Co-parenting: You can't look after your kids if your tank is empty

Divorce is tough. Between looking after your children, managing the relationship with your co-parent and the practicalities of separation, it can feel as though there’s no time or emotional space left to care for yourself.  With divorce,  the overwhelm is real and looking after yourself isn’t selfish; it’s essential. It's only when you refill your own cup that you can be the reliable presence with the energy, empathy and compassion to help your family thrive.

5 ways to look after yourself:

1. Practice self-compassion. Divorce and separation are hard, very hard. The process and transition are physically and emotionally exhausting.   We often underestimate how much our divorce can impact our self-confidence and

self-esteem at a time when our kids need our strength and our presence.  It takes courage to be honest with yourself

about how you’re feeling, but it’s a vital first step to healing. Treat yourself with kindness, compassion and acceptance.

2.    Get help: Divorcing parents need help.   We need an empathetic, non-judgmental, and understanding listener to help us recognise, process, and manage our experience and to be our sounding board.   It could be a good friend, a therapist, a divorce coach, a support group, or our family who keep us on the right track and heading in the right direction.  Find a positive influence who will sit beside you and help you create the physical and emotional capacity to give your kids what they need.

3.    Allow yourself to grieve:  We all need to process the sadness and loss that comes with the end of

our marriage. Each of us has a unique experience of divorce, and we all grieve in different ways.  You may feel angry

and then a desperate sadness that is triggered by seemingly small and unrelated things.  You may feel despair and grief when you’re without your children during the transition to life in two homes.  It’s completely normal to feel dismay, anger, sadness, and perhaps guilt.  Recognising and accepting these big feelings and the need to grieve is the first step in moving forward.

4.    Let go of parenting perfection:  We all want to be good parents. Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to be perfect, and if there is one time to let go of perfection, this is it.  Just as we’re grieving, our kids will be experiencing their own grief.  Depending on their age, they're likely to communicate their feelings through their behaviour.    If we can dig deep and try not to take it personally, we’ll be in a much better place to put ourselves in their shoes and meet them with empathy and understanding.   When life feels chaotic, our children need consistency, predictability, reliability, respectful boundaries and love.  Good enough is perfect, and as Maya Angelou said:

‘Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better, do better.’

5.    Find healthy coping mechanisms: 

Fill your cup by finding ways to reduce stress and build your resilience.  There are the vital basics of good nutrition, sleep, exercise and time in fresh air.  If you're struggling to meet these needs, please seek help. Self-care helps us regulate our emotions, which in turn helps reduce conflict and improve our connection with our children.  You might take a 10-minute break to breathe and practice mindfulness or commit to a walk with a friend once a week.

Finding ways to keep co-parenting communication positive, respectful, and child-focused not only reduces stress but also helps your children feel secure.   Learning to pause, breathe and reflect before responding or using a co-parenting app such as My Family Wizard to keep communication organised, factual and focused on the children can be helpful.

Our children need us to be reliable, calm and emotionally present, and if we’re running on empty, that's tough. Taking care of ourselves is the first step to giving our children the care they need for our family to thrive.

If you'd like support and effective practical tools to help you support your family through your divorce, then please get in touch ,