5 Ways to Use Language to Motivate, Support and Connect with Your Child  

Language can so often de-motivate our children despite being used with the very best of intentions. As parents, that intention is to help and lovingly support our children to do their best. With this aim in mind we often use language that is meant to help them improve, to learn and avoid mistakes. The trouble is, to our children, our correcting them feels like they never quite get anything right. They always just fall short: “You forgot to button your coat.” “That sandcastle will stay up better if you mix some water into the sand”, “You spelt ‘commitment’ wrong.” “Staying up late is not going to help you with your exam tomorrow.”

Research shows that our children hear 432 negative comments to 32 positive comments every day. Wow! It may not be just a ‘no’ but if they are met at every turn with advice, however well meant, unintended criticism or questioning, their self-esteem is likely to take a knocking and their motivation to cooperate is reduced. They are less likely to share their problems, seek advice and open themselves up to supportive problem solving.

Here are five ways we can use our language to motivate our children into good behaviours, build their self-esteem and deepen our connection while remaining compassionately and confidently in charge:

1.Use affirmative and acknowledging language. Children are more resilient, behave better and have a strong feeling of self–worth when they hear that they are getting things right, that we approve and when they know exactly what behaviour is expected. ‘You tied both shoes laces on your own. Wow you are capable. What do you need to do with those buttons on your coat?” ‘You have patiently filled sand all the way up to the top of the bucket. I am wondering what difference it will make to your castle if we add a little water?”

2.Use the language of listening: Reflective listening is a skill that lets our children know that they are being heard and most importantly that we are seeking to understand. It opens the pathway of communication and when children know that their feelings are validated those difficult emotions begin to dissipate. “I am wondering whether you spoke to me like that as you are a bit nervous about your exam tomorrow. It can be daunting when you have worked so hard for so long and you think it is all about how you perform tomorrow. Let’s think about how I can help you get a good night’s rest “

3.Use authoritative language: We are our word. We can avoid nagging and repeating if we use strong but respectful statements. ‘It is time for your bath.” The dishwasher needs emptying’. No repeating or pleading or bribing but just respectfully stating the facts with the understanding that your capable child can and will do what you have asked.

4.Use ‘I rather than ‘you’ statement: This non-directive technique can help by keeping us confidently in charge rather than tipping over into controlling behaviour that can make our child defensive or resentful. A child feeling attacked is less likely to cooperate. Rather than: “you did not text me to tell me you were going to be late” becomes “I felt worried when you did not text me to tell me you would be late.”

5.Use language to teach not to punish or criticize: Punishment is often delivered in anger and it reduces a child’s self-esteem. The follow on is that the behaviour that you are trying to correct is likely to continue or deteriorate. Rather than telling off, reframe your words into a learning opportunity. Offer your child the chance to try it again: “I see you really would like that biscuit. Could please ask me in your kind respectful voice?”

It’s important to remember we have a choice in the language we use and to take the opportunity to pause and respond to our children rather than to react to their behaviour. When we take the time to think and formulate our language; to descriptively praise, to show that we are listening and understanding and to avoid coming across as criticising, the result for our children is a greater chance for learning and developing a stronger self-esteem, resulting in a more cooperative and motivated child.