How can I help my child with her anxiety about trying new things? 

My child seems to have a real anxiety about trying new things. We were in the park the other day and her friend asked her if she wanted a turn on the new zip wire. Rather than just say no my daughter ran the other way and tried to hide in the car. She was in an awful mood for the rest of the afternoon. I am worried that this will be her approach to life. How can I get him to try new things?”

Many parents worry that their children are too wary and afraid step outside their comfort zones. First let’s ask why there is sometimes reluctance and, in some children, real anxiety about taking risks, trying new things and experiencing the unfamiliar and uncomfortable? When you say it like that it seems quite normal to show some hesitation!

Temperament, experience and our own modelling can all impact children’s feelings about uncertainty and risk. Some children are naturally more inclined to take risks or accept a challenge. My middle daughter who on the outside was shy and reserved was always the first one to jump off the rope swing, leap onto the zip wire or plunge down the water slide. She was also less reticent about trying hard things at school. My younger daughter has a much more risk adverse approach to life. We should also look at our own approach towards and reactions to challenges and risk. Did we perhaps wrap our child in cotton wool? What do we communicate about challenges? Are we focussing on the outcome/attainment rather than on the process or effort and thereby inadvertently contributing to a fear of failure? That reticence to try new things may be due to this fear of failure which comes from a lack of self-belief.

Here are three things that we can do to help our children experience competence and success which in turn builds confidence and self-esteem. Children with a strong sense of self are more likely to accept challenges and the unfamiliarity and uncertainty that they bring.

1. Empower your child by giving her choices. So much of a child’s life is comprised of the need to follow rules and comply. This is indeed part of being at school, being kept safe and learning good habits. The earlier a child learns to make choices, the more practice they have at making decisions and feeling empowered and responsible. This in turn contributes to a ‘can do’ attitude. Letting her choose her clothes, pick her snack, decide who to invite for a play date, help you make the menu for the week etc. etc. gives a child a feeling of control over aspects of her life. You can descriptively praise her for showing independence, making good choices, trying hard or being dependable. Developing a child’s autonomy builds competence and a strong sense of self-worth.

2. Break tasks down: small success breeds success. In his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child John Gottman talks about using ‘scaffolding’ to praise and coach your child. This is a technique that he observed Emotion Coaching families using in his research and is very effective in building the self-confidence and the self believe that children need to move outside their comfort zone and experience the new and uncertain.

When teaching new skills, or trying new things, parents begin in a slow calm manner giving the child just enough information, without bombarding or lecturing to complete the task. This quiet and calm approach sets the positive supportive tone and helps children identify the feeling of competence. The focus is on noticing and descriptively praising all the tiny steps, pointing out the small successes boosting confidence and helping your child move onto the next level when they are ready. “Good you really listened and you are keeping the handle bars straight. I think we are ready to try on the driveway” “You turned the knob at just the right time. I think you can try it on your own next time.” The child feels in control and able which breeds self-esteem and the cycle continues. As we saw in Setting up for Success, success indeed breeds success.

3. Reinforce the connection : Finally being attentive to their feelings, showing respect through giving choices and entertaining their wishes strengthens the parent child bond. With a secure attachment children are more likely to tip toe and then step outside their comfort zone. They are more likely to ‘give it a go” when there is trust, respect and a deep sense of connection.