Co-parenting: You can't look after your kids if your tank is empty

You may be thinking that looking after your children while navigating the emotions and practicalities of your separation and divorce, you don’t have a free moment to look after yourself. I get that.  Divorce can feel overwhelming and all-consuming and then there is the guilt. It's really important that we find ways to support ourselves so that we have the energy, the space, and the compassion that it takes to help all those who depend upon us.

Here are just a few of the things that can help:

1.    Be straight with yourself: Divorce and separation are hard, very hard.  It’s not just the practical part of splitting two lives but it’s the emotional adjustment. My divorce was difficult, and I underestimated how much it would impact my self-confidence and self-esteem. I was emotionally exhausted and drained. I just didn't have much left to give. When we don't have emotional bandwidth, it's impossible to tune into, listen and empathise with those who need us and our kids who are experiencing their own grief suffer.  It takes courage but it’s important to be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling.

2.    Get help: Divorcing parents need help. For us to be there for others and to help us process our own experience, we need an empathetic non-judgmental and understanding listener to help us recognise, process, and manage our big emotions in a healthy way. We may need a good friend, a therapist, a divorce coach, a support group, or our family to keep us on the right track and help us keep the end in mind. Find a positive influence who will sit beside you and help you get up and find the emotional capacity to give your kids what they need.

3.    Allow yourself to grieve:  You will need to process the loss that comes with the end of your marriage. We all grieve in different ways and the feelings often come in waves. I remember feeling angry and then a desperate sadness that was often triggered by seemingly small and unrelated things. I also felt despair and sadness when I was first without my children.  It’s completely normal to feel dismay, anger, sadness, and perhaps guilt.  Recognising these big feelings and the need to grieve is the first step in moving forward.

4.    Let go of your expectations:  We all want to be good parents. Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to be perfect and if there is one time to let go of perfection, this is it. Just as we are grieving our kids will be experiencing their own grief. This is likely to come out in their behaviour and if we can dig deep and try to manage our expectations and not take it personally, we’ll be in a much better place to help. As Maya Angelou said:

‘Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better, do better.’

5.    Find healthy coping mechanisms - We need to refill our cups and we all do this in ways that suit our unique temperament and lifestyle.  There are the vital basics of good nutrition, sleep, and time in the fresh air and if you are struggling with meeting these needs, it’s important to get help.

Finding healthy coping strategies, and modeling these for your kids, will help you feel grounded, soothed, and capable.

For me recognising what is in my circle of control and what is not is important. Exercise is also vital. I can struggle to get motivated, but I remind myself just how amazing those endorphins feel and how much they improve my mood. What works for you?  A walk with a friend, a bath, time out to journal or meditate, drawing, reading, laughing. The list is endless, but the point is that we sometimes need to be tough with ourselves, make the time, and just do it.  I

It's hard for us to be calm and emotionally present for our kids if we are running on empty. 

Taking care of ourselves is the first step.