Why understanding temperament is key to improving your child's behaviour

What is temperament and why is it important to our parenting journey? 

Each one of us experiences the world differently. Have you ever wondered WHY your child reacts or responds in a certain way?  Why do they find certain situations more challenging than others and HOW could you help them while teaching them to manage and regulate their emotions ?

An important step in helping them build the emotional resilience we all need to successfully handle the ups and downs that life throws at us is to get curious about how they experience and see the world.  We do this not to try and change who they are but rather to help us reframe how we see them, build compassion and help them work with who they are rather than be limited by it. Our curiosity builds the connection with our children that helps us coach and guide them to understand their own temperament, make the most of it and thrive.

Temperament is a set of innate traits that organises how we all approach to the world. These traits are instrumental in the development of our distinct personality along with cultural influences and life experience. Research supports the idea that temperament reflects individual differences and has genetic, biological and neurological underpinnings. We can see our children’s temperament very early on and although it stays relatively stable it can be modified and adapted through age, experience and our parenting - which is why parenting as well as family, school and community environments are so important. 

Temperament is a child's emotional and behavioural style of responding to the world. Researchers have found that we each have a unique temperament, which is influenced by nine traits: activity, regularity, initial reaction, adaptability, intensity, mood, distractibility, persistence-attention span, and sensory threshold.   I add sociability.

Temperament is never ‘good’ or ‘bad’. We all fall somewhere on a scale for different traits for example intensity, sensitivity or energy. It may well be hard to believe when our kids are young that some of the same traits that challenge our parenting go on to be highly valued in adults such as independence, persistence, intensity or curiosity. It's our job to identify, understand and accept each child’s unique qualities to help children optimise their strengths and minimize their weaknesses - all with the aim of building self-awareness and self-esteem.

If we ignore the way our children are wired, we might find ourselves swimming upstream. 

In my work, I use the framework provided by Dr Stella Chess and Dr Alexander Thomas whose research in the early 1950’s identified these nine categories.  It can be extremely helpful to uncover your child’s innate temperament to explain their reactions and behaviours. It's then how we help our children manage their temperament that will determine whether these traits are perceived by them as being a bad or good thing. 

Here are some examples of what children need to hear from us, to understand and learn to work with their temperamental traits:

A child with low adaptability might need to hear “I can see you taking your time and thinking this through. That is a good plan as you like to know what is happening and what to expect” rather than “oh come on you will be fine”. or ' You like to get the lay of the land before you jump in. That's really sensible. How can we help you feel comfortable?'

A sensitive child should hear “you’re getting upset because you’ve had busy day and you are sensitive so it makes you make you feel funny and you get tired easily. Let’s go home and have some calm and quiet time.” instead of ‘I am sure you are just tired. I think you are being a bit over sensitive.” or " I know these socks really bother you. Can you find some others in your drawer that you can put out for tomorrow?  Then you know you're all set. '

An intense child could hear “I can see that really made you cross. Things can be really frustrating for you when they don’t go right the first time. I get that. ' The aim is to frame our observations and feedback to them positively. As we help them appreciate, understand and manage their own temperaments we help them build self confidence and self-esteem. 

Understanding our children’s temperament and thinking about our own is vital in helping us to have realistic expectations about our children.  We want to continually reality check our expectations and set our children up for success as well as respond appropriately and calmly when they're in a state of internal distress.  When we appreciate why our persistent child finds it hard to let go, we can be more compassionate and focus, when we're all calm, on helping them learn strategies to manage rather than just getting frustrated and cross in the moment. 

An important temperamental trait and perhaps one that we think is easily recognisable is sociability – whether your child is an extrovert or an introvert and it is worth a word especially in the context of busy school and family life. The distinction is usually referred to as shy versus outgoing. But, it has to do with how these two types of temperament derive their energy - how they recharge. An introvert needs downtime to recharge. An extrovert is energized by people. Sometimes we mistake shyness and social anxiety for an introverted temperament with a need for quiet time and solitude.  On the face of it school, where our children spend most of their day, is for extroverts and for introverts school can be quite overwhelming. These children often don’t know how or where to slowdown and find some peace. Introverted children are often completely depleted of energy after a school day.  They can 'take out' their emotional overwhelm in the safe place that is home, and on us.  What they need from us is understanding, compassion, empathy and validation of the their big feelings and a space and time to recharge.

An intense, sensitive, reactive, persistent, glass half full, child will also need a lot of support to manage their temperament.   My eldest son is an intense, persistent, sensitive, introvert with dyslexia that was initially undiagnosed.  He is a wonderful adult but he found lots of experiences difficult and school was tough.  For him, the classroom and the social side of things were challenging and very rarely he let out his frustrations on his classmates and got into trouble but usually he let it all out within the safety of his home. He was what we call a strong-willed child and the struggles initially reduced his self-esteem and caused more poor behaviour.  I had my eyes opened early on when I was reminded ‘just think how hard school is for him every single day!'  What a revelation to try and understand HOW he experienced the world in detail as I had thought that he was just naughty. Putting aside how I thought he ' should' be along with all my preconceived ideas, judgements and expectations was the beginning of a new journey.

Understanding temperament helps us reframe how we see our children.  Instead of the stubborn one, the naughty one or the shy one, we can see them as persistent, intense or introverted.  It allows us to meet them where they are, offering personalized strategies that foster self-awareness, resilience, and healthy emotional habits WHILE improving their behaviour.  By working with their natural tendencies, we empower them to manage and regulate their emotions in a healthy and appropriate way which in turn builds our connection, their resilience and their self esteem.