Kids and screens - 5 top tips to get you sorted

My summer started several weeks ago as my three kids are all at university.  I am so grateful for all the moments we have together between their summer jobs, travels, catching up with friends and family and the inevitable time they spend on their screens.

Ah... kids and their screens , the biggest hot spot with the parents that I coach.

As I try hard to walk my talk, it seems a good moment to reflect on whether I think I’ve succeeded in helping them to have a healthy relationship with their screens and if I did, how did that happen?

It may be a little early to tell but if I look at where they are now, what they’re doing and not doing and how they incorporate their screens into their lives.... then yes, I feel pretty good.

I can’t forget that it’s been a long and bumpy road. I look back rather sheepishly on all the arguments and power struggles that were driven largely by my fear that they’d all become addicted and end up passing their days either gaming or lying on the sofa scrolling through social media.

My light bulb moment came many years ago when my son wanted to use his own money to build his own gaming computer. The ‘discussion’ we had opened my eyes to seeing the world of screens from his point of view and helped me get clear on my values.  We’ve written about what we both learned in an article for US parenting expert Bonnie Harris.

I am not perfect, just ask my kids and perfection doesn’t exist anyway, but I've learned to take a more curious, calmer, more proactive, respectful, and connected approach to their screens and here we are now appreciating the good things about technology, educating ourselves about its impact and remembering to live a life of balance.

So far, my kids’ summer with screens looks like this:

After four years studying for an engineering degree and summers working, my son and his friends planned to join the Mongol Rally taking six weeks to drive to Mongolia via Russia.  With the official rally cancelled, undeterred they set off two weeks ago to navigate their own route through Europe, Morocco to Greece and Turkey and northwards back home.   

Their screens have been a fun and important part of their journey. They use great navigational apps and even found their Airbnb in the Atlas Mountains by locating its swimming pool on Google Earth.  They’ve asked us all for podcast recommendations and they’re researching all their stopping points - the culture as well as the bars. They’ve hooked up with friends, found local mechanics and every evening they post a witty diary and photos of their exploits on Instagram. I love it.  It’s fun to see what they’ve been up to and yes, it’s reassuring to know they can get in touch.

My daughters and I just saw the film, Elvis.  It was great and we’ve been singing in the kitchen to all the old Elvis hits on Spotify. They chat and do Wordle with my family in the US and we all share photos (mostly of the dogs) with each other on What’s App. One daughter organises her sports commitments via shared drives and both daughters sort their summer jobs via apps that enable them to make the most of any free time they have available and of course they can stay in contact with all their friends and stream old episodes of The Office.

Yes, there are hours of scrolling on the sofa and playing video games on the top floor but there are card games, exercise, tidying (sometimes), friends, family dinners, reading, laughs, sleeping in, travels and much more.

Do screens make parenting more difficult? Yes. Is it a huge challenge for our kids, who are still developing self-regulation and self-control, to learn how to have an healthy on-going relationship with their devices? Yes.  Do they need hard consistent boundaries, modelling, and empathy while they develop healthy habits? Yes absolutely. 

It’s so easy to focus on the negatives but I want to embrace the positives too. I know that screens and tech ( and big tech for that matter) are not going anywhere and they need respect.   I also need to keep the end goal in mind – raising children to have a healthy honest respectful relationship with their screens. 

Here are my five top tips to help you manage:

Screens and summer holidays can be a heady combination. Our kids have free time, and we have important stuff to do.  The inevitable scene of kids on screens all over the house,  all over the garden or all over the car, can push every possible button. When we get triggered, we find it hard to remain cool, calm, and compassionate and then comes the guilt. 

1.    Set the ground rules.

We need some rules. Kids need boundaries, not only to feel safe but importantly to learn good habits and absorb our values such as self-discipline, balance, and consideration.  

Have a family meeting when you’ve all calm and relaxed and work out the what, when, where and who of screens but get clear on your own values first.  For example, I want everyone as often as possible round the table for family meals and I don't want the screens sitting with us.   Rules work best when they are set in advance, and collaboratively.

Be specific, keep them positive and work out rules that reflect your own family values.  Explain to your kids why they are important. I know that I find it hard not to have a last scroll on my phone in bed. Charging my phone outside my bedroom helps me get a good night’s sleep.

