Christmas 2020: How to help your family thrive

When I think back to childhood Christmas’ in New England, I don’t remember much about the presents but I do remember the little family traditions that made Christmas special. We were often on our own as our family was back in the UK but my parents made sure that they kept our traditions alive. I remember the puzzle that came out, cooking tiny mince pies with my Mum, singing Christmas carols, the after-dinner games and my Dad’s delight as he opened the new toothbrush that arrived each year in his stocking asking “how did he know?!” 

This year more than ever I feel so thankful for my family. I won’t be with them this Christmas but I feel such gratitude that they are part of our lives. I am also thankful that I have learned to make the most of the moment and think less about what else I might be doing. We don’t know what next year will bring but I feel this year has shown me that time flies so quickly, our kids are another year older and I don’t want to miss a moment. 

Christmas is about tradition and rituals. With all the uncertainty and with all we have been through, family rituals can provide security, meaning and reinforce our foundations. They give us a sense of belonging and reinforce the connection across the generations. This is especially important when we can’t be together.  

I am sharing a few ideas for making the most of this year, creating memories, deepening the connection with our kids and focusing on the things that matter rather than on the ‘could of, should of, would of’ (a little phrase that we try and avoid in our family!): 

- Family rituals build connection and help kids feel safe, secure and part of a greater whole – their family. There do not have to be many things and they don’t need to be hard or complicated. It could be as simple as lighting candles at dinner, decorating biscuits, telling Christmas stories, making a special breakfast, playing a favourite game or a walk under the stars. As there will be many things that you might not be able to do this year, it seems even more important that we cherish rituals, traditions and family routines. We may have to adapt or put a new twist on a tradition with family carols via Zoom, a virtual bake off, or a virtual Christmas quiz. My kids are no longer children. They have different personalities, like different things, experience the world in a different way but one thing that pulls them together and helps them feel part of a greater whole are our family rituals and traditions. Many things may seem almost insignificant but as they grow older and remind me how they treasure the little things, I realise just how important they are. 

- Acknowledge the feelings with understanding. Children may be missing special things this Christmas. Perhaps it’s seeing their grandparents, a special outing that takes place every year or a party with their friends who are all home from university. There will be disappointment and this may come out in our kids’ behaviour – sibling scraps, tantrums or slamming doors – as our kids show us that they don’t feel good. How we respond can determine how they manage and move through these big and sometimes uncomfortable emotions. Rather than dismiss how they feel, brushing them under the tree or attempting to make them feel better – we want to listen, get curious about the feelings behind the behaviour and accept their emotions head on with empathy. We don’t need to accept inappropriate behaviour, but we want to send the message that ALL feelings are ok and we are here to help. 

Handling disappointment is an important life skill that builds resilience and we want to teach it well. It helps to think of our calm and understanding words as a soundtrack that they will eventually take on in their own heads as they face another inevitable bump in the road: 

"This really sucks. I can see you are SO disappointed and sad. Sometimes things just don’t make sense. Its ok to feel deflated and cross. Be kind to yourself and know that you are being honest and brave. It’s hard for your brain to process things when it is overwhelmed with emotion. When you feel a bit calmer, let’s think about what you might try and do instead.”  

Emotion intelligence is the bedrock of resilience and it’s about recognising feelings, learning to acknowledge them and managing our way through. Over these last difficult months, our kids have shown amazing resilience in the face of continual change and disappointment. They have missed out on many things during this extraordinary year and the emotional burden has at times been very hard. We have the time this holiday to listen hard and hear how our kids are feeling. We know that this will pass. We have the benefit of many years of experience and wisdom to give us perspective. A year is a long time in their short lives. This is a pretty amazing Christmas gift to give your child.  

- Being together – You may be thinking that you have been blessed with having so much time with your children this year that you are not quite sure how many more blessings you can manage. Perhaps the thought of another three weeks of together time, when there is cooking, decorating and sorting Christmas to get done, is making you a little anxious. Or it may be that your tween or teen has barracked themselves in their bedroom and the anxiety you feel is about how you’ll manage to spend any time with them at all. Either way, being purposeful and brave about carving out time together is important. These are the times that build connection. It may not always seem this way but to kids our TIME, undivided and uninterrupted, spells LOVE. Maybe we need to push past the discomfort barrier to lie on the floor and play made up games with a younger child. We may have to get creative to find ways to lure our older children out of their rooms to bake, play a family game, listen to their playlist as you decorate, but the effort is worth it. 

I love the metaphor of the emotional bank account as developed by Stephen Covey in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. He defines the emotional bank account as one’s relationship with another and it is based on trust. When our kids misbehave, when we can’t seem to connect and communicate, we can ask ourselves whether their account is running low. Deposits build trust – such as spending time, pointing out the things they get right, being affectionate and kind or speaking respectfully to our children. When we make a withdrawal – using harsh words, not listening to them, being too busy, being critical or judgmental – we need to pause, repair and make an effort to refill their account. Making time this Christmas is a good place to start.

  - Ditch the guilt.  Parenting and guilt seem to go hand in hand. We are so tough on ourselves. There is always something that we feel we could or should be doing or doing better. Christmas is a time when parenting guilt ratchets up a notch as we scramble to pull off the perfect Christmas. It starts for me earlier in the year when I hear from friends that they have finished their Christmas shopping and seems to reach a fever pitch as my Instagram feed is full of perfect wreaths, decorations and Christmas goodies. 

It’s great to have high aspirations but when we are left feeling guilty about the things that we are not giving, doing and delivering, it isn’t a great place to be. What about a “good enough” Christmas? Does that mean lowering our standards in some areas – yes. Perhaps we won’t take the time to redecorate the tree after the kids have had a go. Perhaps we embrace a messy kitchen or (heaven forbid!) leave the dishes in the sink as we play another game with the kids. Perhaps we pick our battles with our teen (while keeping the important limits in place). Guilt can also get in the way of us looking after ourselves. I am a much nicer person when I have had some exercise, when I am rested and have had a bit of time to myself. We don’t need to feel guilty about taking a break, teaching and then delegating jobs to the family or perhaps cutting back on all those home-made goodies. Embrace and enjoy your family and cherish yourself.