love to know what you might like to do instead? Shall we ask some of the others who aren’t going to come ‘round here?”

5. Emotion Coach - Often when our teenager’s behaviour is at its worst is when they need us to be there the most. In a calm, non-judgemental way, reflectively listen, empathise and help them to understand what they’re feeling. Once they return to a calm space, you can encourage them to come up with solutions or you may need to come back to this later. Avoid interrogating, lecturing or trying to fix the problem. Try a tone along these lines: “ That must’ve been really tough not getting selected for the cricket team – I know how hard you feel you’ve worked and it seems that you are the only one left out.” Empathy is going to help them feel understood and appreciated and in a better position to recognise and manage their emotions.

6. Build a strong connection

One of the greatest ways to combat disrespectful behaviour is to establish a strong connection with your child. The opportunities to connect with your children become fewer as they get older but it is our job to make them happen. It is important to think about and create opportunities when you can check in with them, perhaps a chat in the car, or an activity you can do together where you can talk, regularly eat meals together and so on. Lighten up, use humour (not sarcasm especially not at their expense!) as laughter is a great ice breaker!

7. Establish Boundaries

This time of seeking greater independence is a time when you may wish to re-establish boundaries and rules. For example, perhaps they are allowed a mobile phone now that they have reached the age when they can have their own social media account but you may wish to restrict its use. We say, ‘rules without relationship lead to rebellion’ so in the spirit of the foregoing positive parenting top tips, involve your teenager in setting family rules and consequences for not following them. Consistency is essential.

We’re on their side

Today’s teen-world is very different from the one we experienced - in a large part due to technology and all that brings with it from access to greater knowledge to its effect on social/sexual development and mental health.

So, our aim is to develop non-judgemental empathy and a tone of voice that says, “you’re okay, I’m on your side”. Our children need the love, understanding, consistent structure and guidance of a parent – to be there for support with clear boundaries yet giving them enough room to spread their wings.