Write down your family rules and keep them visible. They could include:

All phones on the kitchen counter during mealtimes.

Headphones in the car are saved for long journeys of x .

All screens on charge outside the bedroom at night.

Half hour gaming after summer camp and after jobs are done.

We agree that screens are a privilege and if we can’t keep to the rules, we will lose our privilege for x time.

As you discuss and set your family rules remember to keep the end in mind – kids who have a healthy balance of tech and screens with the rest of the important things in their life.  Developing a plan that works for your family is just part of being a confident, consistent, respectful and authoritative parent.  It’s about thinking about each child’s temperament, their stage of development and their age.  Clear rules give us confidence, give kids important boundaries, and perhaps most importantly help us remain calm.

2.    Show empathy and understanding and consistency:

We may not like their behaviour around screens, but we need to show them respect, understanding and empathy as we set limits and keep boundaries.  As Stephen Covey says in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  We are all more open to influence when we feel respected and connected. It might sound like this:

‘You're really concentrating and I can see you're trying hard to finish another level on that game.  It's 3 pm and we agreed I would give you a five minute warning.  You and Alfie had a fun run yesterday around the pond and he loved the ball you threw.'

We don’t have to agree with their behaviour. Sometimes it is not ok, and we need to set a limit, but we can always be curious and understanding about the underlying feeling. Our kids need to know that ALL feelings are accepted. Hard as it is in the moment, if we think about how it feels to be them, name the emotion, and stay calm with empathy, we are more likely to help them get back to a calm place and solve the problem.  We’re helping them develop the self-discipline and self-regulation they need to have a positive relationship with their screens.

3.    Model good screen habits. 

Our kids notice and absorb all that we do. Parenting is 80 % modelling and that’s either terrifying or empowering.  Ask yourself whether you’re modelling a healthy relationship with your screens.   Talk about how hard you find it to unplug or avoid scrolling through Instagram.  Model and share ways that you have found to develop self-discipline and balance.   For example:

Put your screen out of reach at meals and bedtime and follow your family rules.

Put your phone on silent when you're spending time with your kids – be present.

When you're ‘out of the office’ schedule time to catch up on emails rather than continually checking throughout the day.

Embrace the positives of technology – do Wordle with your kids, share photos and make albums together, listen to their playlists in the car, learn and design new things, play games together.

4.    Talk about tech and screens.

Use times when you are together, over family meals, on walks, playing games to have calm consistent chats about all things screens and tech. We often underestimate just how powerful it is for our kids to know we are curious and interested.   It could be:

Why do you love Fortnite? Where is your favourite place to get your news? Does checking Snap maps ever make you feel left out? Why is Be Reel so great? How much screen time do you think is healthy? Why do you think we all feel so wired when we’ve been playing games? Tik Tok has a crazy number of users!  What do you think the metaverse will do to face to face contact and  should we care?

Having open, consistent, engaged, respectful age-appropriate conversations about screens and technology is vital to achieving connection and balance.

5.    Manage your expectations.

We need to mind the gap between our expectations and our kids’ reality.  In that gap lies disappointment. Yes, we should have high expectations for our kids, but realism and empathy are key. 

Should we expect our kids to have the self-discipline to manage their screen time, to develop healthy digital habits and to build the strength and self-awareness to withstand the pull of screens on their own?  I don’t think so.

I know how very hard it is for me, with ALL my life experience and my adult brain, to resists the pull of my screen. Imagine then how hard it is for a child. I like to get in the habit of asking:  ‘what can I expect of THIS child at her age and stage of development and with her temperament.”  Our kids’ experience with their screens will be heavily influenced by their temperament.

Can I expect my determined, persistent, intense 8-year-old who likes to feel in control to down tools and get off his screen the very first time I ask him without any warning? Probably not. I am going to need to help him learn this skill proactively, consistently, and calmly just as I did when he was learning to ride his bike and swim.

My flexible, adaptable and less intense child may find this transition less of a challenge.

The approach that I have worked hard to teach my kids is that managing our screens is about being self-control, self-discipline, honesty ( about the power of the technology) and balance.  Screens have their place in a healthy life that includes exercise (we all need to move), fresh air, face to face contact with family and friends, good food, good sleep, and screen-free times just being bored and much much more.

Have a wonderful summer, if you have any questions or if I can help in any way. Please get in touch