Your Summer Survival Guide

I used to think of the long summer school holidays with a potent mixture of elation and utter panic.  

How was I going to keep my three kids busy? How was I going to manage the endless squabbles and competing interests? How was I going to get them off their screens or out of bed? How was I going to make sure they kept reading, caught up on things, learned new skills and were engaged? While all this was going on, how was I going to give them memories of a fun and wonderful summer together while staying cool and calm?  It's exhausting just thinking about. 

With my youngest finishing school this month, its a good time to reflect on what I've learned over the last 18 summers that my three kids have been in school. 

Sure, the summer can be a great and much needed time to catch up on things, hone or learn new skills and for older kids, get a job, but the summer holidays, away from the frantic schedules and pressure of school life, is about deeply reconnecting with our families, taking many moments to make memories and giving kids the all too precious time to explore, think, relax, recharge, and have fun.  

An impossible dream? Perhaps but with some thought and forward planning, you can set yourselves up for a fun, relaxed, productive summer and feel closer as a family by the time school rolls around.

Try these 5 top tips:

1. Set up for Success 

So much of success is in the planning.  Plan to start as you mean to go on by involving the kids, no matter what their age, in talking about your summer.  Managing everyone's expectations is a vital ingredient to success. It's usually when our expectations are out of kilter with reality that we loose our cool. 

Hold a family meeting to talk about ideas, plans, family traditions and everyone's 'wish list' as well as the seemingly more mundane.  Family meetings are a great way to give kids a voice,  let them know their input is welcomed and respected while learning about collaboration, listening and teamwork.   Give someone the job of recording the wish lists: perhaps a sports or art camp, camping out and bonfires, building a den, creating a garden,  picnics in new places or just hanging out with friends and share ideas on how you can incorporate as many of your wishes as you can. 

Put family responsibilities on the agenda - how are you going to share the jobs around the house? Are there jobs which are paid (mowing the lawn?) and others which are just part of family life (taking out the recycling, the dishwasher and tidying their rooms)?   Agreeing on who does what when and how includes what happens if the agreement is not respected.  Remember to listen and empathise with your children’s feelings around how hard, uncomfortable or just plain annoying doing jobs can be!  Be Be confident and remember that the research shows that giving kids the responsibility for household chores is an important contributor to their success in life.  

I have always found it easier to stay calm and embrace and enjoy the moments with my kids when I know that we've agreed on when they'll tidy their bedrooms , how to manage screen time and how they decide whose turn it is to do the washing up. Setting up for success helps us manage our expectations by helping us think and work through both the practicalities and the emotions. 

2. Keep the routine 

 Just because it's summer there's no need to throw caution to the wind along with all your routines. Kids thrive on routine and structure with clear, consistently boundaries. We can remind kids positively that the family rules and routines still apply. This doesn’t mean that we're completely rigid, we love a bit of spontaneity and some of our most precious memories are from the whacky spur of the moment things we have done but the table still needs to be set, kids still need to speak respectfully to their siblings and they need to get to bed at a reasonable hour (without their phones in their rooms!).  A great way to balance structure with spontaneity and fun is to commit to doing one thing a day that you all enjoy - having supper as a picnic, reading your bedtime story in the den, playing table tennis before dark, working on your wish lists. It doesn't need to be complicated, intense or long, it's about spending relaxed time together, connecting and making memories. 

It's especially important to keep to sleep routines.  By all means adjust the morning but it’s good to remember that we never fully make up the sleep lost from a late night and that means that our kids behaviours may well deteriorate.  We're ALL calmer, happier and more relaxed on a good night’s sleep. The change back at the end of the summer will be that much harder if our kids sleep schedules are all over the place. 

3. Focus on the positive 

Deeply reconnecting with our families, taking moments to make memories and remind each of our children what we love about their unique selves are all part of this precious time we have together.  One of the most effective tools we have to create a calm, positive and respectful atmosphere while nurturing each child's self confidence,  their sense of self while instilling a growth mindset is to notice and describe the positives that we see. 

We call this Descriptive Praise.  The words we use have the power to transform our relationships as well as our kids’ motivation  while boosting their self-esteem.  Descriptive Praise is about focusing on the effort, the improvement, the attitude rather than the end result.  It takes effort and a lot of practice on our part and what better time than over the summer to get to work!  We all have a negative bias - it was helpful as we were evolving - but it means we are programmed to notice what's wrong rather than what is right.  This means that it takes energy and focus to pay attention to the positives and get in the habit of reframing what we see. 

