5 Tried and Tested Techniques to Improve Cooperation

Getting our children to listen (at all -  forget about the first time) is possibly the most frustrating part of parenting.  It's hard enough to manage when they've been at school all day but completely overwhelming when you're together all day every day and trying to work,  home school and just keep things going. 

We nag, cajole, repeat and perhaps even end up shouting as our words go seemingly unheard and unheeded. The adrenaline builds as we remind ourselves that we are only trying to do our job - teach our children good habits, keep them safe and get stuff done. 

Is there a better way? Yes absolutely!

Where we focus our attention and the words that we use have the power to positively transform our kids’ motivation to cooperate, improve their behaviour and help us remain calm.  

As we try to get our kids to change their behaviour, we end up pointing out all the things they get wrong.  We fall into a habit and it’s not surprising then that our children also get into a habit of seeking our attention (which is what they’re after) through misbehaviours. What happens instead if we notice and mention all the things they GET RIGHT? Our kids start trying to get our attention with the behaviour we are looking for. They feel good about themselves, they feel worthy and valued, the good behaviour continues - they cooperate - and they feel better about us too!  

We tend to point out our kids’ mistakes to help them improve, to teach them or help them avoid upsets. 

We have the best of intentions:

‘you spelt that word wrong’ 

‘I've told you six times to get off that screen. You’ll be tired in the morning’ 

' hang up that coat!!'

but all our kids hear through our nagging or raised voices is criticism, judgment or blame. They feel they never get anything right and they stop trying to listen and cooperate. 

Research shows kids hear 432 negative comments to 32 positive comments every day. That is 13 times more! It may not always be harsh criticism but if they are met at every turn with advice (however well-meaning), attempts to fix, improve or change, their self-esteem is likely to take a knocking and their motivation to cooperate gets ever less. And perhaps worse, our relationship suffers and they are less likely to share their problems, seek advice and open themselves up to collaborative, supportive problem solving.  We need to build them up rather than wear them down. `

Here are five strategies that help motivate our children into good behaviours while building their self-esteem as we stay connected, calm and remain compassionately and confidently in charge: 

1. Notice and mention ALL the things they get right. Children are more resilient, they behave better and develop a strong feeling of self-worth when they hear they are getting things right, that we approve and when they know exactly what behaviour is expected. We call this ‘Descriptive Praise’. Children are wired to seek our attention and our approval although it may not always feel like it! When we give positive attention for positive behaviour we get more of what we’re after. 

‘You remembered to empty the dishwasher before making lunch.’ ‘You spelt 5 out of 6 words correctly in that sentence. That is great improvement. Can the find the one that needs your help?’’ 'You have put all your laundry in the basket. Where does that basket need to go now?’'You started putting that lego back even before I asked you. that is being really helpful."

2. Listen. There is a skill to focused real listening. Our kids need to feel heard and understood.  So often our children find it difficult to cooperate and do the right thing because they are flooded with big emotions. When our kids know that we’re interested in trying to understand the big feelings behind their behaviour, they feel validated. Their behaviour is a form of communication and validating feelings is an important part of helping our kids process and manage big emotions so they can get back to a calm place and start to problem solve. 

 'I am wondering whether you spoke to me like that because you’re feeling so frustrated with all these online classes. It just isn’t the same thing as being at school and I bet that you’ve just had enough.’ 'It can be so tough to have to sit still for what seems like ALL morning. You are missing your friends and would love to see them and run all around at break."

3. Use Intentional Language. We are our word. We can avoid nagging and repeating if we use confident but respectful and positive statements and stay away from requests:  No repeating, pleading or bribing but respectfully stating the facts with the understanding that your child can and will do what you have asked. Starting with descriptive praise and empathising with how hard it might be will help. 

‘It’s time for your bath’ ‘The dishwasher needs emptying’ ‘Teeth brushed and then the story that you chose' 

4. Give choices (that you can live with). A lack of cooperation is often the behaviour that we see when our kids feel they have no control. No one likes to feel powerless. Giving choices builds confidence and gives children an empowering feeling of responsibility. It helps our kids feel valued which builds self-esteem. 

‘When you’ve finished your worksheet you can both decide whether we have lunch here or as a picnic under the tent in the playroom’. ‘When we get upstairs and you're ready would you rather have your story before, in or after the bath!?’ ‘Tomorrow for breakfast would you like porridge with honey or toast with that yummy jam. you can chose' 'I don't mind when you tidy your room. We decided that it would be anytime before Friday pizza night didn't we?'

5. Use ‘I’ rather than ‘You’ statements. This non-directive technique can help keep us confidently in charge rather than tipping over into exerting control. When we feel controlled we get defensive or resentful and much less motivated to cooperate. Rather than ‘you didn’t text me to tell me you were going to be late’ try ‘I felt worried when you didn't text me to tell me you would be late.’ ‘I am worried that we won’t have time for a story tonight if you don’t get in the bath now. Which one were we going to read?” 

We have the choice of what we notice and how we respond to our kids. When we can shift our focus to pointing out all the things our children get right, when we show that we are listening and understanding their big feelings, when we respectfully engage them by giving them choices and remain confidently expectant of their success, we are building their self-esteem, motivation and desire to cooperate.  

If you would like a FULL toolbox of practical skills and strategies to help you parent calmly, effectively and confidently, get in touch and I would love to help.