Raising your persistent, determined and independent child

“The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will and the other comes from a strong won’t”  Henry Ward Beecher

I often ask parents what qualities they’d like to see in their kids as adults. 

What would you say?

Integrity, persistence, determination, independence, courage are usually included on the list. 

Research may helpfully tell us that these are exactly the qualities that predict future success but they’re also strong qualities that can be a real challenge to live with day to day in your 5, 7 or 13-year-old child! 

These kids are often misunderstood. We see their persistence as uncooperative. We see their integrity as argumentative. We see their determination as selfish. And if our kids take after us, if we have a similar temperament, we can find ourselves in an endless battle of wills. 

Life with a persistent, determined, independent minded child is a constant tug of war. It’s a daily soundtrack of “I’m not done yet!", "I can do it myself”,  “I’m not going!” and tiptoeing across a whole lot of eggshells - It’s exhausting. 

Can we avoid the constant power struggles? Can we teach these amazing kids to make the most of their strengths? Can we find ways to confidently and calmly keep our boundaries? The good news is - we can!!

All kids need to feel heard, understood and have clear boundaries but especially these persistent kids. It’s our job to tune into their needs while we teach them collaboration, empathy, teamwork and that we mean what we say. It isn’t easy but the rewards are great!  Managed with thought and care we will raise a strong, independent, creative, determined, capable and resilient adult.

Try these 5 strategies to bring out the best in your spirited child: 

1. Coach don’t control – No one likes to be controlled and it's fuel to the fire of the strong-willed child. Think of yourself as the coach modelling and teaching collaboration, empathy, respect and problem solving while confidently setting clear limits.  

"I can see that you’re really stuck into that game. Wow you are on level 6 already! It’s supper time in 20 minutes and you need to set the table. What’s your plan?”  

Your confident clarity lets your child know that if he chooses not to finish when you have respectfully given him plenty of warning (as previously agreed),  he has chosen to give up his game time tomorrow (as you previously agreed). You are respectfully giving him a clear instruction, asking what his plan is and letting him choose the outcome.  

2. Stop and listen to understand – We don’t have to agree but we need to take the time to tune into their perspective. Our kids need to know that we care, that they are unconditionally loved and that we are trying really hard to understand. This is a collaborative skill that we want our children to learn, and we want to model it well.  

“You know what you want. Let me understand what’s important to you about this.” 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if more people tried to understand each other’s perspective and point of view? What a great skill to teach our kids and especially those determined, persistent independent ones.l 

3. Put yourself in their shoes- Respect their temperament and their view of the world. Think about how they feel and will react to situations. How can you help them anticipate and prepare themselves? When I stopped 'hoping' that things would go well for my persistent children if I quickly and gently pushed or pulled them along, and started instead to think hard about how they would feel and respond to situations and took the time to prepare them,  our lives changed.  We had less drama, we had more respect and connection, we learned to anticipate and set things up so that they were more likely to go well, both emotionally and practically.  

4. Problem solves together. Brainstorm solutions (the older they are the more we want them to take the lead).  Work on how you can both get your needs met:

‘You want your phone because you like to listen to music and it’s your alarm. It’s important to me that you get enough sleep. Let’s work on a solution that works for both of us. “  

5. Find ways to say YES!  Choosing your battles - there will be times we need to confidently say NO but life with all our kids is easier if we can see how many ways we can say YES!!  "Yes, you can choose what you’d like to wear.” “Yes, you can finish the game when you have set the table.” ” Yes, you can take the car and go and see Daisy when you’ve put your laundry away.”  ‘Yes let’s !"  YES YES!!! I remember my youngest getting dressed for nursery. She had very strong views about most things including what she wanted to wear. Once I got over the fact that my little red headed daughter would choose the orange t-shirt with the kangaroo to go with the red skirt and long green football socks,  our mornings became much more pleasant. The teacher usually remarked “Elizabeth, I see you dressed yourself this morning!”  My daughter is a creative dresser to this day! Yes, Yes and YES !

Confidence, clarity, consistency and understanding in our approach helps raise determined, assertive, independent, empathetic adults.. one day at a time.