Strategies for a calm, connected Christmas

In the season of advent which is all about preparation and anticipation, we can invest a little time, before things get too crazy, to get ourselves set up for a calm, connected Christmas with our families.

There is so much expectation around the holidays that I sometimes feel overwhelmed before it has even begun. Feeling slightly on edge, a little less grounded means that it is that much more likely that our buttons will get pushed.

When our buttons are pushed whether it is sibling fighting, inappropriate language or a lack of cooperation and appreciation, we tend to react with a less than helpful response. We might shout, blame, judge, nag or punish. I can hear myself saying - ‘Right that is enough, no stockings this year!’. We're likely to regret this knee jerk reaction and then perhaps overcompensate by being terribly nice which then leads to uneasy feelings all round.

There is a way that we can influence how our children's behaviour affects us and how we respond to it. Firstly, we can become more aware of how we react when our buttons are pushed; secondly we can learn to look at things from our child’s point of view. The first offers us the opportunity to do the second and our reward will be a calmer, happier holiday while replenishing and building connections with our children.

Here are a few strategies that help us to respond calmly to button pushing behaviour rather than reacting to it:

· The Pause Button : Steven Covey in his book ‘ 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families’ talks about ‘pressing the pause button’ between our child’s button pushing behaviour and our response. Pushing that pause button gives us the chance to choose between our preconditioned knee-jerk reaction (and the lid coming off) and responding in a more productive way. Rather than ‘No stockings...’ it would be ‘Wow you must be really angry to shout at me like that….’.

· Think positively : When we feel the adrenaline rising, breathe deeply and try to think positively while counting to 10. ‘I am the parent, my child (or teen) is being a child (or teen) what does he need from me right now?’ The likely answer will be ‘understanding’. When we think positively, we leave no room for the negative assumptions that can absorb us and hijack our reactions. We want to be positively in charge as we get to the bottom of the feeling precipitating the behaviour.

· Seek first to understand : Once you have pushed that pause button, try to look at the situation from your child’s point of view. This can be hard because we are busy with our own agenda –perhaps trying to be efficient and effective. A child who feels deeply understood and listened to feels more connected and valued and will behave better both in the moment and in the longer term. Once we understand and connect with our children the problem solving can take over.

Think of an iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a small part of the story. Most of the iceberg is hiding below the surface. With our children, we may only see the behaviour triggered by emotion. Perhaps a feeling of anger is due to the embarrassment of meeting new people, anxiety over exam revision or jealousy about a siblings. It is our job to be inquisitive, to look through and underneath the behaviour (perhaps she hit or swore) to those feelings and needs below the surface. “ I can see you are really upset about Harry getting that special present from Uncle Freddie. I used to feel really jealous when Aunty Jane got presents and I didn’t."

An empathetic approach can not only help defuse the situation in the short term but most importantly through compassion and our reflective listening, children begin to recognise and understand their emotions. We are not agreeing with or permitting all behaviour but we are saying we understand and are teaching our children that all their emotions are valid and a normal part of life however difficult they may feel while some behaviour needs to be redirected. We are giving them a gift of a deep connection and emotionally literacy.

And finally…. look after YOU : It is hard to look after others when we are feeling below par. When we are tired, have not had any exercise, not eaten well or feel that we put the needs of our family constantly before our own, we can feel irritable and sometimes even resentful. This can be so easily the case at Christmastime when stress and exhaustion can overshadow joy and good will. And when that happens and our children push our buttons we won’t be in a place to access that all important rational, compassionate response. Take some time to nourish your body and your soul now to ensure it’s a holiday for you as well as everyone else while making the most of the opportunity to develop positive bonds within your family.