Why is parenting so hard?

I had always wanted a family. I thought I would be an amazing Mum.  I remembered my own Mum as warm, wonderful, funny, and caring and I was sure that I would instinctively and intuitively know how and what to do.

I imagined as well that, having been successful in whatever I put my mind to, I would have no problem happily balancing my high-octane career with small children.

Wow was I in for a shock. I had 3 children in 4 years.  You may be thinking  ‘therein lies the problem!”  but for me it wasn’t the quantity of children but rather my expectations of what motherhood would feel like that hit me for six.

Until I had children, my success had so often come from grit and sheer hard work. I was the one who would stay at the office until I felt I had done more than enough. In my summer jobs selling books door to door, I worked 80 hours a week, yes in my summer holiday, so that I was at the top of the leader board.  I did my MBA part time while working full time at a large bank, maintaining some semblance of a social life, and still getting to the gym. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t do if I put my back into it.  But parenting doesn’t work that way.

Not only did I find being a Mum physically exhausting, but it was an emotional roller coaster. I felt feelings that I had never experienced before. On down days it could be despair, resentment, humiliation, and guilt and on up days it was pure love, elation, triumph, and pride. 

But the up days were overwhelmed by the down days, and I felt I wasn’t getting anything right. I made the choice after my third baby to leave my full-time, full-on career. I had asked for a part time role but that wasn’t forthcoming, so I quit.  

The end of my 20-year full time career didn’t mean the end of the emotional roller coaster.   I had left my successful job where on most days I felt smart, accomplished, and intellectually engaged to be at home with three small sometimes challenging children and feeling often completely and utterly exhausted and overwhelmed.

Thankfully for my family, because let’s face it until I was thriving neither would they, I attended a parenting talk at my children’s school. That evening I realised that I wasn’t alone. The challenges being described were mine. The emotions and frustrations were mine too. That evening's revelation was that I could learn a new approach; try new strategies and take a long hard look at the thoughts I had about parenting. I had the potential to change my parenting story. 

It has taken hard work, training, and lots of mistakes to uncover the parent in me that feels comfortable, calm, genuine and true. Here are 4 things I’ve learned along the way: 

1.   We need to get curious about our expectations.  

What is it that so often drives our reactive response to our children’s behaviour? Unrealistic expectations.

Perhaps it was my own childhood or the story I’ve told myself about the parent I would be that leads me to expect that my child ‘should’ be, do or respond in a certain way. When our child falls short of our expectation, our response is usually driven by our deep-set feelings and fears.  In the gap between expectations and reality lies disappointment.

The first thing to do is breathe then ask yourself whether your expectation is realistic. For example, is it reasonable to expect my intense, persistent, sensitive son to move easily through his day, transitioning between endless activities without pushing back, holding his ground or his exhaustion coming out in his behaviour?  Probably not.

Because I have spent time tuning into how my unique children experience the world, thought about their stage of development and checked my expectations, I can calmly take the time to set things up so that my son is more likely to feel seen, soothed, and successful.

2.   We need to examine our feeling of guilt.

One of the words used most by my coaching clients, especially working parents, is guilt. 

In Brene Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, she describes guilt as ‘the discomfort we feel (so it’s an emotion) when we evaluate what we’ve done or failed to do against our values. It can drive positive change and behaviour.”

Rather than be seen as a negative emotion to be smothered, guilt can drive positive change.  Once we recognize and acknowledge the guilt, we can examine which of our values is unmet and decide how we’re going to make a change.

Changes are about making progress and should be small. My guilt is about not spending enough quality time with my kids. Parental presence is a value for me. Research reinforces that just 5 minutes of frequent one-on-one time with each child has the power to reinforce our connection and improve their behaviour.  Sounds like a good place to start.

3.   We should evaluate our perfectionist tendencies.

I am a recovering perfectionist and found the parenting juggle almost crippling at times.   I was caught up in rigid thinking and a barrage of ‘I should…’ self-talk:  'I should be able to manage my kids, behaviour.’  ‘I should be able to make homemade meals and 3 Book Day costumes' etc.

I now work on two things:

•   I check my internal soundtrack. I remind myself that my inner voice is there to protect me, but it can also overreact and make me jump to conclusions, set unrealistic standards, blow things out of proportion, and get in the way of being capable, brave and compassionate.

•   I have made my home a shame free zone. I try and model how I deal with my own mistakes by showing vulnerability, honesty, understanding and by focussing on the learning.

Kids don’t want perfection. Kids want us, our presence, our time, and our connection. 

4.   Try and practice Self-compassion.

Parenting is hard.  Yes, it’s physically exhausting but it’s emotionally and mentally challenging too.   Perhaps for the first time in our lives we're wholly responsible for the upbringing of another human being. That's huge. We usually take on this vital role with little training, qualifications or education, yet we feel guilty, frustrated or humiliated when we don’t instinctively know how to manage the tantrums, the misbehaviours, and the overwhelm.

We also wonder how this little human can elicit such huge emotional responses.  Once we recognise that this little part of us is bringing up our own childhood and things about ourself that we might be working on or have pushed to one side , we can start to learn and grow and offer ourselves some compassion.

And let’s not underestimate the impact of a child on your relationship with your co- parent with their own history, emotions, and expectations.  Your relationship may need to adapt and change as you work out how to care together for your child.

Self-compassion is about acknowledging the scope and scale of the challenge that is parenting.  Check your self-talk.  Are you being kind to yourself rather than judgemental?   Share your thoughts, feelings and challenges with trusted family and friends.  Take a moment every day to acknowledge the hard work, the progress and growth and the learning that goes into being a parent.  Self-compassion is about embracing good enough and that is all our children need.

Finding that parent we want to be is about progress and potential – one step at a time.

For more information or help, please get in touch