How to help your daughter with friendship flare-ups and build courage and confidence

My young teen daughter was upset as she was sure that her good friend didn't like her any more. Her friend had made a mean comment about her shirt in front of a group of their friends. She felt left out, humiliated and a bit angry. Friendship was the bedrock of her life which meant that this situation was not just stressful,  it was a crisis! This is completely understandable as Steve Biddulph points out in Raising Girls , ‘friendships are like the oxygen they breathe’.

I listened, agreeing that it is painful when you feel excluded and on the fringe of a group. I remember skipping lunch at school rather than having to face the humiliation of not being invited to sit with the girls I wanted to be my friends. We talked about friendship and revisited the conversation that we have often about what she values in a good friend. I asked her what she felt she could do about it. She said that this friendship was too important and that she would talk to friend. I had a moment of panic. How would she know what to say? How would she find the courage?

We know that girls are often not skilled at starting tough conversations and they are even less practiced at responding effectively to inevitable friendship conflict. Their instinct can be to avoid the confrontation, pretend it didn't t happen or they can become completely overwhelmed. The hesitation or avoidance to have tough talks means that they miss out on the opportunity to learn how to hold the honest conversations that are crucial to healthy relationships. They also don’t learn to stand up for themselves, to protect their personal boundaries. As Rachael Simmons explains in her book, The Curse of the Good Girl ,“what they learn in their relationships often becomes the template for their public and professional habits”.

Here are four things that we can do to help our girls to approach natural and normal friendship upheavals with courage and confidence:

 1.  Encourage her to acknowledge her own emotions. Our girls need to know that it is ok to feel angry, humiliated and sad. Anger and sadness and in fact ALL emotions are to be accepted. We all get angry but girls are often told from a young age that they must be ‘nice’ and ‘good’ and not show they are angry as anger is 'unattractive'. It can be hard for girls to acknowledge these tough feelings which they need to do before they can start to problem solve.  We can teach our girls how to manage anger effectively and respectfully by discussing these feelings in an open, empathetic, non-judgmental way and by modelling assertive communication skills. “Wow I can see that makes you angry when you're treated that way. It's so painful to be left out and I imagine you might have felt a bit humiliated.”

When we feel sad our primary need is to be understood. We can’t fix it for them but we can listen, stay close and support them. Kate Hurley, adolescent and child psychotherapist and author of No More Mean Girls works with girls who are often feeling the intense pain of friendship problems asked her patients what they would like from their parents and the answer is almost always the same: 'listen and ask questions '. When feelings are accepted, it's fortifying, validating and boosts self-esteem which gives girls the confidence to stand up for themselves.

 2.  Teach her to show strength: As author and school counsellor, Signe Whitson writes: “I am all about teaching girls that it is ok to feel sad, or hurt, or angry and it is a good thing to talk about their emotions with others. Yet when it comes to facing off with a frenemy, my best advice is to teach young girls how to show resolute strength”. Clearly this is not physical engagement but rather language which says that it is not ok for their feelings to be disrespected. Have a chat through with your daughter and have her practice saying ‘I don’t like that’, ‘no thanksI don’t do that.' Humour is an effective tool and clarity, “I know, can you believe I chose this yellow shirt. I think it would look much better on you!” shows that they will not be allowed to be treated poorly. This is hard stuff but it is empowering and such a vital skill. 

 3.  Talk about what a good friendship looks like: One of our greatest contributions will be to teach our girls what a healthy, supportive and valuable friendship looks like. Have the conversation often and don’t wait for a conflict to arise. Talk about why you value your own friends (‘she is there when I need her’, ‘she makes me laugh’, ‘she will always check that I feel included', 'she is generous and tells me how she feels’ ‘I can just be myself with her'). Ask your daughter what she thinks makes a good friend? Does she think she is a good friend? When our girls have a deep understanding of what a healthy friendship looks and feels like, they are better able to walk away from or avoid the ones that don’t feel good and cherish and fight for the ones that do.

 4.  Teach her conflict resolution: The ability to say something difficult but true is a critical skill that will serve your daughter well in every aspect of her life. Here is a wonderful pragmatic approach to having difficult conversations that we can teach to our daughters. This works one on one and should not be used with a bully or someone who threatens your daughter’s emotional safety; that is a time you should step in. Teaching and then practicing having tough conversations at home gives our daughters the confidence to bring this technique to their peer relationships. Here is Rachel Simmons’ The Four Steps to Healthy Conflict which she uses at her Girls’ Leadership Institute and which gives girls the courage to speak the truth:

 1.  Affirm the relationship: Say something positive about the relationship so that the friend knows that conflict does not mean the end of the friendship “You are a really good friend” or “our friendship is really important to me”. Avoid using the word ‘but’ as it tends to negate what you have just said, try ‘and’.

 2.  Use an ‘I’ Statement : This defines the exact problem and importantly how it made her feel. “I felt hurt when you ignored me in the lunchroom and did not say hi”, “I felt embarrassed when you made a comment about my shirt in front of everyone on Sunday morning in the kitchen.”

 3.  Say your contribution . In every disagreement, there are contributions from both sides. Either something that initiated it or made it bigger or last longer. This is the opportunity to say what made the problem bigger or worse. “I realise that Iforgot to wait for you after history yesterday like you asked.”

 4.  Ask how you can solve the problem together . This is the tricky part for many girls when they ask what they need from the other person. It is uncomfortable to ask for something. It allows for some giving, which is more natural for many girls, and some taking. “I can make sure I wait for you. Can you remember to ask me if I would like to come to lunch with you?” It is hard, but being specific, revisiting the contribution and promising to change.

We need to support our daughters as they navigate friendships and set themselves up with invaluable relationship skills for life. We can teach them that conflict in relationships is normal without dismissing their feelings   and model being a wonderful friend. We need to talk often about all the good things that friendship brings. We should listen with empathy and acknowledge their feelings, instilling in them the courage and confidence to listen to their own emotions rather than be overwhelmed by them.

Learning to have a tough conversation, learning to stand up for herself, learning when to ask for help. learning when to walk away and learning from the experience when it doesn’t go right are invaluable skills that develop confident, courageous, independent girls. We may often feel like jumping in to fix, protect or shelter but if we can support our girl’s learning however uncomfortable it may be, without judgment but with empathy and understanding they will grow stronger, more resilient and full of self-belief.