Are screens a hot spot in your family?

Are screens a real hot spot in your family?

Does just the sight of your kids gaming,  scrolling (again!), or fighting over the Ipad make your heartbeat faster, and your adrenaline surge?  Do you feel as though you’re always nagging and then end up shouting or saying things you later regret just to get your children’s attention AND get them off their screens? 

Do you worry that screens have made family life more complicated, less enjoyable and that your kids are not only missing out on a childhood with more play and freedom but that screens are making them less happy too?  Has the discussion about the impact of a ‘wired ‘childhood with less play and its negative effect on our children’s mental health and well-being caught your attention?   Perhaps you'd love a way back to a simpler, calmer, more harmonious home? 

You're not alone.

Most parents find managing screens a huge challenge.  There are so many positive things that technology brings but we’re beginning to understand that its effect on the malleable developing brain is not all good. There is huge important work being done by Jonathan Haidt, Jean Twenge and others to bring our attention to the correlation they see between early smart phone adoption, social media usage, less free independent play and deteriorating teen mental health.  More and more schools are going phone free, and parents are urged to work together to find a healthy approach to their children’s digital lives.   We each feel we should each have a choice but being the only parent who delays giving their child a smart phone is a tough decision. It’s important that we work together.

Screen usage has always needed limits and boundaries. 

We know that the strength of social media algorithms, gaming design and the attention grabbing set up of so many apps is a hard enough for adults to resist and for our children with their still developing impulse and self-control its next to impossible.   With thoughtful preparation and a consistent confident approach, its vital that we help our children develop a responsible relationship with their digital devices and tech, regain the relationships that so often loose out to screens and find balance and harmony.

Try this three-step approach to managing screens:

1.  Think about your values:

It’s our values that help us define our approach and help us set our family rules around screens. Each family will differ but getting clear on your values such as the importance of family time, sleep and fresh air, respect and interest in others will guide you to set appropriate, respectful and authentic limits and boundaries.

Here’s an example of how our values might be are reflected in our approach to screens:

• We know that unplugged screen-free family time is important especially dinners, outings, chatting time, bedtime.
• We respect each other and take an interest in what we each love about screens whether its TikTok, gaming, sports or online bridge. We are not anti-internet we are pro age appropriate usage.
• We believe that screens make up just one part of a balanced healthy life.
• We recognise the importance of sleep.
• Screens are a privilege and with that comes responsibility.
• We know that screens are especially hard for tweens and teens to manage. They need our help and guidance. 
• We value everyone's input, but we know it's our responsibility to model and instil healthy habits and to set effective limits.

Why do we do this? Because getting clear on our values and goals gives us clarity, direction, and confidence.

2. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion:

Before we talk about setting rules and limits, and we know kids need respectful limits to feel secure and to help them get into good habits, let’s remember that we don’t want to parent from a list of rules. We need to take responsibility and keep working hard on all the daily interactions that build our relationship. It’s the compassion, understanding, respect, and emotional support and connection that our kids feel that helps them be open to our guidance and influence. 

Focusing on precious time together, taking a genuine interest in their passions including what they love about screens while being clear and upfront about our concerns, validating their feelings, trying to understand what it feels like to be them, pointing out all the things they get right and staying calm are just some of the things that build vital connection. 

3.  Setting limits around screens: 

• Involve your kids – A unilateral process doesn't work. Instead approach it as a broad discussion of screens. Have a chat when you’re all relaxed and not in the heat of the moment. Help them think through how they experience screens, what do they love, what draws them in and what keeps them there? What might feel uncomfortable and how does it feel when they’ve been on for a long time? Talk about what we're missing out on when we're buried in a screen. As author and paediatric psychologist Tina Payne Bryson suggests, think and talk to your kids about what they’re NOT doing when they’re on screens as well as what they’re consuming when they are.  She suggests that when kids are online, they’re missing out on time for reflection, being bored, face to face relationships and certain creative outlets. There are lots of great things about technology and connection on screens, but the research reinforces that it’s our repeated in person relational experiences that have the MOST important impact on well-being and healthy development.

• Listen - Really listen so your kids feel heard and understood. We don’t need to agree but we need to try and get it. We want to be an active listener which means we're curious, we don't interrupt, and we repeat back what we’ve heard to make sure we've understood. You might say: 'So let me make sure I get it. You're playing more Fortnite again rather than Fifa as the new season graphics are insane and all your friends are playing. I can see that can be tough to leave.'

