Co-Parenting: the first question you should ask yourself

Parenting through divorce is always emotional and can be extremely challenging.  Our biggest worry is how we can protect, support and help our children during the inevitable family transformation and change.

Despite the best of intentions, when we're feeling emotionally and practically overwhelmed,  it's hard to focus in on and keep the needs of our children at the heart of the process.

What our children need and how our divorce impacts them depends upon many things including their age, stage of development, their temperament and our relationship, both with them and importantly with our co-parent.

We know that divorce impacts our children's health and wellbeing and it's been shown that two very important things make a difference to how children fare: the depth of connection that a child has with each parent, when it's safe to do so, and the level of parental conflict they experience.  It's not the divorce that is so damaging to children, it's the conflict that they witness and experience before during and after separation as well as the depth of their relationships that can have a lasting impact on their mental health and well being.

It's important to remember that divorce is a process, not an event and it's the end of a marriage but not a family.  We  do know that it’s normal for children to take up to two years to transition and adjust.  What can we do to meet our kids with the empathy, consistency, connection and security they need?

We can start by thinking about what it feels like to be them. What do your separation and divorce look and feel like through their eyes? What are their wants and needs during this difficult transition? Sometimes we get caught up in the ground swell that is the emotional and practical process. I know I spent weeks upset and stressed and buried in my office going through paperwork and trying to make sense of it all. If this is the case for you, I really recommend taking a deep breath, stepping back, and asking yourself these two questions:

1. How would I like our kids to talk about their experience of our separation and divorce in 5 or 10 or even 20 years’ time?

2. How would I like their relationship to be with me and their other parent?

We are more likely to get closer to our vision of the future if we work hard to put the needs of our children first throughout the process and in the months and years to come.

Their needs include understanding, respect, empathy, predictability, reliability and unconditional love in a family which helps them make sense of it all and honours where they came from and who they are.

They want parents who understand that they need to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. They want to feel part of a family who can celebrate milestones together, be in the same space with their children at the centre and be prepared to put their own egos aside as they put their children first.

I have learned many things through my experience, some the hard way, I know that with determination, care, understanding, curiosity, and a focus on connection, both parents can emerge from divorce with a deeper, more profound relationship with their children that sets them up for a happy and healthy future.

The process is hard however and we all need help.  I am here to support you as you transition to your new role as a co parent, with all the emotional and practical responsibilities and come with it.  As a divorced Mum with 3 children, a parenting educator and a co parenting specialist, we'll work through practical and evidence based skills and strategies to help you rebuild the confidence and help your family thrive.