How to raise an adult

It’s tough to remember, when we’re absorbed in the day-to-day of parenting, that we’re, in fact, raising adults.

Perhaps when you step back and ponder the adult you hope your child will become, you think about the traits, qualities and values you'd like them to have.  We each have our own hopes and dreams for our children, and most of us would say that above all else we hope they'll be content, healthy and kind. We might hope that our children are resilient, grateful and independent with strong self-belief and self-awareness, feeling valued, respected, treasured, and purposeful.

The big question for any parent, whether you're parenting together or apart, is how do we get from here to there? 

How do we turn our focus from getting them out the door in the morning, making sure the homework gets done, managing screen time and our interactions with our co parent, to that adult we're trying to raise? 

It's thinking about the long game that helps us define the values we choose to live, and it's precisely through the moments and tiny interactions with our kids that we raise that adult. 

Whether our children have one home or two, we have opportunities every day to build the strong connection that helps them stay open to our influence, modelling and teaching, and to thrive.  It's through the strength and security of the relationship that we develop with each of our children that we set them up to become that successful, content, fulfilled, purposeful and loving adult. 

Here are just some of the things we can do to make those tiny moments count:

• Look up and smile when they walk into the room.
• Get down on their level and play.
• Remember the names of their friends.
• Show that you control what you can control and let go of what you can't.
• Create little rituals and traditions that are unique to the two of you.
• Allow them to make decisions & let them experience the outcome of their choices.
• Know why they like playing the games they play.  Show an interest - If they love football, learn the rules.
• Ask if you can watch whatever they’re watching with them (while trying not to critique their choices!) 
• Get familiar with the music and artists they love.
• Show them what it looks like to see the world from another's perspective.
• Listen without interrupting.
• Be firm and kind.
• Give them responsibilities and opportunities to ‘contribute’ around the house.
• Leave them a note telling them how much you love them.
• When they choose the same story night after night, let them know, ‘I love this one too!’
• Eat together as often as you can.
• Teach them step by step to do things for themselves.
• Be the house where your kids and their friends want to hang out.
• Empathise with their experiences.
• Take the time to notice and mention all the tiniest things they get right.
• Have family meetings.
• Slow down – make time to be present.
• Tell them 10 things you love about who they are.
• Welcome and embrace ALL their big emotions while keeping boundaries and setting limits.
• Make their favourite food.
• Make your family a shame-free zone.
• Check your expectations continually.
• Take the time to explain your decisions and choices, especially when they don’t like them.
• Hug them often, or perhaps a pat on the shoulder for a teen.
• Model healthy conflict resolution.
• Apologise whenever you make a mistake and repair.
• Show them how you step outside your comfort zone.
• Tell them what qualities you love in them.
• Embrace failure.
• Use discipline to teach and commit to never using punishment or shame.
• Meet them where they are, or at least part of the way there.
• When they choose to share just as you’re about to go to sleep, listen and be thankful they’re talking.
• Ask the uncomfortable questions when you're both in a good place, and remember, wouldn’t you rather know.
• Smile.
• Let them overhear you descriptively praising them to your Mum or your partner.
• Put your phone away.
• Be eternally curious about their internal world.
• Ask their opinion.
• Give them choices (that you can live with).
• Remember, your child is having a problem, not being a problem.
• Love them uniquely and unconditionally.
• Model the values you'd like them to have.
• Laugh together.

We all know that parenting is hard, and it seems especially difficult today.  Despite the challenges, there is great hope when we remember that in order to thrive, our children need more than anything our reliable, non-judgmental parental presence and our unconditional love.  A vital part of this presence is tuning into the little moments we have together.  Thoughtful, tiny moments create successful, thriving, caring adults.