• Explain your values, and your concerns, and respectfully remind them of your role to help them get into healthy habits - this is sometimes hard! It might sound like this: 'We’ve read lots of research and it's clear that we all need balance which includes sleep and doing things that support our physical and mental health. Your brain is particularly sensitive at your age. We’re worried that too much time on screens interferes with these things. We're going to help us all find a bit more balance." 

• Acknowledge and validate their EMOTIONS – Setting limits on screen use can be an emotional process. The pull our kids feel to be on screens, not only to have fun but to feel validated, included and involved is real and phenomenal. Focus on feelings first: 'You probably feel that you're the only one who doesn't have their phone in their room at night. You might feel you'll miss out on stuff. That can feel stressful.' ‘This switch to having no phones at school feels really hard. It makes the time at home when you might be online even more important. That’s tough.’

• Agree on the rules and the limits - these reflect your values. The most effective way to instil these values in our kids is through modelling. Ask yourself: how is my approach to screens? We also use respectful limits and boundaries, always beginning and ending with empathy. You might say: 'We know this is hard. We're going to start with one area which is the evening. We know that getting enough sleep is vital and the research supports putting phones away and out of the bedroom at least an hour before sleep. You're really good at putting your phone away during homework even though we know that can feel hard too.' Get their input. Rather than immediately putting new rules in place, give them some time and if they can't agree then empathise. 'We're going to start this next Monday, and we'll check back in together on Saturday morning to see how things are going.' 

• Agree on the rewards and consequences upfront:

• Rewards can help instil good habits that are challenging to adopt. Over time as your kids’ habits become their own values you won’t need to rely on rewards. The first and MOST important reward will always be descriptive praise which might sound like this: 'You should be really proud of yourself for getting off the first time I asked you. I know how hard it is for you, and I appreciate that we didn't get into an argument.' ‘Where does your phone need to be before you sit down for supper? It’s still a bit new and I appreciate that you remembered to put it on the windowsill.'

• Consequences: Agree what will happen if they aren’t able to keep to the limit in advance. No surprises. When agreeing a consequence, involve the kids and ask yourself if it's reasonable, relevant, and timely? So often our kids come up with more draconian consequences for themselves than we do. Try: ' What do you think the consequence should be for not handing your phone at the time we agreed?' 'Great. We’ve agreed that when you put your phone on charge on time in the kitchen at night, then you'll have it in the morning to check stuff for 15 minutes before you go to school. If you find it too hard, then you won't have your time until after school.' Agree it and write it down on a whiteboard so everyone can see it. 

• Embrace non-screen activities. Change can be hard, especially when it comes to screens. Support your kids as much as you can to find balance with unplugged activities, interests, relationships and fun.

• Acknowledge the tiniest steps in the right direction and empathise with how hard it is to make changes. Keep checking back in and discuss how things are going. This is not a one-off conversation. Be adaptive and flexible if appropriate and where it makes sense, adjusting to ages and stages, and always keeping your values in mind.

   Finally, here are some examples of family rules. Notice that they're positive - rather than ‘NO phones at the table’, try ‘all phones on charge or in the basket at supper’. Your own rules will reflect your values and your unique family:

• Phones on the charging table during meals.
• Gaming only in the kitchen.
• Phones and iPads  in another room during homework (differentiate between different types of screen time e.g. are they doing homework or something creative vs. scrolling through TikTok (which is a downtime activity)). 
• Screens off 1 hour before bedtime as the research is clear that they interfere with a good night's sleep. (The blue light interrupts our sleep rhythms AND the activity stimulates the brain - for all of us!)
• Headphones off in the car for short journeys.
• Family screen-free fun at weekends - chosen by kids. 
• Retain balance - sleep, physical exercise, fresh air, work, family and relationships, and some screens.

Managing screens and screen limits is hard. We are understanding more and more about how the technology interacts with the developing teen brain and our hard work is important.  You're not alone, this is tough stuff!

We don't know what's around the corner in our complicated and rapidly changing digital world. We don't know what new game, app or technology will appear and transform our lives, but we do know that as momentum builds to protect our children from negative impacts of a life lived online, sticking to our family values, being consistent, thoughtful and confident will give our kids the best preparation possible to forge a healthy, balanced and successful path.