Five Top Tips to Avoid the Toddler Tantrums
Help! What do I do about these exhausting toddler tantrums ? This is one of our most frequently asked questions so take heart that you are not alone! Here are five steps to help you nip those emotional outbursts in the bud or avoid them completely and help your child build valuable emotional intelligence.
You will be comforted and relieved to know that toddler tantrums are completely normal for children between the ages of one and four when they are learning how to communicate effectively. Why would they be called the ‘terrible twos’!
Once we realise that the tears of anger and frustration are not premeditated defiance but rather a cry for help, that our toddlers are not ‘being a problem’ but rather ‘having a problem’, we are in a much better place to connect and support them. During the toddler years, children are busy learning about the world around them and gaining independence. This is when they begin trying to get their own needs met while attempting to take some control of their world. They feel such passion but don’t yet have the capacity for self-regulation and this can lead to an emotional overload. One effective way to deal with tantrums is for us to help our children avoid them in the first place – yes really!
5 Steps to avoid toddler tantrums:
1. Make sure your toddler feels full of love and connection. All behaviour is caused by emotion and toddlers, with their nascent communication skills, find it difficult to express their feelings and needs. For example, be aware that they may be tired, hungry and most importantly needing your connection when you pick them up from nursery and before you head off to another activity and take the time to focus on the need to reconnect with you. It is important to spend one on one time every day to help build the relationship and trust and help your toddler manage his emotions. Here are some tips for making One on one time part of your daily routine.
2. Say ‘yes’ more often and offer choices: It may be that our toddler is hearing a lot of ‘NO’s’: ‘don’t touch the baby’, ‘don’t run on the pavement’, ‘no you can’t have another biscuit’. Try and find ways that you can say ‘yes’: ‘You can have a biscuit after you finish your pasta.’ Think about the language you use. ‘Would you like to hold my hand or the pushchair while we cross the road?’ ‘We are going to take Jake to football now. Which book would you like to bring in the car?’
3. Give them responsibility: Even toddlers can do things for themselves and having responsibility boosts self-esteem. They can clear away toys, put their cup in the sink, choose their own clothes. It may take longer, be a bit messier and their clothes might not always match but the feeling of success builds confidence and improves behaviour.
4. Set clear limits and routines: As much as possible have a regular schedule, your little ones know what to expect and this significantly reduces potential power struggles. Laura Markham, author of ‘Peaceful Parent Happy Child’ suggests that “If you work with your child to take photos of the routine and make a chart, she can start taking charge of moving through the routine, so she doesn't resist as much.”
Clear limits and boundaries set with empathy and communicated clearly and followed consistently give children security. They may still push back but, met with empathy, the child will be emotionally able to move on to find another acceptable solution. Acknowledge your child when he follows the rules and gets things right with lots of ‘descriptive praise’. You will get more of the behaviour that you notice, positively.
5. Anticipate and distract: A young child's attention is fleeting and easy to divert. When your toddler’s face starts to crinkle, and redden in that telltale way, open a book or offer to go on a walk to the park before it can escalate into a full-blown tantrum. Sometimes, humor is the best way to distract. Making a funny face, telling a funny joke, just a happy cuddle, or telling them not to smile can head off that tantrum.
The twos need not be terrible and neither do the threes or fours. With some forward planning, being mindful of your child’s emotions and what lies behind their behavior, that it is an expression of their age and stage, noticing and finally and essentially, praising the behaviour of which you would like to see more you can help pre-emept and avoid these passionate outbursts.