How to raise a giver

I love podcasts and I often listen when I’m in the car or walking the dogs. I enjoy a wide range of things, from The Rest is History, Rich Roll and seemingly like everyone else, Stephen Bartlett.  One I really enjoy is ‘In Good Company’ with Nicolai Tangen.  I came across Nicolai during my many years in finance.  He was always razor sharp, curious and insightful. He went on to become the CEO of the world’s largest investor, the Norwegian Sovereign Fund, and I became a parenting coach. We’re both doing things we love.

On his podcast he interviews leaders from the companies his fund owns as well as other thought leaders. This week he interviewed organisational psychologist Adam Grant. In addition to chatting about what work might look like in the future, Nicolai asked Adam what new chapters he would choose to add to his 2013 book Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success and his answer was ‘How to raise a giver.’  Clearly this piqued my interest!

A little background, Adam’s premise is that people in an organisation fit into one of three reciprocity styles. Givers ask, ‘what can I do for you?’. Takers ask ‘what can you do for me? And Matchers say, ‘I’ll do something for you if you do something for me.’  Grant argues that of the three styles, surprisingly, his research shows that givers are usually the most successful. Their success comes from a combination of things including being great at building supportive networks through sharing their knowledge, mentoring, and inspiring others and having a sense of inspired purpose. The caveat is that givers can also be underperforms when they suffer from burnout and a lack of boundaries – think of a doormat. 

As he explains, out of curiosity and as a parent, he wanted to know how we can teach our kids to be generous and raise givers. His findings are unsurprisingly reflective of our positive parenting approach and our continued focus on where we put our attention and the words that we use with our kids. 

1.  Our words have great power.   He cites a Harvard University study which shows that if you ask parents what they want for their kids, they say that above all else they want their kids to be caring and happy. If, however you ask the kids what they think their parents want, the kids say that their parents want them to be successful and high achievers. Why is that? 

2.  It’s where we put our empathise and attention that our kids feel is important. The reason for the disconnect is that parents have conversations with their children much more often about success than they do about generosity and kindness. How many times do we ask our kids when they come home from school “what did you get on the test?” or ‘how many goals did you score?’ These are achievement questions. When we focus on achievement or accomplishments, our kids get the clear message that this is our sole definition of success. What can we do instead?

3.  Who did you help this week? Asking this question when you’re together sends a clear signal to our kids that we care about their kindness and values not just their accomplishments. Grant also adds another question in to his family’s weekly dinner conversation which is ‘who has helped you this week?’. He points out that this focuses their attention on those around them who are givers, those kind kids who may not be in the traditionally popular set.

4.  The importance of boundaries. What turns givers in to people pleasers, pushovers or burn outs? It’s a lack of boundaries and self-awareness. Teaching our kids about setting boundaries helps protect them from becoming people pleasers but also helps them avoid overwhelm and being so busy helping others that they forget to look after themselves.

5.  Modelling being a self-compassionate Giver is, in my view, the most powerful way to help kids take on these values. In addition to the message of generosity and giving, a home where setting personal boundaries is modelled daily and respected, and as Grant says ‘help seeking is the norm’, where asking for help is embraced rather than a sign of weakness, is a powerful place to start.