Top tips for creating a united front with your partner even when they are away

"I am working hard to put my new positive parenting skills to work with my three children. The house is calmer and so am I. But when my partner, who works away a lot, enters the equation, my children misbehave. He gets upset and we seem to be back where we started. What can I do? "

It can be a real challenge to be consistent and form a united front when one of you is putting the positive skills to work and the other has not had the benefit of the training. This is even more difficult when one of you is away for extended periods of time, whether it is a few days here or there or weekly commuting for example. Showing a united front is important for consistency which in turn gives children a feeling of safety and security.

Children are programmed to do whatever it takes to get our attention, any attention, positive or negative. When your partner enters the room, your children probably know that if they make plenty of noise they will get their daddy’s attention! We need to find a way of turning this into a positive attention/behavior cycle.

Here is an approach to try. We know that Descriptive Praise – i.e. noticing and acknowledging in detail all the things that our children get right, gives children the positive attention that they crave. The positive narrative and focus that we bestow on them not only teaches our values but also boosts self-esteem and behavior improves. We like to set the mood when interacting with our child always starting with Descriptive Praise and this approach can also help to defuse any tension and set a positive tone. Misbehavior whether minor or major is an expression of an unmet need, a cry for help. We also use Descriptive Praise to keep us calm and remember that, as Bonnie Harris author of What to do When your Kids Push your Buttons says, our kids are having a problem, not being a problem.

How about helping your partner get prepared for greeting his kids after an absence? You could, for example, talk, text or email him, about specific things each of your three children have got right while he has been away. Encourage him to start the conversation with these acknowledgments. It might sound like this.: "Wow it is good to see you three. Mum has been telling me all about the things you’ve got up to while I have been away. “Harry, you have been working hard on being considerate and managing your big feelings. She told me that when Lucy asked for a turn with the iPad yesterday, you explained to her that she would have to wait until you had finished your turn. You did not hit her but you used your words. That shows great self-control and a huge improvement.” OR “Lucy, Mum told me that you have been trying so hard with your reading. I cannot believe you have learned so many new words. That takes determination and concentration as I know you find that hard. I am looking forward to spending some time with you later this evening. What shall we do? "

Your children may not understand why they misbehave when Dad returns home, and we may not always know. We do know however that when there is misbehavior we need to be curious and “chase the why" as Dan Siegel author of Mindsight says. When there is poor behaviour it is important that we remember that this expression is all the children have at their disposal at that moment and not to blame, label and judge but rather to take the responsibility to work on the relationship and positively, consistently connect with them – after all we are the adults. We can always start with Descriptive Praise to set that positive tone, focus on the relationship and show our children which behaviour grabs our attention.