Naughty or Strong Willed ? 

Why is it so important to avoid labelling our children consciously or subconsciously? Because the picture we paint of our child - she is just SO difficult, naughty or indeed shy, clingy, irresponsible or unsociable - can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. When we consciously reframe how we perceive our children, it has the power to change our interactions and improve and adjust their behaviour. Here are five practical steps to help you ditch the labels and start focusing on all the positives that their unique personalities embody.

Let’s get technical. It’s important that we acknowledge that it is the Reticular Activating System (RAS) at work here. The RAS is an automatic mechanism in your brain that brings relevant pieces of information to your attention – a filter that brings things above the background noise. When we believe that our child is ‘difficult’, our RAS subconsciously brings to our attention all the pieces of data that prove this to be so. We see her tantrums, her snatching, her sad faces all as bytes of information to reinforce this belief.

If however, we ditch the label (whether it is just our internal voice) and reframe our child’s behaviour, in this case as ‘strong willed’ or ‘spirited’, we are in a better place to consciously think about how her behaviour reflects her temperament and look for her strengths. As parenting expert Bonnie Harris says “we can choose either to see our children as difficult, obstinate and stubborn or we can view them for the positives that these temperaments embody for example, not shying away from conflict, having integrity and a strong view of what is fair”. We are much more likely enjoy a positive relationship with our child when we notice the positives, respond appropriately with understanding and compassion. This positive attention motivates our children to repeat the positive behaviour facilitating a positive cycle that they will want to continue!

So, dropping the label, any label, and the inherent presumption about what our child’s behaviour tells us about them and instead getting into their shoes to see what makes them tick builds connection and can their change behaviour. Put simply when we label our children as ‘naughty, shy, clever’ their internal voice mimics what they hear; “Ah I am the naughty one", "I am the shy one” or “I am the clever one”. At a minimum, they are likely to behave in a way that upholds the label and gets attention and then the real concern is when this self-perception damages their feeling of self-worth. Where can you hide if you fail your spelling test and you have been continually told you are ‘clever’? or "I am supposed to be shy. If I really want to give this a try will I get any attention?"

Back to the RAS and these labels; think about when you are looking for a particular model of new car and suddenly everyone seems to be driving one. They were always there but now your brain accepts that this is important information and allows all these relevant data points into your consciousness. Looking for the positives in your child works the same way.

Here are five ways to help us reframe our children’s behaviour and use our consciousness to create a constructively supportive image of our children. Seek out their good traits and behaviour and we will get more of what we are looking for, help change their internal voice and help them build a positive feeling of self-worth:

1. Get a picture of their positive qualities. Invest some time in thinking about what makes your child tick – what is their unique temperament and personality. Try writing down all the positive qualities that their unique temperament embodies. Perhaps they are passionate, intense, have integrity, are persistent or are sensitive.

2. Notice and acknowledge all the things they get right with descriptive praise. Take these qualities and make a point of noticing and mentioning when you see them in action. We are conditioned to correct, fix and point out the things our children get wrong. Instead, if we acknowledge all the things they get right, not only will we notice more positives thanks to our RAS, but we will get more of the behaviour we want to see along with increased cooperation. “wow you never give up.. that is shows such persistence!”

3. Don’t take it personally . They are not out to get you. Step back, breathe and be aware of your emotions - remember as Bonnie Harris says “she is not BEING a problem, she is HAVING a problem” and tell yourself “I am here to help her learn”. For us to consciously reframe, we need to have access to our rational brain. We can’t do that if we are flooded with emotion. Pause and reconsider: “she is showing me that she feels passionately about not having a bath now. She is strong willed and finds the transition difficult. I get that and am here to help.” Remembering her developmental stage, her temperament and what might be reasonable to expect will help you address your emotional reaction.

4. Keep working on the relationship. Any difficult behaviour can be a sign that the relationship needs some work. Spend one-on-one time with each of your children every day. Our children need to know that we get them and understand.. always. We may not accept the behaviour but we need to accept their feelings. We don’t want to control them into MAKING them comply. We can only help them to WANT to co-operate through the acknowledgement and empathy that helps to build a positive relationship .

5. Empathise : We often hear from parents “that is all very well but I can’t find any positives when she is having a meltdown.” Esteemed neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel, advises parents to “connect and redirect” in the face of a melt-down. When we are in an emotionally reactive mode, neither of us can reason so firstly it is important to connect. As the parent, it is our job to take the lead by acknowledging our child’s feelings and showing empathy: “ For you to swear like that shows me just how angry you are at having to do your homework. I bet you wish that they didn’t give you any at all. I get that. It is the last thing that you want to do when you get home after a long, tiring and overwhelming day. ” When you show you have understood and they feel heard, you are both in a better frame of mind to come up with a solution that works for you both. This technique sets you both back on positive footing.

Reframing the image of our children in our mind’s eye to something more positive and constructive allows our conscious and subconscious to work together. When we strip off the negative label and notice all the things they get right we are being proactive about how see our kids. We find ourselves noticing the behaviour that reinforces the constructive image and and this in turn affects how we interact. In moments of high emotion, for both of you, calmly responding and connecting with your child rather than allowing your reactions to take over will give you a better chance of putting yourself in a position from which you can re-establish your relationship and together develop solutions. When we look for the positives, we find that there are more than we think!!