Empathy wins hands down

We talk at length in our classes about how to be the parent that your kids want to talk to. For kids to turn to us with any problem big or small, our connection and relationship need to be strong. One important skill to strengthen that bond is to learn to be available to listen and respond with empathy.

When our kids have big emotions it often provokes a response in us to be dismissive, show pity, or just try and fix the problem to make it go away. Although well meaning, as none of us like to see our children suffer, none of these strategies help our child feel heard and understood. Research shows that showing empathy elicits a physical response, slowing the heart rate, helping the child to calm down and supports emotional regulation. An empathetic response may be all that your child needs to move on and if not they will be in a better place to problem solve when they are feeling heard, understood and safe.

Our words and body language teach our children that emotions, even big ones are a natural part of life. It may feel scary but it is ok to be angry, frustrated, jealous, unmotivated or sad. We want our children to learn that all emotions are acceptable but not necessarily all behaviour. Learning to recognise and manage emotions is a vital skill for all-round mental well-being. Empathy is often described as putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and I like to think that our kids can feel our feet in there nestled next to theirs and it feels comforting, it feels good and they feel safe.

I love the words of Haim Ginott author of Between Parent and Child who revolutionised parent - child communication: “The first step in the long-term program is a determination to become interested in what children are thinking and feeling, and respond not just to their behavior, their outward compliance or rebellion, but to the feelings that trigger that behavior. How can we become aware of what children think and feel? Children give us clues. Their feelings come through in word and in tone, in gesture and in posture. All we need is an ear to listen, an eye to behold, and a heart to feel. Our inner motto is: Let me understand. Let me show that I understand. Let me show in words that do not criticize or condemn. "

Empathy sounds like this – “Wow you look so angry. I can see something must have upset you.” “Look at those tears. I so understand that it can be scary to get on the bus when you are not sure who you will sit with. I used to feel that way.” ‘I get it that you think you might miss out on some vital chat if you don’t have your phone in your room at night. That is a tough rule for you I know.” “For you to talk to me like that makes me think something went on at school today.” Sometimes we need to pause and formulate the words that are going to hit the right note but it is such a worthwhile investment.

Join us on one of our courses or workshops and discover skills and strategies to help you bring out the best in your children.