The road map for motivating Teens
| Tension rises in homes around the country at this time of year. There will be nagging, hovering and plenty of conversations which include the question 'shouldn't you be revising?' What we'd really like to know is why our teens can't get motivated to do what needs to the done? How can we help them do their best (but without constant nagging) and develop a resilience to keep trying when things get tough. How can we support them in adopting an approach that will help them in the upcoming exams AND set them up for a lifetime of learning rather than view these school years as a race (one that often feels like a marathon) across the exam finish line? Is there a way to convey that all this learning is for them and it is not just to please, appease and satisfy us? I have learned over the 38 years that my children have cumulatively been at school that our kids approach learning and exam revision differently depending on their temperament, the way their brains are wired, how they learn and the big one.. their motivation. I've also learned, sometimes the hard way, that rewards, consequences and bribes, this is our second labrador Ernie who is part of our family due to a the bribe I gave my daughter for her GCSE'S, may work in the short term but they're ineffective when it comes to more challenging and long term goals. The motivation to engage needs to be intrinsic and value based rather than extrinsic or external. It needs to come from them. So how exactly can we inspire our children to build their own motivation and tenacity? Here's an approach supported by research and years of practical experience. The research of American Psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci points to three essential needs that underpin internal motivation: competence (a basic need to develop skills and capabilities), autonomy (independence) and connection (to others, shared values and the world around us). This research fits in very neatly with the skills that I teach in my parenting work and supports specific strategies that parents can use to address these three essential needs and help their children develop their own internal motivation without all the nagging from us. |
Competence:
We all like to feel successful and we're much more inclined to keep trying when we feel capable and confident. We can support and nurture this feeling of competence in our children through the specific way that we notice and praise their efforts and the process along the way. We're programmed to notice the stuff that doesn't work but when we focus instead on pointing out the things our children get right and acknowledge all the tiny steps in the right direction we nurture a positive can-do attitude and we build vital connection.
Building competencies focused on attitude and effort rather than outcome is supported by the research which shows that positive credible feedback facilitates intrinsic motivation. Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck’s research on growth mind-set vs fixed mind-set underscores this building of confidence around competences. Rather than achievement she suggests we focus on attitude and effort and we will help our kids develop a desire, or motivation, to learn:
“[We] can praise wisely, not praising
intelligence or talent. That has failed. Don't do that anymore. But praising
the process that kids engage in: their effort, their strategies, their focus,
their perseverance, their improvement. This process praise creates kids who are
hardy and resilient
.”
Try this experiment. Over the coming weeks look for and acknowledge the effort and the attitude and all the small steps that your kids are taking. The amazing thing is that the more we search for the small steps, the positives, the improvements, no matter how tiny, the more we'll see.
Here are a few keys phrases that we can employ to remind ourselves that it's about how much our kids put in and how it feels for them rather than the outcome:
Instead of saying “did you win?” ask “how do you feel that it (today, the match, the test, the play...) went?”
Instead of talking about how proud they have made you, tell them “you should be so proud of yourself”.
Rather than asking about their mark in an exam or on an essay and expressing your delight or otherwise at the result, focus on the effort they put in:
“You've put in so much effort even though it's really challenging and you find it hard”;
“I know you tried and it can be frustrating that you're not quite there yet,”
“How does that improvement make you feel? “
Descriptively praising every little step in the right direction, their strategies, their effort helps build a positive relationship while reinforcing their belief in themselves and feelings of competence and confidence.
Autonomy:
We all like to feel in control, that we have choices and are not continually told what to do. The research bears out that when well allow our kids some independence and involvement in decision making we slowly build their intrinsic motivation. Giving choices empowers children and the converse is that those being told what to do all the time are more likely to give up, they feel ‘why bother?”
Allowing some autonomy reduces resistance. Offering choices where we're happy with either outcome increases cooperation and motivation. This isn't permissiveness but respectful involvement in and an explanation of rules, values and goals.
“Would you like to eat before or after you tackle that maths paper? I'm really happy to accommodate what works best for you.”
When children
feel positively independent they're more likely to take responsibility and
ownership for their own work, actions and behaviour.
Connection:
It all comes back to connection.
Listening, acknowledging emotions and seeking to understood the world from their point of view improves the likelihood that our children will venture out and push themselves. When children feel well connected we, as emotion coaches, open the lines of communication. And remember it's our job to find ways to open communication, not theirs.
"I know that the last thing you feel like doing this morning is that english paper. It's tough. "
" I'm thinking that you're worried about how it's going to go. It probably feels that you don't even want to start. I get that. I'm here if you want to let off steam."
When they feel listened to, heard and understood without judgment or criticism, their self-esteem improves, they feel stronger and are better prepared to weather setbacks and bumps along the road. They feel able to fail and make mistakes - all part of learning. When they're well connected, not only to us but also to other important role models in their lives, they feel grounded and better able to take on board the values that we share.
When life presents new experiences and challenges they're more likely to feel able to talk about them and seek out support when needed.
An finally, beware of the weight of expectation. Children need to believe to their core that our connection, our love, is unconditional. Our expectations need to be reasonable and they need to feel that we are there for support without judgement. Our children will then have the freedom to try hard, accept the risk of failure and stretch themselves.
When we say “you should be really proud of yourself “ rather than “we are proud of you,” we are reinforcing the values that underpin internal motivation. They know we are proud but it's their effort, their attitude and their perseverance that they will come to realise produces the satisfaction and builds their own motivation to keep learning.