Co-parenting: Guiding your children through grief

Separation and divorce is a process of huge transition and change and it's also a loss - the loss of the family unit as it was.  Whether or not there was adversity and conflict, whether it was a complete surprise or something everyone sensed was coming,  we all need to grieve the loss and adjust and adapt to the new family set up.

Just as we may go through the grief process as we mourn the end of our marriage, our kids likely will too.  During my divorce and the months afterward, I watched as each of my children grieved in different ways and at different times. This makes sense as grief is an emotional process and its intensity, duration and expression will be unique to each of us.   It was hard to see my children suffer and grieve but once I understood what to look for, I learned a lot about each of them and what they needed from me.

The development stage and temperament of each of your kids will impact how they process the divorce. There is a more in-depth look at this in my divorce and separation course. 

Understanding the five stages of grief as defined by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and what it might sound like will help you keep alert to what they may be thinking and feeling. Here is every abbreviated summary:

Denial: ‘This can’t be happening. I’m so sad, but I’m sure they won’t be apart for long. I won’t tell anyone or talk about it, and it might just go away.’ ' I am sure Mum will be home soon.'

Anger: ‘This is all your fault! How can you mess up my life like this?!' ' Maybe it's my fault and I did something to make it worse? I’m scared.’

Bargaining: ‘I’m going to be really really good and maybe they will decide to get back together or if I misbehave, they’ll give me all their attention and will forget about their split’

Sadness: ‘I keep crying for no reason. I feel so lonely, hopeless and sad. I’m not sure that anyone understands.’

Acceptance: ‘They’re not getting back together. I get that now. I’m really sad but I am getting used to it now – most of the time.’

Each of us grieves in our own way. This is shown as a linear process but we may dip in and out or skip a step. One of your children may be angry for some time, get into uncharacteristic trouble at school or tell you in words and through their behaviour exactly what they think. Another child may seem ok on the surface, but the sadness comes gushing out in tears at a seemingly unrelated event. 

Thinking about what it feels like to be them, knowing that our children’s behaviour is sending us a message about their feelings and their needs, we’re in a much better place to respond.

Here are a few things that you can do:

1.    Teach them about the stages of grief.

A divorce is a profound loss and it’s natural for us all to grieve.  Talking about and naming emotions helps normalise the feelings for our kids.  We want to send the message that ALL emotions are acceptable and ok even if they feel hard. Our children may never have experienced the loss of a loved one or a beloved pet and these feelings might be new to them.  It helps to explain feelings as waves, some recede and reappear, others roll out to sea.

You might say:

‘You may not understand why you feel so sad. I really get that and it’s part of your grieving. We are still a family and we both love you very much.’

If you’re worried that your child is stuck in one of these stages and it’s interfering with their ability to lead a normal life, please do seek professional help.     

2.    Welcome the tough emotions

Our kids need to know that we won’t shy away from their big emotions, that we are a safe harbour, and that we will always accept and respect their feelings calmly and without judgment. 

CS Lewis said, ‘No one told me that grief felt so much like fear.’ For many kids the process of divorce, of family change, and adjustment is fearful.  We want them to bring these big feelings to us. You might respond like this:

‘Wow, for you to speak to me like that shows me just how upset you are. It’s normal to feel angry and afraid. This is not something that you chose and it’s so tough. I get that and I am here to help and listen.’

3.    Teach and model coping strategies 

Through all these emotions our children need to find healthy ways to cope – we all need healthy coping strategies. Noticing, acknowledging, and expressing our feelings is a vital step to regulating our emotions and our kids learn this from us.

Talk to your kids, even at a young age about coping strategies when they feel anxious or overwhelmed by big emotions.  Remind them that when their body feels anxious it's their brain reacting to a perceived threat and trying to keep them safe, but our brains sometimes overreact. For more on helping kids with anxiety read my article.

One of my favourite coping strategies is teaching kids to breathe. Taking deep slow breaths activates the parasympathetic nervous system which sends the message to our brain that we are safe while sending more oxygen to the thinking brain so we can start to think more clearly. Try showing your kids box breathing – lie together on their bed and close your eyes and practice breathing in for 4, hold your breath for 4, breathe out for 4, and repeat this a few times. Remind them that they can do this anywhere or anytime.

There is much more detail on all these helpful strategies in my course . Please do get in touch to find out more.


Tuning into how each of our kids experience grief, helping them understand that all feelings are normal, being there as their safe haven, and teaching them that they can cope, are all important ways to support them on this challenging journey.