Descriptive praise is a powerful building block to positive parenting.  It works because it's credible; we're describe exactly what we see: 

"You remembered to put the blocks back where they live. We''ll know where to find them tomorrow" rather than using superlative language such as "what a clever boy!"  

Descriptive praise helps improve cooperation as we teach and coach our children in the behaviours that we're looking for: 

"Thanks for putting your phone away while we're talking." " I love that you two are calmly sorting out who'll choose the film tonight. That's cooperation and a huge improvement!" 

It builds and reinforces our children's confidence in themselves when they hear us noticing and appreciating their qualities and unique gifts: 

"I love that you are so gentle with the baby."  "You're really persevering with that puzzle." " You're really tired but you still told Emily that you would help her - that's really considerate. " 

Our kids feel trusting and connected to us when we take the time to focus on all the things they get right,  when we are the sincere cheerleader in their corner who smiles every time they enter the room.  

This summer over ride your instinct to point out all the things they get wrong: 

“How many times do I have to ask you to set the table?” and instead focus on what they get right ‘thanks for remembering that I said 6pm is supper time. What do you need to do now?”

Acknowledge and encourage good times, connection and good behaviour by getting into the habit of giving attention to all the little things they get right this summer. 

4. Give your kids a sense of autonomy . 

Summer is a great time to help your kids practice (age appropriate)  independence.  We all have an urge to micro manage and we do it from a good place; perhaps we're fixing a problem, helping our kids avoid mistakes or just saving precious time. Key to intrinsic motivation, doing something because you believe in your own goals, rather than to make someone else happy, are autonomy and agency.   

If we start with the premise that parents should not be doing something for their children that they can do themselves, there are endless opportunities to let them do, to let them learn (often from their mistakes) and to let them fly this summer. 

What are the things that your children can be doing for themselves? From the seemingly simple - choosing their own clothes to he the more complicated - planning a trip - supporting and teaching our kids to think, plan and do things for themselves is a gift. 

Unless we have a plan,  I don't make lunch in the summer and as long as there is something in the fridge, they do a great job of feeding themselves some more creatively than others.  Long gone are the days of emptying laundry baskets.   Kids learn to put their clothes in the wash and not having just the shirt they want to wear is a great reminder for the next time.  I agree on the timescale for a job getting done, so I can step back from nagging, but the details can be left to them. 

Trust them, offer help and advice (when they ask for it)  but let them do what they can do for themselves. The rewards are great - they learn  self -sufficiency, problem solving, goal setting and  have the satisfaction of having done things themsleves.  All great traits that instill motivation and spill over into other areas of their lives. 

5.  Moments make memories

Shared mealtimes, fewer hours on screens and muddling through being bored together all help us feel closer.  Feeling closer and connected is where I want to be when the autumn term rolls around.  We need to make a concerted effort to make ourselves available, to be there for our kids and often we need to be the instigator. And yes it is harder now that we all have a screen in one hand.  I remind myself daily that parenting is 80% modelling.  Our kids are observing and absorbing all that we do and say. I find it empowering but also overwhelming.  Am I checking my Instagram while someone is trying to talk to me? Am I scrolling when I should be doing something else? 

One of my favourite birthday presents (that I gave myself) was the table tennis table.  It sits outside the kitchen window in the summer and when we're in the kitchen its so easy to say ' Quick game?"  and 15 minutes later we're still playing together.  The best part is that it's hard (although not impossible!) to play while checking Snap Chat or watching the latest TikTok of Jack Grealish. 

Routinely making and sharing family meals together whether a picnic, BBQ or a pancake breakfast can be a priceless part of being together. Research shows that when families eat together regularly, children are more likely to be emotionally strong, be well adjusted, have good manners, broader vocabulary, communication skills and feel connected to their families. Summer meals, when we are a little less rushed, are a great time to foster empathy, the art of listening and just enjoying each other’s company.

None of my kids spent hours practicing sport, starting a business or reading 100's of books but I do think that we succeeded in reconnecting and having fun. The hours of playing table tennis and tennis, cooking, watching films,  in the car and just being together seem to have been enough.  They are young adults now and I am still revelling in their company.. long live the summer