Summer in the Slow Lane - 5 Top Tips for Cherishing the Journey

When I think about the long summer with our three teens about to unfold before me, I tend to go into organisational overdrive. I make plans, thinking of all the things that we can be ‘doing’ to keep them busy partly, to reduce the opportunities for lying around the house on their various devices. I am working on a new approach this summer. Firstly, I am reminding myself that they need some real down-time after the intense school year and that their agendas are different to my own and indeed from each other’s. Secondly, I am going to think about opportunities for us to ‘be’ together without always needing to ‘do’ too many things. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our relationships were deeper, we felt more connected and knew each other just a bit better by the end of the summer?

Here are 5 top tips for connecting with your child this summer :

1. Be a great listener. Listening well deepens your relationship. Hear what they say in an open, non-judgemental and respectful way. Reflect back to them what they have said to you showing you understand and where necessary empathise. Remember what they tell you, whether it is their friends’ names as they get older and as the circle widens or the little things they like. They remember everything. Conversation - a genuine dialogue - is our best chance of keeping them connected and as they get older and push away, helping them to stay safe and be happy. Take time this summer to listen and converse to deepen and enrich your relationship.

2. Take an interest in their interests , their point of view and their outlook on the world. Show them that you respect their ideas, you want to understand and learn more. You may not always like what interests them, be it Peppa Pig or “Love Island’, but seeking to understand and show interest builds mutual respect and makes your child feel treasured: “My Mum gets me” rather than “She just doesn’t understand.” Making time to celebrate our children for who they are, their interests, their attitude and their effort rather than what they do builds a self-esteem tied to their developing qualities making them feel valued for who they are not what they do.

3. Set a positive tone: Use Descriptive Praise to notice and positively affirm all the little things they get right. Seeking out and noticing the positive sets an upbeat and ‘can do’ atmosphere at home. Take the plunge and trust that looking for and acknowledging the things they get right such as coming up with a good idea for a family outing, helping with a project at home without being asked, tidying up their room, clearing the table, eating up, being kind/a good friend/sibling, improves behaviour. Co-operation comes from relationship and connection. Our children are wired to seek our approval, it may not seem to be the case all the time, but when we give positive attention we get more of what we look for.

4. Set limits respectfully . We are still the parent and our job is to keep them safe, train them in good habits and set boundaries. Being consistent and following through are key. Your children may not always like it, the I-pad limits, the bedtimes, having to check in but keeping respectful limits builds trust and a feeling of security. As Bonnie Harris US parenting expert explains, connecting and respecting helps address behaviour that we don’t like. Unacceptable behaviour is more prevalent when our child is reacting to and resisting being treated unfairly and disrespectfully. Poor behaviour is often due to something that needs tending and that deeper connection is the first port of call.

5. ‘Being’ is better with-out screens. Shared mealtimes, fewer hours on screens and muddling through being bored together will all help to support your relationship. Making and sharing meals together this summer is a super place to start. Research shows that when families eat together regularly, children are more likely to be emotionally strong, be well adjusted, have good manners, communication skills and feel connected to their families. Meals are a great time to listen to and value the contribution that each member of the family makes.

Listening, taking an interest, setting a positive tone and building self-esteem with respectful boundaries will all draw you closer to your child. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: ‘ Life is a journey, not a destination’. This summer cherish the journey in the slow lane rather than busily hurtling towards the destination.