Why Special Time is just so Special

Why is it just so powerful, and necessary to build consistent special one on one time with your child into your busy life? 

Most parents I work with tell me that they feel overwhelmed with the stress and juggle of family life.  With so much going on, and kids who often don't cooperate, how could they fit any more commitments into their all too short day? It's hard enough to move everyone through homework, meals, washing, bedtime, mornings,  how is there anytime for any more?

What if I were to tell you that carving out regular special time with your children makes everything else smoother, more enjoyable and calm? 

In our busy lives, when so often we feel that we just trying to get through our day with everyone intact and where they need to be, we loose connection with each other. We often think, 'I'll have time on the weekend' and then on Sunday evening once again we've rushed from one activity to the next and we feel no more connected or rested. 

Special time: 

• helps our kids feel more connected, heard, seen so they are more content and cooperative
• helps us tune into our children's inner world so that we can understand and be more compassionate about the feelings, struggles and anxieties that come out in their behaviour
• sends children the powerful message that 'there is no where else I would rather be than here with you right now' which builds their positive self-image, their self- esteem and our connection
• creates a comfortable trusting relationship over time so our kids feel they can share their thoughts and feelings
• lets us love playing together, enjoying each other and has the power to change the dynamics of our relationship. 

Even ten minutes of child led time together is a powerful tool to build emotional connection. Every child is different and they need different things from us and at different times. Having this Special Time lets us tune in to them and give them the undivided attention in a way that celebrates their uniqueness. It works whether they are two or 22!

Carving out this time is proactive parenting at its best as having just five or 10 minutes each day for each child is preventative AND reparative parenting. With this connected time, we are laying the foundation for a deep relationship and often we will pick up on the little things so that our child doesn’t have to let us know that something is amiss through big emotions or behaviours. They feel secure, safe, respected and unconditionally loved and are less likely to seek attention in less desirable ways.

We love the work of relationship expert John Gottman who points out that relationships work at their best when our emotional bank accounts are in good shape. We are making deposits in our children’s accounts with one on one time together. When we need to uphold a boundary, or set a limit we can do this and keep our relationship in tact as there are ample emotional deposits to draw upon.

I remember using Special Time to address my son’s explosive behaviour when he was young. Flying model airplanes around the house would not have been my activity of choice but it was his.  Enjoying Mummy happily playing HIS game, putting all else aside and giving him ALL my attention (for that five or 10 minutes) powerfully improved our relationship and ultimately helped his behaviour.

Here are five tips to make Special Time part of your family routine:

1. Start with small steps : Just five minutes can make a difference. Start perhaps with a commitment to saying good night to each of your children (no matter what the age as long as they go to bed before you do!). Ask them if they would like to read, just chat or play a short game? Knowing they will have this time, they are likely to save things they want to share about their day. These little times all add up to a strong relationship.

2. Be consistent : Make it a family ritual. Call it ‘special time’ if you like and make it sacred. Make the necessary preparations to make it happen. Your children will feel valued when they know that nothing comes in the way of your time together.

3. Drop the reins : Make the time fun and interactive and child, rather than parent, led. Kicking a football, colouring together, baking, playing with the dog or painting nails. Relaxing, screen free time to share. Children feel empowered when you show a real interest in what they love and are willing to drop the reins.

4. Give your FULL attention : Don’t interrupt this time by looking at a phone, checking your email or browsing the Sky TV Guide. Listen fully and be led. This is also great modelling for your children. Listening to the little things makes it more likely that they will tell you the big things when they need to. Being fully present and engaged is especially helpful for the child who is more introverted and who may stand in the shadow of a more extroverted or spirited sibling.

5. Never take it away. However, disappointed you are with their behaviour that day, never use this one on one time as a consequence or take this time away. This special individual time is a critical building block to address all misbehavior.

When your kids know that you are prioritising spending individual time with them, it can change your relationship while boosting their self-esteem and building trust. Giving children our undivided and uninterrupted attention validates them as important individuals which builds their feeling of self-worth. One on one time lets them feel connected to a family but also to each of their parents independently. You develop intimacies, shared memories and insight that will support you through the ups and downs as they change and develop. Your gift of time makes your child feel valued, needed, secure and unconditionally loved.