Co-Parenting:Successfully managing transitions and change

We' re all more comfortable with routine, predictability and habit than change. It’s how we’re wired. Routine and predictability feel safe and secure, and change takes energy, adjustment, and sometimes courage.

But life is full of transitions – transitioning from home to school, moving from playing to homework, getting off screens to come to the table, or transitioning to sleeping alone after a day full of connections.  Transitions often involve moving from something that we are enjoying to something we must do. Not easy!

Some of us are temperamentally more adaptable than others. Think about your child and how stressful they find change.  How our kids are wired is something that we look at in our course and it helps us to teach them to play to their strengths and manage their weaknesses. If they find transitions hard, we need to be sensitive and give them extra support.

Let’s think about all the transitions that kids of divorce experience. A huge one is moving between their parents’ homes and it can be complicated by the fact that this is often the only time that kids see their parents together.  Imagine for a moment that you have to move offices every couple of days with a whole new group of people.  Unsettling? Maybe. Annoying? Sometimes. Takes adjustment? Always.  Children are being asked to adapt to a different environment and some children will find the process much harder than others. Add to these feelings the emotions they might have anticipating how their parents will respond to each other. It's our job to reflect on how our behaviour might impact the transition for our child and what it  might feel like to be them.

How can we help:

1.   Avoid conflict - Do all you can in your power to reduce any conflict between you and your co-parent. We know its the experience of parental conflict - animosity between the two most important people in their lives - that can have a long term detrimental impact on our childrens health and wellbeing. Your kids are looking to you to do this part.

2.    Be aware – Ask yourself how your child experiences transitions and change. All kids thrive on routine, predictability, and consistency but some need it more than others and that's ok, it’s just part of who they are. 

3.    Plan Ahead – Set your child up to succeed. Have a chat through in a quiet calm moment and talk through the practicalities and the emotions around what they will need to do. How might they feel?  Support them to do most of the talking and it might sound like this:

“Tomorrow you’re off to Mummy’s home. It’s Wednesday and what do you always do on Wednesdays? That’s right you’ll go swimming after school. Do you need to remember to take anything? You already thought of that, you are on top of things! I hope you have a good time and I am looking forward to our Saturday morning hot chocolate when I see you.” or

‘When we get home what are you going to do first? Ah yes, a snack. What will you choose? And what’s next? Homework before screens sounds great. How will you know when it’s time to get off before dinner?  Do you think that might feel hard? How can I help? ‘

Preparing ahead helps set things up so that they are more likely to go well. When things go well our kids feel successful and are better able to weather the setbacks and challenges. Remember that we are coaching and training our kids to manage their own transitions. One of my children knows she needs to be organised or she can feel anxious and overwhelmed with all the transitions between her two homes and school and activities. It’s something we've been working on for years and she now understands what she needs to do to feel comfortable and thrive – one step at a time.

3.    Focus on the things your children get right and you’ll see more of the behaviour you're looking for. We call this Descriptive Praise, and you’ll learn more about it in our course. Focusing and pointing out all the things our kids get right is positive, and motivational and has the power to improve behaviour and deepen our connection. This is such an important tool when we've managing the emotional and physical upheaval of divorce. But we need to train ourselves as we're conditioned to focus on the negative:

‘Wow, you came the first time that I asked you this evening. ‘

‘I can see that you planned so that you were prepared. That is really sensible. ‘

‘You didn’t get upset when I forgot to tell you we were leaving soon.  That shows real flexibility and consideration. Thanks’

Getting curious about how your child experiences the many transitions in life is just one way we can work to meet their needs. Transitions are so often a hot spot in families and especially for those separating or with two homes. It is worth taking the time to help your kids manage these transitions which in turn builds their resilience and your connection.