You hear me, but you are not listening

Do you sometimes find yourself so busy just getting stuff done that you realise that you haven't had the chance to talk or more importantly listen to your kids? Perhaps your after school is so packed with activities, homework and just getting everyone fed, bathed and to bed that you haven't left the time for your children to download and share what's going on inside? Or perhaps we just get caught up that we forget to notice.

I drove past two groups of parents walking home from school with their young children yesterday. I was struck that the adults had their hands in front of them looking at their phones while the children walked slowly behind them. Now they may have been doing something urgent, I don’t know, but it reminded me that the trip home can be one of these precious moments to reconnect with our kids after a long day at school. Even if our kids don’t feel like talking, we might just give them a chance .

Just as our kids are in a new term and learning new skills, it feels like a great time for us to think about which parenting skills we might like to hone. For me it is going to be real listening.

Being available, being present and listening are all challenging skills that are hard to master. It can be especially hard when we are busy, distracted or if there is something that we desperately want to contribute to the conversation– perhaps advice, a clarification or a riposte. I like to keep in mind the saying that goes 'you hear me, but you are not listening'. It is worth the effort as being a good listener is at the heart of positive parenting and benefits all our relationships. It is not always easy but as in mastering all new skills, practice makes perfect!

On our courses, we take an in depth look at Emotion Coaching where we learn to help our children understand and manage their emotions and listening is key. The concept of Emotion Coaching has been researched and developed by the Gottman Institute and is a technique which helps us build emotional intelligence and self-esteem in our children, whilst deepening the relationship and vitally, enabling us to help our children and teens learn to regulate their emotions. Gottman has demonstrated that emotional intelligence rather than raw IQ is a more accurate predictor of success and an important part is learning to handle delayed gratification and self control.

Part of being an effective emotion coach is embracing the idea that it is through real LISTENING that we learn to understand our kids. When they feel understood, they feel connected, close and unconditionally loved. How, in this busy, ‘always-on’ world, can we be effective, attentive listeners for our children observing and validating their emotions?

· Stop what you are doing and convey with your body language that you are listening. Put down the phone, put it on silent, close the lap top, give them your FULL attention. This does not always mean eye contact, some of our best conversations are in the car or while doing something else together like gardening, cooking or taking the dog for a walk.

· Use empathetic noises to show that you are listening, and this is the hard part, don’t offer an opinion or any suggestions at this stage. I sometimes need to sit on my hands to physically remind myself to be quiet!

· Imagine what your child is feeling – step into their shoes and try to be them . This week my daughter rang me devastated and upset after an important maths exam. She had been caught out by the time, she hadn’t finished the paper as she discovered that the clock in the classroom was fast. Rather than ask why she was not wearing her watch or why it did not seem strange that 20 minutes had completely disappeared (my default reaction), I listened. She told me in great detail exactly what happened and how it was awful and unfair and that she would get a terrible mark. I made empathetic noises and thought about how frustrating, perhaps embarrassing, cross or humiliated she might have felt.

· Reflect it back to them in words – Name it to Tame it.

We want to take the time being present to look for the feeling behind the behavior (the outburst, the hit, the swearing or the quietness and silence) and our contribution should simply be to calmly and simply describe what we see. Poor or unusual behaviour is a clue that something is not right, just the tip of the iceberg and active listening is usually our best chance of getting to the emotion behind the behaviour. Reflective listening sounds like this:

“Wow you sound really cross and frustrated as I know you worked hard and this was an important test. I know you ran out of time but I am wondering whether you are worried that it takes you so long to do the problems.”

Or for a child who is angry and reluctant to go to school, which is not uncommon at the start of school, it might sound like this: “Gosh, I can see you are really cross and don’t want to get dressed. I don’t think you are looking forward to going to school today. I am wondering whether you were expecting school to be a bit more fun. “

Perhaps your child is withdrawn and quiet when you collect them at the end of the day during this new term: “You are walking really slowly and you look a little disheartened. Perhaps school did not go quite as well as you hoped today. Was lunch break tough today too? You probably felt left out and perhaps a little embarrassed. “

It can seem counterintuitive to listen hard, observe and name our children’s emotions as we feel that we are perhaps highlighting the difficult emotion and making things worse. With all emotions, including tough ones such as jealousy, fear, embarrassment, understanding and naming the emotion is the first step in helping our children process and then manage these feelings. Often the hardest thing is to realise that they don’t need us to offer a solution, try to make the problem go away or give them pity but they do need to feel the empathy and understanding that comes from knowing that they have been heard. Not only will behaviour improve when our children learn to regulate emotion, but they are much more likely to come to us when they are troubled and need our help when they feel listened to, accepted and understood, not judged.

I find ‘reflective listening’ tough as my instinct is to jump in, save my children from tough emotions or fill the silence. But just as my children are working through things that are difficult to master this term at school, I am going to put my attention, my effort into practicing real listening.